I think it's a commonly held belief that Newt Gingrich does want to run for President in 2012. He's certainly weighing in on the issues of the day to try to stay relevant in people's minds, from gay marriage to Islam. But last week, that all changed. In an 8-minute segment, Stephen Colbert absolutely destroyed any hopes Newt Gingrich had of winning the Presidency. I mean, seriously, if he does enter the race (and if he's smart, after seeing this video, he won't), all his opponents need to do (whether in the primary or the general) is to play this clip over and over again.
Nation, it's August, that's vacation time. And everyone's heading out of New York and Washington. Personally, I'm going out to the beach on Fire Island to look for gay people buried up to their necks in sand, and read the Bible at their heads.
But the thing is, my fun in the sun is getting rained on, because I am muy frioso at Michelle Obama's luxury vacation. Now I don't care about the cost, folks, I take more expensive trips to the bathroom. Toilet paper is too scratchy, I use first editions.
So it's not what she spent, it's where she spent it. España. Jim?
KARL ROVE (8/9/2010): Why don't you think about vacationing somewhere in the United States?
GLENN BECK (8/9/2010): Spain? Spain!
MICHELLE MALKIN (8/9/2010): I think this was cold stone stupid.
That's right. Cold Stone Stupid. That is stupid on a marble slab mixed in with an entire Snickers bar. That is dummy in my tummy. The point is, Mrs. Obama should've stayed in the U.S. If she wanted to go someplace Spanish, she should've vacationed in the parking lot of a Home Depot. And this, after she told us to travel to the Gulf! Turns out the gulf she was talking about was between what she says and what she does. (audience gasps at Stephen) Oh, oh yeah, I'm bringin' it.
Not that that's always a bad thing. Look at Newt Gingrich. His moral compass is so great, he can make it point it wherever he wants. At least, according to his ex-wife Marianne, in this month's Esquire. Now don't worry, this isn't that depressing story about Newt dumping his wife when she was in the hospital with cancer. Marianne's the woman he dumped the cancer wife for. You see, later, Newt left Marianne for an even younger Congressional aide who became his third wife. Newt is so pro-marriage, he can't stop doing it. He is so morally upright, that he's only had sex after he was married. Just not always to the woman he was married to.
Now, according to his second wife Marianne, the night before Newt dumped her, he gave a big speech about family values. So she asked him, and I'm paraphrasing here, "How do you give that speech, and at the same time, be such a douchebag pussyhound?" Well, according to Marianne, Newt came up with an inspiring answer:
"It doesn't matter what I do. ... People need to hear what I have to say. There's no one else who can say what I can say. It doesn't matter what I live."
In short, "Do as I say, not who I do." I mean, Newt is a great inspiration, especially to an important subset of Americans. Me. You see, like Newt, there's no one else who can say what I say, cause I will sue you for copyright infringement. And with Newt's example, I am free to tell you to do the exact opposite of what I do.
Like, recycle your aluminum cans.
Or, provide your employees with bathrooms.
Or, don't get rid of old paint thinner by dumping it in kiddie pools.
Now some say this revelation of Newt's narcissistic, sociopathic hypocrisy just slightly undermines his moral authority. So, where can we then look for moral guidance?
To each other. You see, America is the most moral country in the world. That's why after all these years, the Statue of Liberty is still a virgin. I checked. Now... so to be moral, all we Americans really have to do is whatever other Americans say is moral. And now we know what that is. Thanks to a recent Gallup poll, which ranks various acts in order of moral acceptability. [Stephen used the 2009 numbers for some reason. The 2010 version can be found here.] For instance, according to these numbers, the least morally acceptable thing to do is have an affair. Meanwhile, the most morally acceptable act in this poll is the death penalty, which is tied with divorce. So if you catch your husband cheating, you're equally justified asking for alimony, or lethal injection. (applause) I agree, I agree. I'm a huge lethal injection fan.
But, between the no-no of extramarital orgasm and the go-for-it! of legalized revenge killing, there is some gray area. For a more in depth look, let's head over to the Colbert Report Moral Compass 5000 Action Center!
Welcome to the Moral Compass 5000, where Jesus goes to find out what he would do. OK, let's fire it up!
Folks, using touchscreen technology, I can tell you when you've been good, when you've been bad, and when you've been Snoopy.
So let's take a look at the Gallup morality poll results.
OK, as you can see, ranking slightly more acceptable than adultery is polygamy. Which means that cheating on your wife isn't bad, if you're cheating on her with... your other wife.
Meanwhile, Americans find cloning humans to be slightly more acceptable than polygamy or adultery. OK, so if you're still feeling randy, try cloning your wife. That way, you can get some strange, that's still strangely familiar.
But before you start making the beast with two backs with your cloned wife, who, by the way, might already have two backs due to the complications of the cloning process, you'd better wait until you're officially married. Because, Americans rank having a baby out of wedlock as worse than lab testing on animals. So if you do have a baby out of wedlock, you can balance things out by squirting shampoo into a bunny rabbit's eyes. Like this. Squirt that right there, and... he's still happy. Or, if you don't have a bunny rabbit, squirt it into the eyes of Snoopy.
(sheepishly) I've done better Snoopys.
Now, if you do marry your clone wife, you are back to being a polygamist. But since gambling is considered more morally acceptable, try losing your wife in a poker match. Maybe... to Newt Gingrich.
He is always on the prowl for a new one. The point is, there are a lot of ways to skin this cat. Oooh! By the way, skinning a cat, also morally acceptable.
See, right now, all the GOP hopefuls are basically reading from the same economic playbook (The Book of "No!") the last year or so. They're all dutifully bashing Mexicans and Muslims. They've basically become carbon copies of each other right now. As Rachel Maddow pointed out last week, social issues have taken a backseat, for now. So how are they going to distinguish themselves from one another in the primary? They're going to have to magnify the differences. There will probably be the standard "You're an Obama-lover!" attack line for some non-insane position they took years ago. (And yes, mark my words, they WILL use "Obama-lover" because of the racial dog whistle of it sounding like n****r-lover. They're not very good poker players; their moves are easy to predict.)
But since they agree 100% on economic issues, it's gonna turn on social issues again. The primary will be a place where someone, say Mike Huckabee, uses Newt's affairs and adultery against him. Or where a Mitt Romney will use his China comments to attack him for wanting to make us Communists. And remember, conventional wisdom keeps saying that one of Newt's strengths is his intellectualism, which may hurt him in a GOP primary where the voters there hate intellectuals. The nuance of what he meant about China and the capital gains tax will be lost on them over the screams of, "He wants to make us communists!!"
At least, that's my opinion.