From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Late night snark? Sure, why not.
"How about that Rick Santorum? He came in second because he is the anti-Romney. Wait a minute---I thought Mitt Romney was the anti-Romney."
---David Letterman
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"Everything about Romney tells the tale of a man who just fired your dad."
---John Oliver, on The Daily Show
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"Rick Santorum’s campaign is celebrating the Iowa caucuses with a pizza party. Here's the embarrassing part: It was delivered by Herman Cain."
---Jay Leno
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[Clip of Michele Bachmann bowing-out speech in Iowa]: Yesterday when we were out on Main Street in Des Moines, [my husband] was out buying doggie sunglasses for our dog Boomer while we were out visiting the many businesses.
Jon Stewart: To be fair, nothing salves the wound of a sixth-place finish like a dog wearing sunglasses.
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Clip of Jon Huntsman interview: They pick corn in Iowa. They actually pick presidents here in New Hampshire.
Stephen Colbert: Yes! New Hampshire picks presidents! Just ask Presidents Buchanan, Tsongas and Kefauver.
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"It is being reported that school children in North Korea were taught that Kim Jong Il did not ever use the bathroom. So today, most school children in North Korea assumed that their fearless leader exploded."
---Conan O'Brien
And one year ago…
"Republicans took control of the House for the first time in four years. They say they’re going to stick to a strict interpretation of the Constitution. I hope you didn’t like voting, women and non-whites."
---Jimmy Kimmel
Don’t forget that Netroots Nation is now soliciting ideas for the panels and programs to be featured at the 2012 convention (Providence, June 7-10). Click here for details and submit yours. Otherwise it'll just be me and my booby tassles a' twirlin' in a four-day stripper marathon. You've been warned.
C'mon down 'n splash. I'm giving away pickle buckets full of leftover holiday myrrh. Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, January 6, 2012
Note: Tomorrow is National Fruitcake Toss Day. For your safety, please wear protective headgear. And stand clear of the giant slingshot.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the Wisconsin governor recall petitions are submitted: 11
Days `til the National Pie Day: 17
Percent of independent voters who believe the Republican party is less honest and ethical than the Democratic party: 42%
Percent who believe Democrats are less honest/ethical: 21%
(Source: Pew Research Center)
Number of votes Herman Cain got in the Iowa caucus: 58
Number of new followers Barack Obama gained on Twitter last year, placing him #9 on the most-more-followed-than-anyone-else list: 4.26 million
Number of the remaining 9 on the list who are pop singers: 8
(Source: People)
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Keeping us safe from alligators in the sewers…
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CHEERS to…maybe the start of something big? I stopped holding my breath for anything a long time ago (my dead Grandma was getting irked with all the "come into the light, Billy" false alarms), so I'll just say this about the employment numbers for December: more like this, please:
U.S. employment grew solidly last month, capping a strengthening trend in the nation’s job market in the second half of 2011. The economy’s payrolls increased by 200,000 in December…[surpassing] economists’ expectations and mark[ing] a six-month stretch in which the economy generated 100,000 jobs or more in each month. The nation’s jobless rate slipped to 8.5 percent, its lowest level since February 2009.
Among the winning sectors: transportation, warehousing and retail. Among the losers: Any politician with an (R) after their name.
CHEERS to grounding the hawks. There was one sight I couldn't miss yesterday after I heard that President Obama was resizing our military to adapt it to modern times: the reaction of the roundtable neocons on The Fox Report with Bret Baier. It was as if the gods had parted the heavens and brung me a gift in the form of a seismic Charles Krauthammer/Bill Kristol meltdown. It was beautiful. First they fussed. Then they fumed. Then they hissed. Then they dissed. Then they pranced (I admit, I did not expect that). Then they balled up their fists, stomped their feet and threw their creamed corn at the camera. And finally, the moment I'd waited decades for: their heads literally popped off their bodies. It's a new world---not necessarily safer, but different---and these two Grand Moff Tarkin wannabes no longer have a place in it. On the bright side, we hear Mars is ripe for the pickin, boys. Fuel up the TIE fighters!
CHEERS to the Land of Enchantment. Happy 100th birthday to our 47th state: New Mexico! Capital: Santa Fe. Square mileage: 121,593. Home state of John Madden, Demi Moore, Neil Patrick Harris, Bobby Unser and---amazingly enough---beloved Kossack Land of Enchantment. The state's official insect, by the way, is the tarantula hawk wasp, which apparently flew through the gates of hell to get here:
When a female is ready to lay her eggs, she seeks out a tarantula and injects it with paralyzing venom. She drags the tarantula to a burrow and stuffs it down the hole, then lays her eggs on top of the paralyzed spider. Several days later the eggs hatch and the larvae feed on the still living tarantula.
Or as we call that in the rest of the country: being a Bank of America customer.
JEERS to today's boring correction. Yesterday, while doing our daily "hehs" in our schadenfreude chamber, we noted that an ex-staffer of Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker was arrested on embezzlement charges. We have since learned that the actual number of Walker ex-staffers arrested on embezzlement charges is two. C&J regrets the error and will atone by spending an extra two minutes during this evening's meditation session chanting "Squee!"
CHEERS to humble beginnings. On tomorrow's date in 1790, President Washington delivered the first, and deliberately bland, State of the Union address (here's ye olde transcript). Today he'd shock the teabaggers out of their knee socks:
"Uniformity in the currency, weights, and measures of the United States is an object of great importance, and will, I am persuaded, be duly attended to."
That's right---the father of our country wanted to take your currency, weights and measures and redistribute their uniformity to everyone else. Long-haired socialist hippie. Take a bath!
P.S. How sweet---today is George and Martha Washington's 253rd anniversary. As usual, they spent a quiet day at home. By the way, if you and your better half ever make it that far, the traditional gift for #253 is a blimp.
CHEERS to rude interruptions. At a New Hampshire rally for Mitt Romney, John McCain said, "I am confident, with the leadership and the backing of the American people, President Obama will turn this country around…" Romney, in his first major test of crisis management, immediately shit his custom-tailored slacks, put the old man in a headlock and gagged him with an argyle sock. In the interest of fairness, C&J now publishes the senator's intended statement:
"I am confident, with the leadership and the backing of the American people, President Obama will turn this country around…and we must prevent that from happening at all costs!"
If Romney was a real Republican, he would've known that instinctively. Point: Santorum.
CHEERS to home vegetation. Hot damn---the first full couch potato weekend of the new year! Your teevee might welcome some or all of these suggestions: New DVD releases this week include Moneyball, season 1 of HBO's Boardwalk Empire (my offer to have your baby still stands, Mr. Buscemi) and the Stratham/DeNiro actioner The Killer Elite. The NFL post-season schedule is here. The GOP candidates will yackety yak yak yak in debates tomorrow night at 9 on ABC and Sunday morning at 9 (shoot me now) on NBC. Charles Barkley hosts SNL. On 60 Minutes: truffles! And here's your weekend talking-head lineup; see of you detect a theme:
Up! With Chris Hayes (Sat. @7 / Sun.@8): New Hampshire!!! Guests include Thomas Frank, whose new book is called Pity the Billionaire.
Meet the Press: Having weeded out the black guy and the little lady, the virile white menfolk Republican candidates gather for a debate in Concord, New Hampshire hosted by David Gregory. Newt Gingrich arrives early so he can get his battle axe through security in time for the opening buzzer.
This Week: George Stephanopoulos returns as the permanent host after Christiana Amanpour gets the urge to become a radish farmer (or so we hear). Guests: Fox News host Mike Huckabee; David Axelrod; roundtable with Jonathan Karl, George Will, Mary Matalin, Jake Tapper, Donna Brazille and Matthew Dowd.
Face the Nation: Looks like it's Bob Schieffer's week to babysit John McCain while Cindy goes shopping. Plus: SecDef Leon Panetta and Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff General Martin Dempsey talk about retooling the military to be leaner and meaner. Plus New Hampshire!!!
Washington Week: New Hampshire primary mania (!!!) with Dan Balz of The Washington Post, Julianna Goldman of Bloomberg News, John Dickerson of Slate and John Harwood of The New York Times.
CNN's State of the Union: New Hampshire!!! Jon Huntsman; former Gov. and Romney supporter John Sununu; former congressman and Gingrich advisor Bob Walker; plus Nancy Pelosi on taking back control of Congress.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: The RNC chair whose name keeps breaking my spellchecker; DNC chair Debbie Wasserman-Schultz; Rep. Ron Paul, the American presidential candidate with the campaign slogan, "Ein bratwurst in every pot und ein alpine horn in every garage." And please note that there will be no neocons on the roundtable this week, as they are still in a catatonic state after Obama announced that his military restructuring didn’t include any invasion plans. Oh, and also New hampshire!!!
Happy viewing!
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Five years ago in C&J: January 6, 2007
CHEERS to famous firsts. Former Boston Globe columnist Tom Oliphant, speaking to Al Franken, summed up the emotional swearing in of Nancy Pelosi this way: "For an old anarchist like me, I love seeing another barrier fall." C&J welcomes the first woman Speaker, the first Muslim Congressman (Keith Ellison), the first openly-gay chairman of the House Financial Services Committee, and the first Congressman (John Hall of NY) to appear nude on an album cover. Liberals are cool. [1/6/12 Update: Four years later, House Republicans would swear in the first orange Speaker. Progress!]
JEERS to one nation under an apparent enemy combatant. Pat Robertson has been speaking to the Almighty again and God says the U.S. is going to be attacked by terrorists in 2007, with potentially millions of casualties. So God knows who will do it. And how. And when. And where. But we'll just have to find out all that when it happens. "In God We Trust?" Not anymore, pal. [1/6/12 Update: No terrorist attack happened in 2007…or 08 or 09 or 10 or 11. So either God lied like a rug or Robertson lied like a dead skunk in the road. Tell me again why atheism is on the rise…]
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And just one more…
CHEERS to one helluva roadmap. 70 years ago, on January 6, 1941, Franklin Roosevelt gave his famous "Four Freedoms" State of the Union speech. While the oft-cited quartet---of speech, of religion, from want and from fear---is timeless, so too is this part of FDR's address, which basically is the progressive playbook. Here's what that far-left fringe hippie bleated:
"The basic things expected by our people of their political and economic systems are simple. They are:
Equality of opportunity for youth and for others.
Jobs for those who can work.
Security for those who need it.
The ending of special privilege for the few.
The preservation of civil liberties for all.
The enjoyment of the fruits of scientific progress in a wider and constantly rising standard of living.
These are the simple, the basic things that must never be lost sight of in the turmoil and unbelievable complexity of our modern world. The inner and abiding strength of our economic and political systems is dependent upon the degree to which they fulfill these expectations.
Many subjects connected with our social economy call for immediate improvement. As examples: We should bring more citizens under the coverage of old-age pensions and unemployment insurance. We should widen the opportunities for adequate medical care. We should plan a better system by which persons deserving or needing gainful employment may obtain it."
We hear Eleanor loved it so much she gave her husband the first presidential fist-bump on record. (Sorry, Michelle.)
Have a great weekend. Hey, it's Earl Scruggs' 88th birthday, and you know what that means: Foggy Mountain Breakdown! Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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