My sister decided to post the following to her Facebook account after receiving some feedback from various people concerning certain of her "anti-religious" posts. I thought this needed to be shared.
"In recent days I’ve posted a couple of links and made a few comments about religion, expressing my mixed feelings and even anger at churches, and at organized religion as a whole. These comments have stirred up quite a bit of discussion among my friends and family, especially those who are churchgoers and consider their religious faith to be an important part of their lives. I’m writing this essay mainly for them, but really for any of my friends/family who might have been offended by my comments, or at least, wondering where it all came from.
"First, I’d like to explain why I’m so angry at religion.
"I was raised Catholic, and went to 8 years of Parochial school. Yes, I was a Catholic schoolgirl. I put in my time scrubbing the first-grade classroom with a toothbrush after being caught smoking at recess (for those former St. Rose-ians reading this, Kerry Simms and I were caught by the meek Sr. Carol, but had our punishment meted out by the terrifying Sr. Julia, who stood over us for three lunch periods in a row while we scrubbed our fingers raw).
"When I was in 8th grade, my father died in a car accident. Obviously this is a horrible thing for any family to experience, and as a 13-yr-old girl, the impact on my life was, and continues to be, staggering. And one of the most powerful impacts was on my belief in God. You see, I’d never even questioned it before. It wouldn’t have crossed my mind to question God’s existence. I spent my schooldays surrounded by nuns, my Sundays at Church, and many Saturday evenings at CCD. We prayed at home, said Grace before meals. With such immersion, what kid would even have a chance to question it?
"A few days after my Dad died, one of our parish priests called me out of class and sat me down to talk, I guess to give me some kind of comfort. I remember him speaking all the platitudes about how it must have been God’s plan, blah blah blah. I asked him WHY God would make such a plan that would take a good, churchgoing man away from his family, because it just didn’t make sense to me. I remember the priest thinking for a few moments, and then asking me, "Didn’t your father stop taking communion?"
"In fact, he had. He’d stopped going up for communion at mass over a year ago. I’d asked him why at the time, and he wouldn’t tell me – so I asked my Mom, who explained that the reason Daddy wasn’t taking communion was because she was taking birth control pills. She was taking them because we just couldn’t afford a baby right now. I knew why: my Dad had lost his job last year when the Aerospace industry crashed, and had spent a year on unemployment, blowing through all of our savings and even putting us on food stamps for a while. He’d recently started working again, and while we were on track to begin getting back on our feet financially, it wouldn’t make sense to have a baby when we still couldn’t afford it.
"But the Catholic Church considers birth control a sin, Mom explained, and so my Dad, being a good Catholic, decided to abstain from communion.
"So yes, I answered the priest, my Dad had stopped taking communion, because he and my Mom had been trying to not have a baby. Ah, said the priest. That must be why. So there’s a good lesson for you, he said: one must always obey the laws of the Church, or risk the wrath of God.
"And at that he smiled, patted me on the head, and sent me back to class, probably feeling proud of his God-given ability to offer comfort to the children even in the face of the worst of life’s tragedies.
"Me? I was HORRIFIED! I felt like throwing up. My beloved father, the best man I knew, the most kind, loving, good-hearted, caring father on the planet, whom I worshipped with all my heart, was struck down in the prime of his life in a violent, bloody car wreck, leaving his wife and three young kids with no money and no means of support, solely because he wanted to be able to continue to make love to his beautiful wife without bringing another baby into our financially-struggling household.
"That was the moment I stopped believing in God. My 13-yr-old mind simply could not grasp the evil of that concept. So I rejected it entirely. I have never been able to accept the Christian version of God ever since.
"There were other incidents that impacted my young mind on this topic as well. I used to go to Girl Scout camp at Lake Candlewood every summer. One year I met a girl there. We became fast friends and penpals, and saw each other at camp every summer. When we were 12, she told me that she knew she was different from other kids - she liked girls, not guys, romantically. I knew nothing of homosexuality, but I felt in my heart that this was okay. It was different from me, but that was fine. Hey, my other girlfriend liked short nerdy guys. I liked tall athletic guys. Janet liked girls. Whatev. She knew I wasn't into girls, so there was no problem between us. She told me that she knew there were others like her, and that someday she would find a girl who would love her. It all made sense to me, perhaps because nobody had poisoned my mind with the concept that there was anything wrong with it.
"Even after we stopped going to camp, we continued to write frequently. When she was 15, she came out to her parents - something that was incredibly brave back in the 70's. Her parents were horrified, and took her to their priest, who told her she was going to hell if she didn't change. The word got out at her school, and she was subjected to horrible bullying. Her last letter to me was filled with pain.
"When I didn't hear from her for several months, I called her home. Her parents kept hanging up the phone on me, but I just kept calling back. It was her younger sister who finally told me that she'd hung herself in her bathroom.
"As I grew up, other things that happened around me contributed to my views on religion. I developed friendships with certain people who turned out to be gay. Through these friendships I was exposed to the terrible impact that prejudice and discrimination had on the lives of gay people. I ended up doing a lot of research on that, trying to understand WHY our society treats gay people so horribly...WHY such bigotry is allowed and, in fact, encouraged by leaders in our society. What I learned is that it’s primarily driven by religious beliefs: "The Bible says it’s wrong."
"I witnessed ever more pain and suffering caused by anti-gay tenets and laws. A few years ago, I had a boss who was a lesbian. She and her lover had raised her lover's son from an early marriage. They'd been together for 13 years. When Gavin Newsome (mayor of SF) legalized same-sex marriage for a brief period several years ago, they quickly made plans to get married up there - bought plane tickets, arranged for a reception, bought dresses. The day before they were supposed to fly up there, a court outlawed it. They were heartbroken. I’ll never forget the tears on my boss’s face, as she sat in her office after hearing the news. All they wanted was to legally legitimize their union. Why shouldn't they be able to? What harm would be caused to anyone?
"Not long ago, a gay couple that I know of went on vacation to South Carolina. While they were there, Steve had a heart attack. He spent 5 days in the hospital. The hospital never let Nathan in to see him, because they weren't related. Steve had no family - only Nathan. Steve was conscious and lucid, and begged them to allow Nathan in to see him, but he was in the cardiac ICU, and only immediate family were allowed. Steve died on the fifth day, having never been able to see Nathan. Nathan never got to say goodbye. These two men were together for 27 YEARS!
"I ended up joining in the battle for gay civil rights, because I just didn’t see any other choice. I was witnessing an injustice in our society, and my moral sense was that I couldn’t stand by and not doing anything. I fought against Proposition 22, an anti-gay-marriage act that was voted into law in California in 2000 (and struck down in 2008). I brought my young kids to Gay Pride events. I started writing letters to the editor of our local paper challenging homophobia and anti-gay sentiment, and eventually become a regular contributor, publishing numerous columns on this topic. I continued my fight against Prop 8 in 2008, standing on street corners holding "No on 8" signs, being spit at, called horrible names, had disgusting things thrown at me, by people who I guess thought that they were acting on their God’s behalf.
"Meanwhile, things that have been happening in the world at large have increased my anger at religion in general.
"Just look at Sept. 11. What caused these mostly intelligent, educated men to commit such vile, heinous acts that violently ended the lives of thousands upon thousands of innocent people? RELIGION! Their twisted conviction that their faith, their God, demands that people who DON’T believe as they do must DIE! Men, women, children – many who probably never even HEARD of the Muslim version of God – must die HORRIBLY because they don’t believe in him.
"And then there’s the Taliban, and the suffering they have been inflicting on women for decades. And what about the Christian crusades? In fact, if you think about it, religion has been behind most of the evils perpetrated by man against man throughout history. These organizations have cause immeasurable pain and evil. What are the two main reasons that wars occur? Greed, and God. People are so invested emotionally in their beliefs in the supernatural that they feel they have to convert EVERYBODY to believe what they believe...or eliminate them. That's what terrorism is all about: believe what I believe about God, or die. And there's Pastor Fred Phelps, that "Baptist" pastor who pickets at soldier funerals, blaming their deaths on homosexuality (even though the soldiers themselves are not gay). There's the Catholic priest sex-abuse scandal. And now I’m reading about all these young gays taking their own lives because of the bullying they’ve been subjected to due to their sexual orientation, and it brings back the horror.
"By now, I’m sure you’re wondering: "So where’s the apology? All I’ve seen so far is a vehement anti-religion rant!"
"Yes, I have felt intense anger against religion, for all the reasons cited above, and more. I wanted to explain that first.
"But then, the other day I was starkly reminded that my view of religion is actually pretty one-sided. An old friend of mine from high school commented on my post about the Mormon church, calling my reaction "prejudiced and bigoted".
"WHAT? How could I be prejudiced or bigoted? I’m the one FIGHTING against prejudice and bigotry! At first I was enraged. It reminded me of a column war I had once with a Professor of Ethics at Pepperdine University, back when I was a freelance writer. He ran a column that was horrifically anti-gay. I ran a column about his column, in which I called him "intolerant". He ran a column in which he accused me of being "intolerant of intolerance".
"So is it bigoted to be against bigotry? Is it prejudiced to be angry at, and want to fight against, people/organizations that display prejudice?
"Here is the a dictionary definition of prejudice:
1. a. An adverse judgment or opinion formed beforehand or without
knowledge or examination of the facts.
b. A preconceived preference or idea.
2. The act or state of holding unreasonable preconceived judgments or
convictions.
3. Irrational suspicion or hatred of a particular group, race, or
religion.
4. Detriment or injury caused to a person by the preconceived,
unfavorable conviction of another or others.
"Do my views about religion fall into that definition?
"I acknowledge that I have a very negative viewpoint about the world's major organized religions. But I feel that I have valid reasons to hold these viewpoints: major religions - and in particular, the radical extremist belief in religious dogma by people in positions of power - have caused immeasurable harm, pain, and suffering to people for thousands of years. Is it prejudice to be angry at a group that causes harm? I am also against NAMBLA (National Man Boy Love Association). This is an organization that actually promotes pedophilia - something that causes harm and suffering. Does that mean I'm prejudiced against them?
"See, my opinion is that being against a group that causes harm, that's not prejudice. That's morality.
"Note that the above definition of prejudice states that the preconceived judgments must be "unreasonable" and "irrational." Being against a group that is harmless, that simply exists, is prejudiced. Being against a group that actively seeks to HURT people...is not.
"But then he reminded me that there are contemporary examples of people with strong affiliations to organized religion who have led compassionate and productive lives, giving to humanity, relieving suffering, and improving the lives of others. Inspirational behavior associated with religious belief is there to see, he reminded me, for those whose prejudices do not make them blind to it. Ghandi, Martin Luther King, Mother Teresa...all of these people gave of themselves to help others, under the umbrella of their faith.
"And he’s right. This is the part that I too often forget, colored by my anger. I also received a few emails from other people in my life to whom faith is important...GOOD people, whom I care for and deeply respect. And then I thought about all the churches out there that DON’T include anti-homosexuality in their tenets. I’ve been to these churches. I witnessed my first commitment ceremony between two women at a United Church of Christ. I spent years deeply involved in a local Unitarian Universalist church, one of the most welcoming churches on the planet.
"I have friends to whom their faith has been nothing but a positive factor throughout their lives. There’s Jill, whose beloved brother died of Aids several years ago. She didn’t lose her faith – in fact, she went on to seminary, graduated, and became a pastor in a welcoming Christian congregation! There’s Barb, who has spent years talking to me, helping me to understand her deep faith, even though her particular faith does not accept homosexuality...but she has continued to be my friend and accept MY right to believe what I believe, without ever shaking her own convictions. She is one of the most quality, accepting humans I know, and has never used her religious belief to cause harm...only good.
"I have seen people lose loved ones, and turn to their faith in God and the afterlife to bring them comfort. I wish I could do that, I admire their ability to find such comfort, and in fact I’m envious of it. But I’m glad that they have it, and I have seen the comfort it has provided...the ability to make sense of an otherwise incomprehensible loss, and move out of the pain to live a productive life.
"I have also seen the good that organized religions can do. The outreach, the giving, the efforts to alleviate suffering...it’s all out there, happening, under the guise of religion. Faith in God CAN inspire people to do good. Just having communities based on caring for others is a positive factor in our society. We need that.
"I wish, however, that so many of them didn’t have to hold their anti-gay views. I wish so many of them didn’t feel like they have to do the things they do that cause harm to gay people and families. I do understand the Christian viewpoint that marriage should be between a man and a woman. I disagree with it, but I totally agree that religions should be allowed to determine their own views on that, and choose whether or not to perform same-sex marriages within the framework of their church. But what I CAN'T accept is their efforts to deny OTHERS, those NOT of their faith, the ability to do so. That's where they go wrong, in my book. Remember, there are two aspects to a marriage: the religious, and the civil. The civil has to do with governmental benefits: issues surrounding money, taxes, legal rights. No church should have a say in who can participate in those benefits. I will continue to fight for the CIVIL rights of gays to marry.
"I also wish that ALL faithful people could accept others’ right to believe as they do...even if it differs from theirs. Many can, and do. But many can’t – and that’s why we still have faith-based terrorism.
"It’s an imperfect world. I’M imperfect. I say things I don’t mean...I don’t think things through. I need to work on that. I apologize for saying that ALL religions are bad, because they’re not. I’m grateful that religions and religious people exist, because they do incalculable good for humanity.
"Now if we could just somehow stop the bad..."
Good job, Sis!