I'm in a new city. I've been here for eleven weeks. Before that I was in another new city, that one for a year. Before that, I was in an apartment in my hometown. During that year I moved out of and short-sold my house, closed my business, had my first baby, and saw my husband through a drastic career change. We have moved three times in two years. Our son had colic for his first nine months. I don't even really know where I'm going with all of this.
So we're in this new city, and I know a few people whom I've met through my husband. Nobody close, though. We came here out of necessity. This place is pretty ugly, lots of strip malls. I wouldn't have chosen it. We've sort of plopped ourselves into this house. It feels surreal. I don't feel connected to anything. I've been sort of fascinated with churches and religious folks lately, like they are being cradled at someone's breast. I wish I could be like them, in a way, but I know I'm not. Maybe it's spending almost all of my time with my son and no other adults, talking to someone who doesn't talk back. That's a strange feeling, after awhile. There's just some kind of void, and I can't put my finger on it any better than I already have.
Back home, there was something about walking down the streets that were so familiar. That did feel like being in someone's arms. Sometimes I can drive down a street here and it will remind me of approaching an avenue back there. I will get the feeling that I would have if I were there, and will it, but then I would find myself just here and feeling vacant and not knowing how I'm supposed to feel. Being in a certain place can almost feel like I am with a person, like the place has this life all its own, that I can relate to without speaking. There's a kind of communion, something to anchor me. Now I'm just floating. This place doesn't seem to have any soul. It's all nasty insects and humid weather and republicans.
I've met a few other moms, people I meet up with frequently, but am I supposed to call some almost-stranger and complain? Or tell her that I desperately miss having people in my life? That's attractive. Or how about I pretend as though nothing is wrong and keep it light, though that's the last thing I feel? I'll probably do what I always do. Keep meeting up, keep my distance, and stay lonely. Because I'm afraid of being rejected, and I don't know how to make friends when I am in this kind of mental place. When I feel like I already need to much to start with.
I don't even know what it is that I need. There's just no gravity here right now, and not in a good kind of way.