Many people who know me, know me because of my political activism. What many of you do not know is that I am a survivor of two attempted rapes. I am talking about this because April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month.
In communities of color, thousands of women, men, and children are not as fortunate. Every two minutes, someone is sexually assaulted in this country so it is important that we remain vigilant and outspoken. To be honest with you, I could not believe how hard it was for me to write about this. However, after more than a decade, the hurt still lives with me as if it were yesterday.
The first attempted rape...
...occurred in high school. High school was supposed to be a safe haven, but it was not. I was a dorky kid, who could ace any test, but I was distracted with problems at home. My mom was sick, my grandmother died the year before, my home was in disarray, and my grades went south.
Let’s just say that life was rough for my family and I.
The attacker was an athlete and popular in high school. All the girls wanted be with him and all of the guys wanted to be him. Nevertheless, day after day, he would constantly corner me, say snide remarks, make sexual gestures, and he once groped me. I hated it, but I never told anyone because of what I thought my mother might think of me. Nor did I think that people would believe me because of the social “caste-system” that existed in my high school. He was part of the "in" crowd and I was not.
His constant harassment took a toll on my self-esteem.
I remember the moment it happened, the outfit I wore, and my feelings before, during, and after the attempted attack.
I was walking out of the girl’s locker room to my next class. All of a sudden, he grabbed me from behind with one hand and covered my mouth with his other hand. His accomplice opened a door and he dragged me into one of the smaller gym rooms. I had been ambushed. The attacker then carried me into a closet and his accomplice shut the door behind us. I was terrified. At that time, I weighed roughly one-hundred twenty pounds soaking wet and he was almost two-hundred pounds, so I thought that I was not going to get out of this. He pushed me into a corner. I knew that the only way out was to fight and scream as loud as I could. He bent me backwards over a huge dirty green bin with volleyballs in it. I remember the pain from the bin sticking my in my back. As he tried to take my clothes off, I kicked him, scratched him, and I did what I could to get him off me. I remember crying, praying to God to not let this happen to me. Fortunately, God answered my prayers. Out of nowhere, a male friend of mine appeared. My friend pulled me out of the room, and told me to leave. I do not know what was said between the two. All I do know is that I got out of dodge real quick.
After the attempt, I avoided the attacker and my school like the plague. I felt like I could not go back there and for a long time I did not.
I dropped out of school.
I did not have anyone to talk to or a shoulder to cry on. I thank God I survived. A few years later, when I was eight months pregnant with my daughter, I ran into my attacker at a supermarket. When I saw him, I was stunned. My body trembled uncontrollably. I thought that I was going to pee on myself. When the he approached me, he asked me who I was because he could not tell me apart from my twin. In my head, I swore at him. I told him I was my twin. He then pulled me close to him and whispered in my ear, “Tell your sister to holler at me.” He smiled, then laughed, and finally walked on. When he slithered away, I began to cry. I dropped everything in my pushcart, ran out of the supermarket, hailed a taxi, and cried all the way home. All of the feelings of shame, fear, and anxiety came rushing back. I will never forget it.
Like I said before, that was not my only experience with an attempted rape. When it happened again, all of the feelings I experienced the first time, came back two-fold, but I was determined to get out of the situation with what I could.
The second attempt happened with different attacker. I was walking home from the bus, on my way from night school. I remember inserting my key into the double-bolted apartment building door. The evening was perfectly normal. In fact, it was beautiful and serene, but something just did not feel right. When I turned the key and opened the door, I felt the attacker grab me from behind with one arm and I felt his gun at my side. The odor of weed on his clothes and the smell of alcohol on his breath linger in my head to this day. I immediately knew who it was. He was a drug dealer in my old neighborhood. The drug dealer had a reputation of being an abuser. Other girls in the neighborhood had stories to tell about him and I made it a point to stay away from him.
As soon as he grabbed me, he kicked open the door and he dragged me down into the basement next to the building’s boiler room. He told me to be quiet or else he would kill me and kill my family. I shook my head and started to cry. He began to fondle me and tell me that, “I wanted him,” “all the “bitches wanted him,” and that I was “playing him.” Then he asked, “How come I fronted on him?” I noticed the more he started talking, the angrier he became. I was afraid that he would really kill me. I remember blacking out for a second and then going into survivor mode. I kept saying to myself, “Think, think, think, and get the hell out of this!”
I knew that I was not stronger than he was but I was smarter than him. I had to use whatever intelligence God gave me to get me out of this.
I told him, “You know I am not like this, doing shit like this here. Let’s meet up at a hotel, tomorrow. My mom is probably worried about me and I don’t want to upset her.” I was saying anything just to get the hell out of there. His facial expression changed and he was like "Yeah! Yeah!" at the suggestion that we meet at a hotel. Meanwhile, I thought that this man was crazy. I knew that my family was getting ready to move to our new home and that I would not see his face ever again, so I fed him bullshit.
I told him, "Meet me tomorrow afternoon in front of my building and we can do whatever." His crazy ass was excited, but then he became serious and threatened me again. Finally, he let me go and I ran up the stairs as quickly as I could, only to walk inside to my mother screaming at me for coming home late.
That was the worst feeling ever.
In both situations, I did not have anyone to talk to and express my feelings. There are people who like me, who did not have access to the resources that are available today. You are probably wondering why I did not call the police. I do not have an answer for you. I am telling you this story, my story, to let victims know that they are not alone. Sexual assaults, rapes, and attempted rapes happen every day in our communities, in our homes, and in our schools.
I can only hope that my story is an inspiration and a comfort, in some way, to someone who needs to hear it. I want you to know that there is no shame in getting help. If you are a victim of sexual assault, use the resources available to you and get the help that you need. You are not alone. If you know someone who has experienced sexual abuse, be there for them.
God Bless.
Shanay
Chair, Young Democrats of America Minority Caucus
P.S. - Throughout the month of April, the YDA Minority Caucus and the YDA Women's Caucus will be providing statistics and resources for victims of sexual assault. Please follow us on twitter @ydaminority or @womensyda for more information.
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Resources
Male Survivor
http://www.malesurvivor.org/...
RAINN Online National Hotline
https://ohl.rainn.org/...
Women’s Health.gov State by State listing
http://www.womenshealth.gov/...
National Domestic Violence Hotline
(800) 799-SAFE (7233)
(800) 787-3224 (TTY)
National Sexual Assault Hotline
(800) 656-HOPE
National Sexual Assault Online Hotline (Volunteers)
http://www.rainn.org/...
Sexual Assault Resource Agency
http://www.sexualassaultresources.or...
24-Hour hotline
(434) 977-7273