Who knew semen was so scary?
When my wife's grandparents passed away, she came into possession of their home health book, "The Practical Guide to Health," by Frederick M. Rossiter, M.D., copyright 1908. Dr. Rossiter was a piece of work.
You knew the book was going to be fun when it starts out comparing the human body to Solomon's temple ("from Adam to the present day there has been a continuous succession of human temples") noting that the body had been around for 6000 years (nice, round number), and expounding on divine healing before getting down to the cutting edge medicine of the day.
1908 is not new age, but you probably don't think of it as the dark ages either. Uh, think again. A few excerpts:
Abnormal seminal emissions, which take place with or without any pleasurable sensation, with the absence of dreams, or in fact, with the failure to be awakened by the discharge, indicate a condition that may become serious." Such losses are attended by marked exhaustion, headache over the eyes, dizziness, palpitation of the heart, weakness in the knees, and feeling of oppression in the chest.
Oh, my God! The horror! The horror! But, there is hope:
For frequent nocturnal seminal losses the following suggestions are offered: Avoid the cause if known, such as impure thoughts, obscene books, self-abuse, quack literature (mm-hmm), and any sexual excitement.
Now, wait a minute. Talk about a case of the cure being worse than the disease...
Exercise. Prolonged mental effort and overstudy have a tendency to increase the frequency of emissions. Several hours of study before bedtime congests the brain and excites the nerve centers; thus, the centers in the brain and spinal cord controlling the sexual organs are excited and irritated.
Make up your mind, are they excited or irritated? And I wouldn't try this on your professor as an excuse for not studying.
A plunge into a bath tub of cold water every morning, followed by vigorous friction, or a cold towel rub every morning on rising, with friction.
Well, yeah, that should work. But wait! I thought friction was part of the problem.
A man who is accustomed to handling his genital organs frequently during the day, is quite likely to do so while asleep, and by the irritation to produce an erection and an emission. In such cases it is well to tie the hands so they can not touch the genitals, or else wear gloves or mittens with brads in them, which will awaken the sleeper if he attempts to rub the genitals.
Okay, this explains pro baseball players, but is grabbing their crotch causing their nocturnals, or is it the damn brads in the mittens that are causing them to grab their crotch? And tying your hands at night? I can see it now. The pitcher's voluptuous wife sees the rope and says, "Oh, so we're gonna get a little kinky tonight, eh?" "Uh, no, I'm just working on my wet dreams."
Electricity is found to be a very helpful measure in the treatment of seminal emissions. The faradic current is applied by first passing a steel sound into the urethra, while one pole of the battery is applied to the end of this, and the other pole is applied to the abdomen, groin, inner surface of the thighs, the spine, and to the perineum. This should be given 8 or 10 minutes three times a week. The treatment must be continued for six to eight weeks to be of much benefit.
I don't know what the hell a "sound" is, but nobody is ramming one up my ying-yang. Jesus, this guy was born a hundred years before his time. That electrical treatment would have given Rumsfeld wet dreams and Doc Rossiter would have been put in charge of Guantanamo. Doc Rossiter has a lot in common with Nurse Ratched.
And then there's Spermatorrhea, or accidental ejaculation. Are you kidding me? "Oops, sorry about that. Let me get you another Margarita." But hey, in 1908, this was a really big deal, and it had causes:
Excessive sexual indulgence, masturbation, onanism, continued sexual excitement from any cause, reflex irritation from worms, hemorrhoids, retention of sebum under the foreskin, gonorrhea, and chronic prostatitis. Treatment - same as for seminal emissions.
Pardon my impertinence, Doc, but masturbation ain't accidental. And try telling your partner your premature ejaculation is the worm's fault.
And then, there's...
Impotency: It is the price a man pays for his excesses. It is nature’s way of saving a man from ruin. Any special sense, if used excessively and overstimulated, becomes depressed, and finally paralyzed. Causes: Sexual excesses, disease of the testicles, drugs, Bright’s disease, diabetes, onanism, mental excitement (especially in this latter case in sexual neurasthenics, masturbation, and shame.
Huh. And they told me to "use it or lose it." There's masturbation again. Is this guy hung up or what? And I think he's got his cause and effect mixed up. Which came first, the impotence or the shame? The shame is, they didn't have Viagra.
Santorum is slowly, but surely working his way back to 1908. If by some accidental ejaculation of fate he becomes president, I suspect that after he's extinguished the heinous crime of contraception, he'll go after masturbation. He'll have to. I mean, after ten kids, masturbation will become the new contraceptive.