Drove into west wing while looking for car elevator. Sorry!
Butler not wearing white gloves. Keeps telling me he's my chief of staff. Note to Ann - fire butler.
Converting basketball court to polo field. Where are the stables?
@RonPaul Did you call me and hang up last night? I know that was you.
#MasturbationIsMurder act, signed into law. Gripped pen too hard, splattered ink everywhere. #embarrassing.
Told butler to polish silver. Instead he developed policy agenda. Have to fire that butler.
Repealed #Obamacare, replaced with #Romneycare. Didn't even have to sign anything!
To cut spending, outsourcing Whitehouse switchboard to India.
Naming rights sold. Whitehouse now "Walt Disney's Magical Palace." Will save middle class taxpayers 500 Mickey Mouse funbucks annually.
Discovered strange thing in Walt Disney's Magical Palace basement. 10 white figures and large black ball. Muslim thing? http://bit.ly/...
Sec of Def planning trip to meet with #Prussian consulate.
Guy trimming rosebush looks Mexican. #dontwanttoknow
Made cabinet race from oval office to situation room. Lost $10k (thought Gingrich could run faster)
Met with constituent. Drank fermented beverage, traded amusing anecdotes about labor.
Butler keeps giving me advice. Just serve the damn soup!
Opening #socialsecurity to foreign markets.
Found VP @TimPawlenty at desk in oval office, sobbing. Truly an emotional room.
@NYTimes Stop calling. Will answer questions at shareholders meeting.
To stimulate economy, must make consequences of poverty more dire. Alligators in homeless shelters.
Unemployment still bad. Lowering tax rate on rich to 10%.
About last tweet - cutting health care for crippled war veterans to pay for tax cut.
@RonPaul We have video of you ringing Whitehouse doorbell and running. Did you think Secret Service wouldn't notice?
Also cutting Department of Interior. Butler will decorate.
Butler says he won't decorate. Why haven't I fired him?
@DickCheney Ha! Very true.
Outsourcing US Mint to moo.com http://bit.ly/...
To streamline our country, we may need to shut down some states. #RI, #VT, #OR, and maybe #NV.
@JoeArpaio Yes, and maybe #HI too. Forgot about them.
@ExxonMobile We are deeply saddened by the loss of your subsidiary. The entire Romney family offers its condolences.
Disappointed by SCOTUS ruling on #Prop8. For 3,000 years marriage has been between one man and one woman.
@RachelMaddow Leave my great-grandfather out of this.
Butler keeps handing me stacks of papers, when really what I want is herring in wine sauce.
Assembled cabinet for marathon brainstorming session on how to stimulate #economy. Had eureka moment. Lowering tax rate on rich to 5%.
To improve efficiency in our laws, deregulating crime.
Great news. This year's #SOTU will be sponsored by @StateFarm. The theme: Protecting America's assets.
As said before, #AZ immigration policy model for nation. If you see someone who looks illegal, call immigration hotline.
Outsourcing immigration hotline to India.
America is great because of #freedom. And #Freedom = jobs. Which is why so many Americans are now working extra jobs. It's extra #freedom.
Changing name of "Department of Defense" to "Department of Offense." Better.
Signed new bill. People may now use #foodstamps to buy handguns.
#Economy still not recovering :(. Sending rebate checks to billionaires. Maybe they'll hire more butlers.
Still have to fire my butler.
Tackled unruly visitor in Walt Disney's Magical Palace. Cut his hair off. REALLY sorry @DonaldTrump. Didn't recognize you.
Deeply inspired by corporate suffrage movement. Ronald McDonald is truly a modern day Rosa Parks.
@NewtGingrich Ha! Yes, that does give new meaning to "freedom fries"
Just noticed 3.2 trillion deficit shortfall. Suspect the butler.
Starting today, I am putting my policy agenda in a blind trust, so I can't be blamed for its failures.
Celebrating #ThankThePoor day. You pick our crops, you wash our cars. A champaign toast from the balcony! We salute you!
Preparing for reelection campaign. Asking NASA to calculate my future position on abortion.
Outsourcing NASA to India.
Running the country like a business means I get a golden parachute if I resign, right?