... first of all, fellow GUSSACKS, I must apologize for the overwhelming lateness of this diary! I had forgotten about a commitment to attend a dinner/ birfday party for a friend of my girlfriend, and I had a super-later than usual day at work today resulting from ... the fact that I have way too much to do at work. Plus our CMS went kinda haywire and started displaying large, unnecessarily cold-hearted error messages. Didn't mean to leave anyone who was looking to talk GUS hanging!!!
So, I had my first serious slip-ups since I started GUS back on July 2. As I said back then, I have an easy time quitting for a week or two, and not so easy of a time getting it into the several month range. I don't think I smoked because of a mere physical addiction, I smoked because I had simply integrated smoking into my life as a means to deal with everyday drama, decision-making, various little behavior patterns, and to me it was a comfort and a sort of twisted friend.
I saw a study somewhere recently, I don't remember where, but it said that people who suffered from depression tended to describe quitting smoking as 'losing a friend' moreso than having to 'give something up'. That's definitely the category I'm in. The reason I messed up and bought some smokes was something that would always have caused my smoking to shoot through the roof — I had a job interview. One I was really nervous and hopeful about. Trying to get a 'real' job at the place I've been working as a temp for the past year, almost. Not sure how I did in the interview, but in hindsight, I think I would have felt more on top of things had I not 'failed' myself the night before by succumbing to my stupid old habit / 'friend'. Do wish me luck though, I've been living on next to nothing for way too long now!
Anyone else having greater success than they expected? Greater challenges? Quitting smoking, for life, is really hard. It kind of reminds me of a mental phase I went through around the time I left elementary school to go off to middle school - 7th grade. I had a long-time habit of playing Dungeons & Dragons. I loved it like no other hobby I had. But I had myself convinced that in order to 'grow up', I had to give it up. My logic was this — no girls will like me if they know I do this, and other guys will want to beat me up and not want to be my friend. But I kept slipping up and finding myself playing, by myself, in the weirdest state of mind. Now, of course, quitting smoking is really nothing like that in many ways. But it feels mentally the same in that it is a challenge I've set for myself, rather than something that anyone came along and directly imposed on me. Which makes it feel rather arbitrary at times, especially since, as I mentioned earlier, life has been difficult in the extreme for the past year and a half, what with unstable employment and barely enough income to cover my bills, let alone adequate food, (or entertainment, or smokes! or smoking cessation materials!!)
I'm not sure if that makes any sense. I did quit playing Dungeons & Dragons, but over time I came to realize that a lot of people actually kept doing that and led happy lives full of friendships, sex, etc. I was just paranoid and hyper-worried about what others thought of me. In this case now, I went so long trying to not care what anyone thought that I somehow ended up not caring myself what I thought of myself. Does that make any sense? How else can one carry on smoking, but to forget, over and over, what it does to you. I suppose it's possible to just never learn in the first place, but that's difficult by now. But I did learn, and at some point I decided I just didn't care. I always had myself pegged as a 'die young' case (and I almost did), but now that I'm in my 30's, I can't go around living like a kid who's convinced that life will be artificially short regardless. It may now be, but just because of my own bad decisions! As the great Chris Rock said, "People say life is short. Uh-uh. Life is LONG. Especially if you make the wrong decisions!"
Wishing all of you luck who have made the right decision about GUS, and pleading for your wishes of wellness too!
Current members of the GUS team! Please post a comment in the butt can if you would like to join, or if your name is here in error:
1BQ, 3rdGenFeminist, Abra Crabcakeya, addisnana, AfroPonix, amk for obama, Anne933, aoeu, Archie2227, ArthurWolf (in memoriam), awkawk, bamablue, barnowl, bgblcklab1, Bike Crash, BirderWitch, blue husky, Blue Intrigue, bluestatedem84, BoiseBlue, breedlovinit, BrowniesAreGood, bsmechanic, burrow owl, Chocolate Chris, ChurchofBruce, coppercelt, dadanation, dangoch, Dexter, Dingodude, donnamarie, DRo, droogie6655321, duckhunter, EdgedInBlue, Everest42, Fineena, Flea, flumptytail, FrugalGranny, Garrett, greylox, gchaucer2, Geiiga, grndrush, Im a frayed knot, Indexer, interceptor7, inventor, itsbenj, Jahiz, Jyrix, jvolvo's Mom, jwinIL14, kai99, kailuacaton, kestrel9000, khloemi, Khun David, labwitchy, Lady Kestrel, ladypockt, langerdang, LarsThorwald, Last Starfighter, Lipstick Liberal, lmdonovan, luvsathoroughbred, maggiemay, magicsister, marknspokane, mdemploi, Mikeguyver, Minerva1157, MinervainNH, mskitty, nannyboz, ncsuLAN, Nick Zouroudis, one pissed off democrat, Ordvefa, PaintyKat, paulitics, Pennsylvanian, post rational, revelwoodie, rkex, rosebuddear, SallyCat, seenaymah, Scrapyard Ape, sheddhead, smartcookienyc, spmozart, theatre goon, triciawyse, trueblueliberal, Turn VABlue, Turtle Bay, uc booker, Unduna, Vacationland, webranding, weelzup, willy mugobeer, Wood Dragon, x
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