Some of us who live in rural Kentucky are appalled at the suggestion that an Ay-rab terrorist like Khalid Sheikh Mohammed could be tried all Constitution-like at the scene of the crime in New York City. The US would have to spend a lot of money making security arrangements to protect big-city Wall Street folks and make them feel secure and blocking off streets and making it hard for them to go about their daily lives and doing their daily jobs of ripping off the public. Even non-banker big-city folks could be inconvenienced, and that might make them get rude, and out here in the sticks, we've heard that no matter what, you don't want to make New York City folks get rude. So we think y'all ought to try Khalid Sheikh Mohammed and them other boys here in rural Kentucky.
We could probably house a few of them terrorists in our jails here, too. Why not? We've got everything y'all need, and at a fraction of the cost.
- We're fairly escape-proof. If they escape by walking away from an Eastern (or Western) (or Southern) KY jail, where are they going to go? Not many folks 'round these parts speak Arabic. For that matter, to the rest of the US, what we speak here ain't even English. Some counties are (almost) entirely white, and thanks to inbreeding, most of us look alike. Any furriner, even someone from Ohio, stands out like a sore thumb, making capture easy. Terrorists, unlike Kentuckians, cannot live on moonshine alone.
- We wouldn't need no steenkin' federal marshalls for security. All we'd need is a couple hundred rednecks who can plug a deer a quarter mile away while drunk (the redneck or the deer). Just provide the ammo and the Jim Beam. We'll take care of the rest.
- There would be no need to block roads or put up barricades. One good winter storm, either an ice storm like last year's or a snow storm like last month's (or the one we're having right now) would block every road in the area for a month. Chopper in beforehand enough food, water, tobacco, kerosene, kerosene heaters, generators, and candles to last a month and we'll be fine. If we're tough enough to do it for a month - and we've done it for a month, trust me on that - we can do it again for a month. The trial would be over in a month, because we'd be getting cranky by then and we do NOT want to run out of the essentials mentioned above.
- We would not provide a platform for terrorists. Around here, the only things people listen to are preachers (only fundie Christians need apply), wingnuts, basketball, and weather reports. Ain't no furriner reporters or pundits like CNN gonna do no reportin' or punditin' from here, neither, cuz they'll either get lost or stuck on the way to the courthouse. We're pretty friendly 'round these parts, and we'll help 'em get unstuck, but they won't be finding the courthouse anyway, because even if we do give 'em directions, they won't understand us.
So that's why y'all ought to consider moving the terrorist trials here to rural Kentucky, and maybe even consider housing a few of them Gitmo guys here. Of course, Mitch McConnell wouldn't like it, but he don't like nuthin' nohow, so y'all don't have to worry 'bout him.
Crossposted at The Hillbilly Report, unless it didn't post right. :-)