Dear David & Charles Koch,
I just learned that the two of you have tried to verbally rough up Zach Galifianakis, of all people. Actually, you had your spokesperson engage in some snark-filled bullying on your behalf.
It seems the two of you have not taken kindly to Zach's portrayal of you in his upcoming film "The Campaign," nor do you particularly appreciate recent comments he made on the film's occasion, calling your purchased pollitical influence "creepy" and opposed to the core ideas of freedom and democracy.
I honestly don't know how you could be upset -- after all, the two of you are being played by Dan Aykroyd and John Lithgow, who are (let's be honest) massive upgrades in both looks and charisma.
But you're pissed. So you've hid behind some (likely underpaid) spokesperson named Philip Ellender, who had to come up with a witty dig on your behalf. Here's what he produced:
"Last we checked, the movie is a comedy. Maybe more to the point is that it's laughable to take political guidance or moral instruction from a guy who makes obscene gestures with a monkey on a bus in Bangkok," said Philip Ellender, referring to a scene from the movie "The Hangover Part II."
"We disagree with his uninformed characterization of Koch and our beliefs. His comments, which appear to be based on false attacks made by our political opponents, demonstrate a lack of understanding of our longstanding support of individual freedom, freedom of expression, and constitutional rights."
It's cute, the whole character assassination attempt (monkey image + liar) followed by the standard plug for the Kochs. But what bothers me is the first person plural,
we and
our. It's as though the "we disagree" is meant to conjure images of a gaggle of lawyers, a personal army of representatives, an
industry, for in context, it's obvious these words aren't coming from your mouths, David and Charles.
So not only do you bully with a spokesperson, but with the hint of muscle standing behind that spokesperson.
I guess that's the difference between a cowardly bully and a rich, cowardly bully: while the former sends verbal digs and threats via email and anonymous messages cut from magazines, the latter (that's you) have hired hands to say what you're too weak to say yourself.
Alas, I don't have my own spokesperson -- nor does Zach, though I suspect he's much richer than I am -- and so you'll have to suffer through this short letter. Really, it's more like a short quote inspired by your hired hand. And it is this:
It's laughable to take political guidance or moral instruction from two brothers whose company paid illegal bribes to secure business abroad, and even more laughable to accept bullying from you, considering you fled ABC News when confronted with your misdeeds.
And I disagree uniformly with your characterization of Zach, for he is correct. Your purchasing of politicians is more than creepy, it undermines the foundations of our democratic process.
In short: you're immoral, a danger to our democracy and (wait for it) anti-American in your business practices.
If this somehow becomes viral, as things are wont to do on occasion, and if you find it duly offensive, I'm sure I'll hear from your spokesperson.
Because when it comes to standing up for yourself and protecting your image from those horrible progressives -- in Hollywood and in the blogosphere -- you do what you did when confronted by ABC NEWS:
Run and hide behind someone else's crafted statement.
Best,
David Harris-Gershon
@David_EHG
Note:
I re-posted this by mistake. Does anyone know how to undo a re-post?