From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Little Gay Billy's BIG Gay News-O-Rama!
Srsly.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Note: Why? Because I said so. And I'd say that pretty much settles whatever it is we're talking about. Now go to your room.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til spring: 25
Days `til the Zilker Park Kite Festival in Austin: 11
Updated number of planets in the Milky Way Galaxy: 50 billion
Estimated number of galaxies in the universe: 100 billion
(Source: Kepler telescope chief science dude William Borucki)
Percent of Americans who would rather have an autograph from, respectively, a U.S. president, a pro athlete, an actor or a rock star: 52%, 18%, 10%, 8%
(Source: Marist survey)
Percent return earned on the funds set up by the U.S. Treasury to take toxic assets out of the hands of financial firms: 27%
(Source: CNBC via The Week)
Estimated number of years by which the remnants of the Titanic will have been consumed by rust-eating bacteria: 20
(Source: Daily Mail)
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 175 (including 4 gogs and 1 path to illumination). Soul Protection Factor 8 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Loafdog loafs.
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CHEERS to the next domino in line. Memo to despotic windbag Moammar Gadaffy: "See ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya!" The same citizen-fueled revolt that toppled Tunisia and Egypt (and has some other Arab dictatorships sweating bullets, so to speak) is spreading to Libya, and rarely in my lifetime has the schadenfreude smelled sweeter. I hope that rat bastard ends up in a steel cage where citizens can rain shoes on his sorry ass. And, if it's not asking too much, I hope the cage also has room for the convicted Libyan Pan Am bomber whom the British released in exchange for---what else?---oil. But the usual disclaimer applies: Results of revolution will vary. No exchanges, no refunds. Past performance does not guarantee future results. Tax, title and destination charges extra. Must be willing to put up with deranged Glenn Beck rants about your country.
JEERS to predictable behavior. It's a plot line so trite that everyone knows it by heart: Villain tries to carry out grand evil scheme. Villain gets caught trying to carry out grand evil scheme. Villain takes hostages, threatens to terminate them if he isn’t allowed to escape with his booty. And we know how it usually ends: after his gun jams, villain frantically tries to escape, slips on his own spittle, goes crashing through window, lands on roof of his own limo, roll credits. Such a scenario is playing out in Wisconsin, where Governor Scott Walker's grand evil union-busting scheme has hit a brick wall. So…bring on the hostages:
Speaking to camera, Walker repeated his threat of layoffs to come, if 14 state Senate Democrats who skipped town to prevent a vote from taking place, don't return to Madison. … "Failure to act on this budget repair bill means at least 1,500 state workers will be laid off before the end of June," he said. "If there's no agreement by July 1, another 5-6,000 state workers as well as 5-6,000 local government employees would also be laid off."
Translation: "If you come back and destroy the unions voluntarily, I won’t have to do it myself." Somewhere in an undisclosed location, Dr. Evil is saying to Mini Me: "Okay, now that guy knows evil!" To be continued…
CHEERS to memorable moments in shutterbugging. On February 23, 1945, U.S. Marines on Iwo Jima captured Mount Suribachi, where they attached an American flag to a section of pipe and raised it like a middle finger to the Japanese troops hiding in the caves below them. The Pulitzer-winning photo taken by Joe Rosenthal actually shows the second flag-raising. Here's the first. This morning C&J raised the stars & stripes in honor of the 66th anniversary of the event. Tomorrow we'll go back to flying the universal symbol of distress: an upside down wallet.
CHEERS to another vote in the YES column. I'll say it again: I'm not a fan of the health insurance mandate because, without a public option, insurance companies will continue to suck. But it is what it is, and the Affordable Care Act will be an improvement. So I'm happy to hear that yet another federal judge has ruled the law constitutional. Now, here's your Happy Fun Contest for the day: Keep your eyes and ears open and let's see if this gets the same amount of MASSIVE WALL-TO-WALL COVERAGE that the teabagger judge in Florida got when he ruled against the law. Judging by the sudden drop in the unemployment rate among crickets this morning, I'd say it's not looking good.
P.S. Seriously. When the Florida judge ruled against the ACA, Maine's biggest paper ran the story on the front page above the fold. This morning: not a word about the D.C. judge's ruling. So it goes.
CHEERS to kickin' the tires one last time. Cracks in a fuel tank having been repaired, the Space Shuttle Discovery is on schedule for liftoff tomorrow afternoon---its final mission. It'll be commanded by Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords' husband, Mark Kelly. It'll also be carrying an artificially-intelligent "humanoid robot." Now off in a corner pouting for not getting invited: Watson.
CHEERS to Sir Inksalot. On this date in 1455, Johannes "Steve" Gutenberg printed the first book: the Bible. While proofing it, he noticed that the page numbers went 360, 361, 362, 364...and spent the next six days pounding his head on the table.
CHEERS to the new sheriff in town. Remember that little kerfuffle a while back when Rahm Emanuel was deemed ineligible to run for mayor of Chicago? My, how quickly things change. This morning, with 55 percent of the vote from yesterday's special election, he's the mayor-elect of Chicago. As soon as he heard the news, he released the other candidates from their headlock. His swearing-in will be on May 16. On his agenda between now and then: lots of swearing as usual.
CHEERS to our favorite candy turds. On this date in 1896, the Tootsie Roll---not quite fudge, not quite chocolate, but as addictive as both---was introduced by Leo Hirshfield. This would probably be a good time to present the latest data on how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop:
Purdue University licking machine: 364 licks
Purdue University students: 252 licks
University of Michigan human licking machine: 411 licks
Swarthmore Junior High students: 144 licks
I still make a point to eat a few Tootsie Rolls every day. They keep my ulcers plugged.
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Five years ago in C&J: February 23, 2006
JEERS to achieving a new level of chutzpah. Okay, let me get this straight: some Malaysian muckety-muck paid Jack Abramoff $1.2 million to get a little private face time with President Bush in hopes of influencing him. Nah, that would never happen. And in other news, President Bush surprises staff, announces new federal holiday: National Malaysia Palm Oil Day. Hmmm…..
CHEERS to Port au Preznit. Dang that Bush! You might not agree with him, but at least yuh know where he stands. In the words of Countdown's Keith Olbermann, he's standing "in the path of a buzzsaw" over the DubaiPortsWorldGate scandal. But C&J thinks it's just a good cop/bad cop act. Bush endears himself to Arabs in the Middle East, and Republicans running for re-election get to look tough on terror. But one thing we'll bet the yacht on: the UAE "folks" won't get as far as unpacking their suitcases here.
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And just one more…
JEERS to the silence of the Jolly One. Ever since I can remember---and that goes back [redacted] decades---there have been some constants in southern Maine: pristine beaches, French-Canadians flocking to Old Orchard Beach in the summer, and the voice of "Jolly John" Pulsifer blasting out of the radio and TV as he pitched his "new and used cahs," usually ending ads for his dealership with, "I'm not jolly unless you're haaaappy!!!" His 30-second spots were amateurishly zany, and depending on your mood they came off as either headache-inducing or head-shakingly endearing. Jolly John was ubiquitous---resistance to either loving him or hating him was futile. But now he's moved on:
With the same enthusiasm he had nearly 50 years ago while bounding up the stairs to meet my Mom on their first date, Jolly John Pulsifer boogied into heaven, shouted 'Hi Ho' to God, and with 'Leroy Brown' playing in the background, he took the hand of his loving wife Paulyne, and they began to jitterbug, continuing a love story that has been on hold since Mom's death a little over two years ago. It is no coincidence that Dad departed on Feb. 19, 2011, just in time to prepare for a huge President's Day sale in heaven!!
He was also generous to a fault, donating time and money to charities and community organizations at the drop of a hat. Here's Jolly John, one last time, in all his cheesy glory. The silence around these parts today is deafening.
Have a good Wednesday. Vive le collective bargaining! Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
Leaked Book SHOCKER: Bill in Portland Maine Is Terrible
---Wonkette
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