That's right folks, I scooped Mitch McConnell; I scooped Jefferson Beauregard No Shirt No Shoes No Service Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious Antidisestablishmentarianism Sessions; I even scooped Rush ‘Palpatine’ Limbaugh. You heard it hear first: those guys were racists. Not even the ‘good’ kind of racist either. They were the most evil, vile, dreaded, make Pat Buchannan have an MI, putrid brand: the ‘reverse racist.’ These guys were bad. I don’t mean one of the number one singles from the greatest selling album of all time "Bad," I mean like serving divorce papers to your wife who’s lying in a hospital bed ‘bad.’ Let’s take them one at a time, so you nice folks can appreciate the glaring errors of historical record that currently stand in all the books.
Abraham ‘The Great Emancipator’ Lincoln
As first Republican President, and a confirmed white guy, you wouldn’t think on the surface that our 16th President could succumb to the dark side of ‘reverse racism,’ but boy did he. He was perhaps the worst racist (I will now drop the ‘reverse’ part, because once it has been explicitly added enough times it is no longer needed and thereafter frees up seven additional characters for Newt’s tweets) in the history of these United States of America. Why, ask thou? He freed the slaves of course, and in doing so he clearly, and unequivocally, with malice of forethought, put the rights of those African-American slaves ahead of the privileges and advantages enjoyed by whites. He knew that these slave owning white people would be forced to start paying for agricultural and domestic labor, yet still signed an order forcing these poor victims to give up their rights to person ownership. If we take away people's property, isn’t that the worst kind of discrimination? Who thought of their feelings? Their suffering? Not Abraham Lincoln, that’s who not. Jerk. In hindsight, it was a very troubling move to elect him to the highest office in the land. Just a moronic thing to do.
Martin Luther King Jr.
Need I even comment on MLK Jr.? Us normal (read white) people were doing just fine before this racist guy came along. Who is he to say one of ‘his’ people should have the same rights as me? I mean, how racist is that when someone deliberately describes people by their race and then suggests that only that group should get better treatment? If only they get better treatment that would mean white people’s treatment is getting worse by contrast. So he wants white people to have to sacrifice their seat at the front of the bus, and go to the back? How racist! That’s the natural order, and this MLK Jr. guy wanted us to toss out a perfectly good system?
Lyndon Baines Johnson
This guy is even worse than MLK Jr. He thought a lot of the same stuff, but he was white! I mean, come on! Civil Rights? For who? Only brown people get rights? I call racism! Srsly people, if we go giving rights away willy nilly, eventually non-white people might be thought of as "regular Americans" and then there goes everything! No more ‘C’ student Presidents.
And while I’m on the topic, I have to say that (reverse discrimination) Affirmative Action is wrong, cause if we judge just on merit, all the people whose daddy knows a judge get to be first in line, and then we don’t really need the merit anyway, ‘cause we know they’re good for it.’ If we can’t maintain natural advantages for white people then they are by nature losing something they once had. If they’re losing something they once had, and that thing is being taken away due to someone else getting access to the same opportunities, then giving those people those opportunities must equal discrimination against white people, or in other words, REVERSE RACISM. Billy stole my lunch every day at school for nine months. I was going to prevent him from stealing it, but since it was going to be his lunch after he stole it, it would be REVERSE BULLYING for me to not let him steal it. After all, he was bigger and stronger, so he needs my lunch, as well as the lunches of several other kids to maintain his strength advantage. Who was I to upset that delicate balance of power?
In conclusion, Pat Buchannan is a racist jackass. THE END.