I'm sorry to bother you all, but I'm in dire straits.
See, I'm sitting in my doctors office, attempting to deal with an ear infection and severe swelling on my left side, but I've just found out that my physician will not take the 3 chickens I've brought for payment.
Turns out that the deductible on my insurance is one goat and one bull (or pregnant cow of equal or greater weight) and being a farmer of ONLY small birds I find myself DESPERATE.
I TRIED to deal with the payment issue by packing up 15 chickens and taking them to my friend Dave (he used to be a lawyer, but had to give it up in order to start HIS farm) as a trade for the aforementioned pregnant cow, but by the time I got back to my general practitioner's office, Matilda (VERY cute, sad eyes) went into labor and NOW I'm just wondering if there's anyone reading this who might be a veterinarian that can help me deliver the calf so that I can get medical care?
(And not to worry, I do have an extra couple "roasting kittens" to pay for the Vet services.)
Furthermore...
...it turns out that the orthopedist who can repair my wife's broken leg WILL take chickens, but the cost is 600 and I simply don't have the room here in Venice to farm that many live birds.
So, I was wondering if I could give the live crocodile (which I got as change from the orthodontist when my daughter got her braces) and the raccoon family (which I was planning to use as payment for my son's foot fungus issues) to ANYONE who had a coop large enough to house the 600 chickens.
(Please note that at the moment the chickens are little more than eggs, so the person taking on these animals will have to hold on to them until they hatch or until such time as my wife dies of sepsis from lack of treatment. Incubation time is roughly 21 days, so...)
One last thing... my therapist suddenly raised rates (see they TOLD us Obamacare wouldn't work!) from a pig and the wool of a sheep to a half-dozen, grass-fed ostriches, but due to lack of previous payment, my cardiologists sent coyotes to repossess our ostriches, leaving me increasingly anxious with a failing heart and a dead puppy (collateral damage from the coyote attack).
So, I'm curious if anyone might know of a system where EVERYONE IN THE COUNTRY COULD SIMPLY PAY MONEY TO GET AFFORDABLE HEALTH CARE?
UPDATE: While sitting in the ER waiting area -- now bleeding profusely from my ears -- a car crash victim was rolled through. Bad news... the patient died. Good news... this individual was a REGISTERED LIVESTOCK DONOR (new with the Sue Lowdon heath care bill)... and therefore I'm eligible to receive the dearly departed's entire stock of pigs and horses. Won't pay the bills completely, but might keep me from having to foreclose on our house!
Unrelated, in case I live... me on twitter: JeffLieber