Hello, rube. Yes, you. I heard you're not smoking because of some fairy tale about cigarettes causing cancer. Clever! After you get done believing a bunch of doctor jargon about "carcinogens" that affect your lungs or your heart, perhaps we could discuss selling Alaska's bridge?
Oh, I know we've heard the stories a lot over the past 30 years. You shouldn't smoke because you put yourself at risk for cancer. Bollocks. Cigarettes may not be healthy per se, but cancer? Really? Think of all the people who died of lung cancer without smoking. These doctors keep trying to convince you not to touch cigarettes because they could severely shorten your life. If that's the case, why drive a car since we could die in a wreck. Why risk going to the bank when it could be robbed? Your health has nothing to do with inhaling a nice cigarette after a long day. Nothing relaxes you like a trip to Marlboro Country.
If your doctor gives you a lecture about quitting smoking because some biased bleeding heart liberal published a study about the effects of these so-called "carcinogens" on our lungs, tell him to get lost. You graduated from high school and you'll be damned if you gotta take advice from some trust fund baby that spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on studying medicine.
Just listen to this crap they try to peddle: male and female smokers may lose an average of 13-14 years off their life. People who work in mines may die at 30, but that does that mean we should stop mining? No! People can live long lives even if they smoke! You won't be dying because of cigarettes; you'll be dying because God will say it's your time to go.
So, relax and have a smoke. And while you're taking an easy drag, listen to what else these bogus scientists are trying to tell us: CO2 is bad for the environment.
I'll let you take that in for a moment, then give you the proper response.
What?!
It's like they take us for idiots. The same people that think harmful toxins could have a negative effect on our bodies also want us to believe that two natural gases -- carbon and oxygen -- are bad for the atmosphere. They want us to believe that over 200 years of pumping carbon dioxide into the atmosphere is having a negative effect on the planet's overall health.
Unbelievable.
They really do take us for rubes. I mean, we exhale CO2. Does that make us polluters? Should we stop breathing? God created CO2 because he knew one day people would make themselves billionaires off of it. And who would want to mess with God's Plan?
Here's another thing: CO2 is absorbed by plants! So yes, we may emit millions of tons of it into the atmosphere every day, but plants thrive off of it. Saying that you want to lower carbon emissions is like saying you want to kill plants. And I thought you were a liberal? Don't you liberals just love trees and stuff? I thought so.
Greenhouse gases, global warming, climate change…this is all a bunch of jargon created by pseudo-scientists being funded by the non-existent green conglomerate. These idiots can't even keep their jargon straight. First, it was all about a fictional greenhouse effect. Then it was something about the planet warming, but they had to figure out a way to explain why it was so cold so they called it "climate change." Then, they hit you with more jargon about how global warming and climate change are two different things. They are swindling you in front of your eyes! They try to tell you that you can't see the forest for the trees, but thanks to courageous people from the API, Koch Industries and Exxon, we are finally seeing the light.
Once upon a time people tried to convince you not to smoke because of the fictional health problems; now they are trying to tell you to be greener to save the planet from a fictional disaster. Stop letting these scientists, doctors and experts who have spent years, sometimes decades practicing different ways to screw you, scare you!
I am not standing for it anymore, which is why I'm creating a grassroots movement with the funding of oil and utility companies and the marketing of the Heritage Foundation to let you be free to give your money to honorable corporations.
As a great American once said, "let not your heart be troubled." And I'm not going to let science trouble my heart.