Imagine you're on an airplane flight.
Imagine it's a long flight - a really long flight: two years long, to be exact.
Imagine on the flight with you are 300 million other people. And among the 300 million and 1 of you, you all get to decide what you're going to eat for the next two years.
But the menu options are limited. You're not flying first class here. Nope, all you have is two menu choices, both cold sandwiches.
Neither of the two sandwiches is what you would call a gourmet delight. No one will argue that these sandwiches represent the pinnacle of sandwich excellence. In fact, frankly, only one of the two will even sustain you for the next two years; the other will make your life miserable at best, and probably much worse.
You're gonna all be together on this plane for a lonnnng time. How all of you as a group vote on your menu choice is really, really important. Because you gotta eat.
Let me repeat that: You GOTTA EAT.
So no matter what, you're going to be eating one or the other - PBJ or s#!t sandwich - for the next two years.
You and your planemates have to decide what you want to eat for the next two years:
PBJ or s#!t sandwich?
Shortly after Barack Obama was elected president, I wrote a diary titled,
Waiter! This chicken isn't filet mignon!
Here's how it started:
A week before the election, David Sedaris had an hysterical piece in The New Yorker about voters who were still allegedly "undecided":
To put them in perspective, I think of being on an airplane. The flight attendant comes down the aisle with her food cart and, eventually, parks it beside my seat. "Can I interest you in the chicken?" she asks. "Or would you prefer the platter of shit with bits of broken glass in it?"
To be undecided in this election is to pause for a moment and then ask how the chicken is cooked.
In this election, to be a Democrat and not to vote is to ask for the s#!t sandwich.
Wanna know what a s#!t sandwich looks like? Take a look here:
The Republicans, in their own words (Part 1): bats#!t crazy
The Republicans, in their own words (Part 2): bigotry, hate and violence
The Republicans, in their own words (Part 3): Big Fat Liars (and hypocrites)
The Republicans, in their own words (Part 4): 'Let 'em eat applesauce'
Now there might be a few out there who, for their own twisted reasons, absolutely loooove the idea of eating s#!t sandwich for the next two years. Some of them actually believe it'll be good for us in the long run. Something about "learning a lesson," or something like that; I'm not sure what their reasoning is. Doesn't matter - I don't subscribe to that particular fetish. At all.
For me, it's PBJ, all the way.
Now - would I rather have the pesto and dill chicken sandwich? Oh, hell, yeah. A Monte Cristo, perhaps? Soitanly! Maybe a portobello burger? Yeahhhh, that'd be nice.
But, aw hell - none of those is on the menu now.
It's strictly PBJ or s#!t.
And if I don't get off my ass RIGHT NOW, the next two years will suck.
A few weeks ago, NPR ran a story about the then-upcoming elections in Brazil, a country where 16-year-olds have the right to vote. One of the kids they interviewed talked about how she was weighing whether she wanted to cast her vote in this particular election (since she was not particularly excited about any of the candidates), or whether she should wait until the next one.
Today, 16-year-old Vanessa Rodrigues is skipping class with her best friend. She says the environment is the main issue people her age think about, but she's not interested in elections.
Vanessa says, "I think it's really cool that we can vote at 16. In other countries, you can't, like the United States. It's a nice difference, but," she adds, "I don't really see any good politicians, and I don't really see why I should vote."
Brilliant.
News flash for Democrats who think like 16-year-old Brazilian girls who skip school:
Voting is not like shopping at Barneys New York – you don’t get a better deal if you wait ‘til the warehouse sale.
Remember that sandwich selection that's going to be made either for you or by you? Yeah - in the next few days, you've got a chance to help this country live on a diet of PBJ for the next two years.
Way better than the alternative.