Or just complete strangers on the Internet?
Trigger warning for victims of sexual assault, rape and/or gun violence.
I am not generally an angry person. Nor am I an emotional one. Something happened during the events unfolding after the shooting in Aurora, Colorado, though, that resonated so deeply it's left me shaken to my foundation.
I prefer not to engage with far-right ideologues that clearly can not be reasoned with, and trolls are far less reasonable, so what's the point? But over the weekend, with no way to process my anger and frustration, I found myself lashing out at anyone who crossed my path. I engaged with "pro-gun for self-defense" according to MEN. But, I'd also heard that same day about a situation that disturbed me greatly. A 17 year old in Kentucky, Savannah Dietrich, may be facing jail time for naming her attackers after a plea deal had been reached without her involvement. She felt the deal, which she heard about secondhand, was far too lenient, so she went to Twitter and named her attackers. No woman should ever go to jail for dealing with what happened to HER in the best way she knew how when circumstances were out of her control. I would never tell her the right thing to do in her position or what was best for her, but neither should the courts. Any judge that would ban her from expressing her anger, rage and frustration must understand that irrevocable damage could result for Savannah's lifetime if she is muzzled. The judge has yet to accept the plea deal's conditions or sentence Savannah for violating the gag order.
Savannah's story just added fuel to the fire of my anger and frustration. And it wasn't hard to find people online to direct it at.
I was told that "a bullet might save your life, someday. Then again, one might not." Then, "You probably won't be raped. Just killed." Telling me I'll likely be raped or killed because I refuse to own a gun is a very, very big mistake. It made me perhaps a little more emotional than I should have been.
Saturday afternoon a Facebook "friend," Wayne, posted a comment I could not ignore. The previous day he had posted, "I support gun control. Use both hands" and Saturday's post read, "On Friday, some people thought I was a jerk because of my comment." He went on to call certain prominent Democratic leaders "attention whores." But because Wayne is a conservative radio talk show host who posts endless incendiary comments on his page, then sits back and watches the partisan fur fly, I could hardly give this comment a pass.
"Yup. You're no attention whore, Wayne. Not at all. Fuck you and your guns. You and your moronic comrades are more than 4 times likely to be killed by one of those bullets you've just GOT to have. But for God's sake, whip it out when you're scared. It's your cock, ego and intellect melded into a fine killing machine." Not my proudest moment, but there you have it. Did I mention I was feeling a little more anger and frustration than usual?
The first response, from a conservative named David (actually all the follow-up comments were from conservatives), suggested I needed to get laid. That kind of crap went on for a while. Typical. No big deal. They then went on to make ridiculous assumptions about me. But wait. It gets better.
A new conservative "gentleman" joins the discussion, Kenny, and trust me, these commas, periods, hyphens, misspelled words and misplaced capital letters are just as awful for me to type as they are for you to read:
"have pitty on Jill...all she has is EMOTION...yes its the EMOTION of a Middle scholler...but...she is a MoooooooooooooooooooooonBat!!!...she lives in "fisher price" land..."
David: "Ooh. I like it. Angry rough sex is the BEST!!!"
Our host, Wayne: "LOL! This is funny!"
New girl, Cat: "perhaps when they knock your door down to haul you away; you might understand what liberty is-----however the US has started something and now many know that if they want freedom it is more than talk."
Now, there's a lot wrong with that line of thinking. First, IF they come knocking down my door, they will have more bodies, guns and ammo than little ole me inside my house. I don't stand a chance of shooting my way to "freedom." Second, if I'm not stockpiling guns and ammo why are they going to bust down my door?
Now David is starting a call for me to show my ta-tas. Nice.
Cat went on about how she recruited others to fight with her so she won’t be hauled away. Kenny quoted something from Lenin. Suffice to say it ended with "MooooooooooooooooooooonBat!!!" (Seriously, what the fuck is a MoonBat?)
Then Kenny chimed in again: "...I dont find it sporting..to play with the feeble...so...enjoy your day...and if I see you getting violently assaulted...i'll be sure to keep "it" concealed...and Mind my own Business...Im sure you have a sign...on your lawn..telling everyone about your position on Guns...i'd let everyone know...i had a Gun!!!!...and if I was your neighbor..i'd let everyone know..you don't!!!!.....and if it ever happens to you...just sit there and take it...cause you know...rape..is just another word...for Love!!!...Thanks for sharing your Middle School Feelings...... MooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooonBat!!!!"
This is where I completely lost it. Twice in less than 24 hours I'd been told by gun nuts that if I don't advocate guns, I'm not only probably going to get raped or killed, but maybe I deserve it and they won't lift a finger to help. This "You're gonna get raped if you don't get a gun!" is a sick way to think. Why are they being led to that conclusion so quickly when I certainly wasn't leading them there? If it happened to me twice in such a short span of time, how many other women are hearing this during this debate at home, work, out with friends, etc.? In that split-second I made a decision to share something only a handful of people know about me that I thought (naively) might actually make people think. The kicker to my story is something I’ve never shared with anyone. Ever.
I wrote:
"You can't scare me with rape. Already lived through it and didn't have to kill anyone, although I will tell you there was a gun in the night stand and I could have but chose not to. (NOT my house, NOT my gun, but I knew it was there.) You think I would have been better off having shot a dude on top of me? Play out the 2 scenarios in your tiny fucking brain and try to imagine what would have been worse after all was said and done. Your lame comments about guns, neighbors and signs are not original or clever. The facts and statistics prove I am safer without a gun in my home."
To say things went downhill from there would be an egregious understatement.
New conservative girl, Connie, joins in: "A woman about to be raped and chooses not to use a gun to at least scare the rapist and thinks she did a noble thing by getting raped. That's some crazy bullshit. Does that whack-ass thinking come from the progressive playbook?"
Kenny: "Connie...I don't think it was Rape!...I think it may be what...Woopie said...you know "wasnt rape rape" wink wink...you know...may have started out as rape...but being a commie Hag....i mean!!!...smoke'm if can..I bet "it" didn't even file a police report...(first cause we all know...it never happened..i mean if you're to lazy..to reach into the nite stand)....plus...its great on the "resume"...a "victim"..you know...like...Liz "Dances With Lies" Warren...that Skuaw is running for Senate in Mass.....you know....shes a "woman of color"..so says Liz and Harvard..."
David: "So does this mean you won't be posting any pics of the ta tas?" Connie "likes" this.
I expressed my disgust for their judgment on my choices. I expressed disgust for Whoopi Goldberg's despicable words in defense of Roman Polanski being used against me. I called them sick fucks and told them they live in gutters. I've used better word choices, I swear. But this is what you get when you hit me below the belt, apparently.
Connie told me I was the sick fuck for posting details of my rape as if it was a "badge of honor because you didn't use a gun to protect yourself." I made clear to her that I provided NO details of the rape. None. They were coming up with all the details in their disgusting heads.
She made so many assumptions I don't even know where to begin. A woman is rarely so aware of the fact that she is "about to be raped," as Connie put it, that she could deftly avoid it. She did not know where I was, who he was, how quickly the situation became violent, how old I was, if I had any experience with guns, or a million other factors, frankly. Here are the things that went through my mind at that time, at least what I recall:
"I've never held a gun. How do I even know what to do with it?"
"What if it goes off accidentally and I shoot myself?"
"What if he wrestles it away from me and shoots me?"
"Is it in the top or bottom drawer? What if my attempting to reach it angers him and makes this situation more violent than it already is?"
"If I'm forced to shoot him because he won't stop, I'll have a really heavy, bleeding dead guy on top of me. That might be a lot worse than just getting through this."
Nowhere in there did I think:
"I'll be a noble hero and not shoot this man!"
And for fuck's sake I never thought, "Yeah baby, this feels GREAT!"
David and Wayne professed their love for Connie, while David and Connie continued the calls to see my ta-tas. Kenny was never heard from again.
The choices a woman makes during and after her rape are hers and hers alone. I'm pretty thick-skinned, but now that victims’ rights, gun control and rape have been packaged together and tied neatly with a bow into one issue, I was really affected. I can fend off these ludicrous "threats", but these words of ignorance could inspire a woman younger and more fearful of rape to feel maybe she does need a gun. But none of this "advice" could possibly prepare them for all of the possible outcomes. The last thing I want is for a young woman to make a mistake she will regret for the rest of her life. Bringing a gun to anything less than a gun fight can only create one thing, a goddamn gun fight. Likely leading to someone's death, and the aggressor is not always the one that dies. (Trayvon Martin, anyone?).
People who have never had to deal with making split-second decisions when their life and safety are at risk have no problem not only deciding what YOU should have done, but are advocating that everyone go out and buy a gun to save themselves from situations like the one I was in.
I have no regrets about the choices I made at the time, even though I was very young. In my mind, it would have been a huge gamble to reach for that gun, one I wasn't willing to take. I’d never judge another woman for choosing to shoot her rapist. These people who judged me, who demeaned me, who made me so angry that I shared something I’d never told anyone? What they don’t get is that I’m grateful no one died the night I was raped. I lived through it and I didn’t have to shoot someone. I would also, more likely than not, be a completely different person than who I am today, if alive at all. These idiots will never think about that. But I sure as hell do.