It is a melancholy object to those who travel through the United States, when they see the streets, the roads, the doorways crowded with the unemployed and homeless. These souls, instead of being able to work for their honest livelihood, are forced to employ all their time in strolling to beg for unemployment compensation or leave their dear native country to fight in Afghanistan or Iraq.
We think it is agreed by both political parties that the prodigious number of unemployed and homeless is, in the present recession battered United States, a very great additional grievance to our bottom line and, therefore, whoever can find a fair, cheap, and easy method of making these people paying members of society, would deserve so well of the plutocrats to be awarded the Congressional Medal of Freedom by the President. As to our part, having turned our thoughts upon this important subject many times while drawing substantial compensation from government bail outs and tax cuts, let us offer this modest proposal.
We have been assured by a very knowing acquaintance at Fox News, that a healthy, unemployed person is a most delicious, nourishing, and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked or broiled; and we make no doubt that it will equally serve in a fricassee or Texas barbecue. The number of people in this country being reckoned at approximately 300 million, of these We calculate there to be about 40 million who are unable to produce capital. For we can neither employ them in factories (which no longer exist) or agriculture (the land and water poisoned by Monsanto et al.) or in the building of houses ( alas, our housing sector has been decimated). We are assured by the Chamber of Commerce that the unemployed and homeless are no salable commodity and will not yield above 5 dollars on the exchange, which cannot turn to account to the country, the tremendous cost of keeping them in food and shelter. With this proposal, those 40 million shall on the contrary contribute to the feeding, and partly to the clothing, of many millions more.
The unemployed/homeless person will make four dishes at an entertainment for friends; and when the family dines alone, the fore or hindquarter will make a reasonable dish, and seasoned with a little pepper and salt will be very good boiled on the fourth day, especially in winter. We grant this food will be somewhat dear, and therefore very proper for the super rich, who having already destroyed the environment, seem to have the best title to these miserable creatures. Those who are more thrifty (as we must confess the times require) may flay the carcass; the skin of which artificially dressed will make admirable camouflage clothing for the sporting inclined.
We have already computed the charge of keeping these people alive and we believe no gentleman would repine to give 20 dollars for the carcass of a good fat welfare parasite, which, as we have said will make four dishes of excellent nutritive meat when he hath only some particular friend or his own family to dine with him.
Some persons of a desponding spirit are in great concern about that vast number of poor people, who are aged, physically disabled, or mentally ill, and we have been desired to employ our thoughts ( along with the those on the Cat Food Commission) what course may be taken to ease the nation of so grievous an encumbrance to our Judeo-Christian society. We are not in the least pain upon that matter, because it is very well known that they are every day dying and rotting by cold and famine, and denial of healthcare, as fast as can be reasonably expected. However, the death rate can be increased at least fivefold through suspension of heating grants (for those residing in more northerly climes) and extensive cuts in Social Security. Great numbers will no doubt succumb to multiple deprivations, thus relieving society of maintaining their worthless lives through costly social programs.
As to the young newly graduated from college, they are now in as hopeful a condition; they cannot get jobs, and consequently pine away for want of nourishment and redress from burdensome student loans, to a degree that if at any time they are accidentally hired to work, they have no strength to perform it; and thus the country and themselves are happily delivered from the evils to come.
We can think of no one objection, that will possibly be raised against this proposal, unless it should be urged, that the number of people will be thereby much lessened in the United States. This we freely own, and ’twas indeed one principal design in offering it to the world. This would be in the best interest of this great nation, as America should only be for those who can afford to live in the Hamptons. Therefore let no one talk to us of other possible expedients: of raising taxes on the wealthy, of regulating rapacious financial institutions, of increasing manufacturing in our land, securing Medicare for all, rebuilding our nation’s infrastructure, of being a little cautious not to sell our country and consciences for nothing, or of teaching our mortgage lenders to have at least one degree of mercy toward their clients. Lastly, of putting a spirit of honesty and accountability into our corporations, who, if a resolution could now be taken to buy only our native goods, would immediately unite to cheat and exact upon us in the price, the measure and the goodness, nor could ever yet be bought to make one fair proposal of just dealing, though often and earnestly invited to it.
Therefore we repeat, let no politician talk to me of these and the like expedients, till he/she hath the courage and tenacity to attempt to put them into practice. Besides, we really don't care.
Timeeh G. and Jamie D.