Some thoughts about backscatter machines, Drudge-lovin' Rand Paulites, black helicopter worriers, the Free Mumians, the anti-vaccine crowd, and those that think that the TSA needs to be taken down a notch or two.
Dear Everyone.
I'm against the TSA and all the forms of Law Enforcement.
No I'm not if I were that type of person then I would also say:
Who are they to tell me what to do?
This is America!
I'm against Health Care Reform, Social Security, and All Taxes. Who the hell is this Government telling me that I can't build a nuclear plant on my land in the city.
I'm against Medicare, Medicaid, the EPA -- goddamn, especially the EPA -- OSHA, the FEC, the FCC, the Dept of Education, the ATF, laws against polygamy. Laws against givin' my young'uns some tobacco and alcohol. And beating the utter English language outta them when they disobey. Makes them men!
Who is the government to tell me that I can't bring my AK-47 and bag of grenades to my child's elementary school and let them play with them at show and tell?
Who is the government to tell me that I can't bring an anti-aircraft missile to my job at LAX? I am a citizen and they should have no say.
My rights! And they will not be trampled on!
Who is the government to say that I can't bring vials of weaponized anthrax to a presidential speech?
Once I was patted down by security going into a Pixies concert. Now I don't listen to anything by that Black Francis tyrant.
Once I was patted down by the Secret Service. I told them to suck it because I felt differently.
In fact... who is the government to keep me from citizen arresting all people that I think are non-citizens, suspected non-citizens, or those that I hope or think should be non-citizens.
I reject the federal government and all of its providences over all the states. I reject the state government's providence over my city. I reject the city's providence over my house.
I am against the ADA, the Civil Rights Act, and I will refuse to give my driver's license, car insurance and registration the next time I go through a red light and am stopped by the supposed cops. After all, what the hell is a red light to tell ME when I can and can't go? That's called socialism. This is America, dammit.
I am against the federal government telling any oil company where and where they cannot drill. I'm against the government telling any company to clean up their mess when they make one.
Now, maybe you don't feel the same way that I do. But know that there are people like me. And rather than trying to work with the system to change anything I don't like, I'm going to get into a conflict with those just following the laws, and in my most self-aggrandizing stance, camcorder at hand, I will puff up my chin all Palin-style and say, quite simply, "Make me."
And if I'm ready to board a plane -- and the TSA has some suspicion about me -- and I refuse to cooperate -- then I will blame the TSA. If they want me to go through a backscatter machine and I refuse because some vague outline of my dong might be seen, then that is a matter of national importance because the world revolves around me.
If instead of the backscatter machine I accept the option to be patted down I will inform the TSA officer, "If you touch my dong I will have you arrested." The TSA officer will understand that I am not saying "pat me down, but not there... where I am hiding something there..."
And the Drudge-lovin' Rand Paulites, black helicopter worriers, the Free Mumians, the anti-vaccine crowd will cheer.
I mean, what is the TSA officer supposed to do at that point? Say, "Ohh. Well. In THAT case... Go right ahead, sir. Sorry that we almost did something that could have offended you even though other people aren't having a problem with it. Here, let me run your temples to melt away the stress."
Other people may have a problem with other aspects of the security procedures -- like that Rand Paulian over there with the Glock. He has a legitimate Constitutional argument as well.
So, to fix the dastardly evil TSA scum situation I propose one of the following solutions:
1. Make special cases for every single person in America.
We'll just look up in a big ol database what your particular thing is -- what can and can't be done --- according to you not law enforcement experts, but you --- and everyone who wants to travel on planes can wait seven hours to get on board while each person goes though their personally-tailored security procedure.
2. Get rid of all of the TSA.
Go home, TSA! Everyone. Someone doesn't want to see some vague outline of their dong seen.
No metal detectors, no backscatters. etc.
Just walk on the plane.
Some people will bring guns. That's cool.
Some people will bring box cutters. That's cool.
Some people will bring bombs. That's cool.
There probably won't be any -- or many -- problems because there will be right-wing gun nuts who bring guns onboard and they will shoot anyone they suspect of being a terrorist.
That way we won't spend any more on those jack-booted TSA thugs and all their politeness.
That way we won't spend any more on Air Marshals.
Just put the faith that the Rand Paulians will protect all of us.
Surely they will.
And at least no one will bother flights from Atlanta to Dallas.
But Portland to SF... uh oh. You can always drive.
#3 Choice.
You can have the TSA and a big, well-lit sign that says no guns or weapons.
You can make the passengers go through security to check for guns or weapons.
Unless they don't want to for whatever personal reason that they may have.
Or, you can drive.