I live in Austin, Texas, it is Sunday and I am here to bear my testimony of my belief in the Texas Governor. So I walk to the front of the chapel and address the congregation.
I testify that Governor Rick Perry is very very bad. Very bad. Take the pro-theocratic, anti-constitutionalist fundy faith of the Wasilla Gorilla, and the anti-labor, anti-regulatory pro-corporate fellatrix that is the Wisconsin Governor, and then mix in the voter suppression skills of the modern ref*cklican party, dribble on a little fetus-protecting, post delivery executing (innocent or guilty who gives a sh*t, they're in the system so let's give 'em the needle anyway before the review board that I fired can be reformulated), top it of with a laser sighted pistol and the well developed ability to lie, pray, & hate all at the same time and there, my non-Texan friends, is Rick Perry.
I testify that if you are a lobbyist and carry a gun, you can bypass the metal detectors in the Capitol Building, but if you are a father waiting for your son to come out of the same building, you will be harassed and have your picture taken by the DPS if you wait outside of the metal detector line because you are unwilling to have your person body scanned. Then you will be hounded out of the building and be put on the list. This gives me faith that Rick Perry is a man of the people, that is if corporations are people.
I testify that hypocrisy rules by law and press. Can you imagine if somebody managed to burn down the White House on Obama's watch? Think of the pounding he would take in the press. Then add to that a $10,000 a month rental for the first family, but instead have the press KISS your ASS everyday instead of calling you out on security and fiscal mismanagement? Ah, but Perry is white and has nice hair. Obama is black and nappy. What I haven't figured out yet is why Perry would want to be POTUS when it assuredly will quicken his gray hairs showing up.
I testify that Rick Perry hates old people and the disabled in nursing homes, and I know this because the Commissioner of the Texas Department of Aging and Disability Services said so:
"I am unaware of any business model that runs on a relatively small margin that could accept a 37 percent reduction in one year and continue to operate."
- Chris Traylor (San Antonio Express-News) Tuesday March 8th
I testify that Perry was all nicey-nice to the IAFF firefighters when the Gov's mansion was on fire, but refused to promote, support or sign an update to a pension bill for those same firefighters. A bill that had passed on consent for the last 50 years. It passed into law because he didn't veto it, but no balls Perry wouldn't be a mensch and sign it, because it might look like he supported labor unions and government workers. We (Gopers and Jesus) can't have that, now can we?
I testify that Rick Perry has found success by hating all the right people, like gays, poor people, journalists, Arabs (but not he rich ones), human and civil rights activists, public school children, government employees, and anyone who doesn't give you campaign money. How about cutting off 100,000's of kids off of insurance, increasing classroom size and firing 1000's of teachers, argue in favor of more pollution, less environmental protection, more job outsourcing, less press access. more religion in government, and less science in school? We don't just teach intellegent design in Texas, we teach Creationsim. In America today, that is the road to success.
There, in short, THE PERFECT REPUBLICAN CANDIDATE FOR PRESIDENT.
I testify that when he wins the nomination, people who carry GOD HATES FAGS signs and billionaires will be tripping over each other to ghost finance his campaign.
Not an appealing candidate, you say? He out Santa Anna'ed Santa Anna himself, and these red blooded patriotic-secessionist Texans elected him THREE TIMES! When Rayguns and the Bush-babies were in the White House, Fox not news was patriotic and so was everyone in Texas that had a Support the President bumper sticker on their car. I bet those stickers are still on their cars and waiting to be exposed again when they feel safe enough to take off the IMPEACH OBAMA stickers.
Unless this state quickly turns from a deep blood red to a heavenly sky blue, this is the EXACT reason I will not stay in Texas when I retire and certainly hope not to be buried here.
Stephen Harrigan's A Natural State (UT Press) is the Texas that I wanted to love, the beautiful, untamed, luxurious, state of god's best palate.
I reluctantly testify that it was the Devil that made Texas.
Thank you, Ed Miller.
I confess that I am a Mormon and a Liberal, a person that hopes that these two things are not ultimately contradictory.
I pray that in November of 2012, I can quote Governor Perry himself and say to him in person next time I see him at his favorite burger joint, Dirty Martin's Kum-Back Place, "Adios, MoFo."
I testify that America can be cured, my father never voted for a Republican again after Watergate, so there is hope. Yes, the hopey changey thing is alive and well. I testify to you that God is not a Republican.
I say these things in the name of saving America as a place worthy of living in, worthy of being a country that I would want my son to inherit. I pray that it still will be worthy of being the place that the Statue of Liberty was meant to represent, worthy of still being the place that my great grandfather hoped it would be when he left Slimminge, Sweden at the age of 9 in 1857. I pray that every day you and I can bring to pass the vision of Ameica The Beautiful that gave Ray Charles his insight, and gives my family the hope that Gods loves all, even Rick Perry, have mercy on his soul.
Amen