NEW YORK -- Donald Trump, ostensible Republican candidate for President, offered some insight to the findings from his investigative team on their recent stay in Hawaii.
"It has come to our attention that this President has fathered two black children over the past ten years," said Trump. "And further, we have learned that he has fathered these two children in wedlock."
Steve Derpington, chairman of the American Tea Party for Prosperousity, immediately condemned Obama's actions. "It's a well-established fact that he's a liberal fascist socialist muslim atheist from Kenya," said Derpington. "But what we didn't know is that in between his actions which are clearly designed to destroy our country and bowing to foreign leaders, he's running around fathering black children. We simply can't have that conduct from a President."
The announcement also drew immediate response from queen of the birthers Orly Taitz, the dentist/real estate agent/attorney who once competed for the World Wrestling Federation under the name "Goldust". Unfortunately, Taitz' incoherent English prevented us from transcribing her quote for this article.
"The President could clear this up if he'd only release the long form of the certificate of non-birth," said Trump. "But, if as I suspect, this is true, I'm sure he'll be hiding this from the American people for years to come."
When asked for a response, the White House refused to comment. However, when asked about the allegations toward the President this morning in a Washington, D.C. Starbucks, Vice President Joe Biden responded briefly.
"This just speaks to the desperation of the Republican Party," said Biden. It goes to show how morally bankrupt they are. And if there's someone who is well versed in bankruptcy of any form, it's Donald Trump."
When further pressed by the media, Biden dismissed the reporters. "Look, if you people are going to report on every ridiculous piece of bullshit that people like Donald Trump throws out there as if it's fact, I only have one thing to say to you," said Biden, as he grabbed his crotch. "Tell Trump, and all those other idiots, that they can blow me, okay?"
-Derp-