Or more precisely, she is starting week 3. After a 3 year battle with multiple myeloma, she is ready for hospice care.
I saw her again today, as I do every Saturday and Sunday, as I have done like clockwork for the last 3 years. But today was the first day it was very obvious the cancer has entered her brain, based on the nonsensical things she was saying.
It's been a difficult 3 years. It started with a late diagnosis and me losing my job, to rehab, to back at home and living with help, to now this. There were many times I have worried where/how my mother would live, would she need services that would make her miserable, or drive her into bankruptcy.
I tried packing some things I left at her house when I moved out 2 years ago from her recovery. I couldn't. It's just amazing how the brain/body connection works. I just wanted to pack a few books. But I had to lay down instead.
My sister remarked a few days ago that I should really say what I wanted to say to my mother before she loses her mind. I thought about it for a good long while, but I think in the end, I really wish my mother had said something to me. And my sister.
My mother has suffered all her life with undiagnosed psychological problems. Perhaps even mental illness. We'll never know now because the cancer has taken its course. She never expressed how she felt about anything. One of these traits was extreme avoidance behavior to anything difficult. She could never face up - to almost anything. My mother spent 30 years in front of the television. Mostly, I think this is because she wouldn't face up to the fact my father was an alcoholic. The situation for everyone was very damaging. The years took their toll with no mitigation to this situation.
She also forbade my grandmother to see me. I never met her. Not once. I never knew why. I can't understand why someone can be like that. She tried to do the same between myself and my sister at one point, my sister being 10 years older than me. This was supposed to be over a paltry some of money my grandmother left to me and my sister directly, which just makes it even more sour. That didn't work out the way she wanted. My sister and I are very close to this day.
And yet I do love my mother, despite all that happened, and all that didn't and should have. I have advocated for her, watched over her, shared my little life with her, and made sure she was treated with dignity. I am glad I don't have to worry anymore about where she might need to live, and I know she is now in a pain free environment, even if she may not understand where she is or who she is or who I am in short order.
I wish I could have heard her say 'I could have done this better', because I am pretty sure I could say - I am sure that WE could say 'I forgive you and I still love you.' But I am not sure her state of mind was ever in that place.
It's so plain how life often doesn't work out the way we want it to. But we have to forgive ourselves, we have to forgive others. It's the only way we grow as human beings. Please forgive somebody today for something. And also think about forgiving yourself.