Have you ever felt so down you can hardly breath? Have you ever felt so overwhelmed that you don't know how to get through the day? Did you see it but just don't know how to change?
There are some times our faith can be pushed beyond our limits ... we have to learn how to grow ... how to make the tough calls ... and how to call on God even if it is in the smallest measure.
I invite you to take a walk with me down my personal struggle to get out from under Depression and Oppression with the smallest amount of faith left to me. And for those who sent positive thoughts from Daily Kos and sent prayers out for me ... Thank you just doesn't cover how grateful I am to you.
This year has been overwhelmingly hard for me - but it is only half over.
For those who don't know me very well - here's some background for you. I am a single mom of 5. I was born disabled. I wear a prosthesis (fake leg) and have issues with my hands and weakness in my left arm. I also have scoliosis (not too bad though) and sometimes it really hurts to walk. I have been divorced for 7 years and been alone for all that time except for talking online. I was engaged to someone I was talking to for 4 years ... but all online ... so ... take that for what it's worth. I help Vetwife with her United Veterans as much as I can (Which hasn't seemed like much lately)
So far in this year I had my car break down on me in January and was without a car my 6 year old son being Baker-Acted (police taking him to a psychiatric unit involuntarily) in February, my 11 year old diagnosed with "Auditory perception disorder" basically a hearing problem, I was living with my oldest son and his family (making 9 people in a 3 bedroom apartment), my 14 year old keeps taking off, getting violent with his siblings, getting into fights in the neighborhood, and shoplifting at Walmart, and stealing money from me (even when I put it in a locked box). Then ... as if all that is not enough I broke my stump (I had an amputation when I was 7) and because of that Vetwifes husband went missing for 5 days ... which of course was when my oldest son decided to leave and move back to GA. (when I really needed him)
(taking a deep breath here)
But ya know ... life is life ... no one said it would be easy - I did have some good things happen - you Kossacks helped me to get a new car (again thank you so much), My son who was Baker-acted finally got on the right medication and is doing so much better (thank God!), I got my letter of certification eligibility to teach Biology - and put in over 40 applications ... and hey I did get 1 interview ... just didn't get the job. I have a BSN (Bachelor's degree in Nursing) I just need to pass the NCLEX (exam to be an RN) and I paid money to review for this monster test. But it has been so very hard to really focus and study. Maybe I was putting too much on my plate, but when I can't get a teaching job - I try to fall back on my other options. I have student loans I will eventually have to pay back - ya know? I don't want to live in poverty all my life and I hate the idea of being a burden on society - by getting money from the government. I want to give back and help society as contributing member. It is my own personal feeling about me - I do not mean to project that feeling onto other people who get government benefits (I really hope you understand me here ...)
That is not even the most important thing though ... because for a really long time (over a year) I had really come to HATE religions. I have always had a sincere belief in God ... but trying to live without the support of a group of believers who think like you do ... can be really hard sometimes. And when I am trying to follow where God is leading me ... well ... walking by faith is kinda like walking on water - not too much stability (no solid proof in faith walking) and it has led me into a whole other way of understanding truth and God ... now some who find faith in God for the first time - this can be a wonderful experience. But when you are walking by faith to a completely new understanding, it can be more than a little overwhelming, and scary. I know many people may not understand where I am coming from - but I am trying to give you the deeper understanding of everything I have gone through and how hard it has been.
Finally in July (just after the break and my son leaving) I got that breakthrough of peace about my faith I have been needing for over a year. This was a tremendous relief to me. I could finally go to where I felt I was with same faith as those around me. The feeling of a sincere community of people praying with and for you can make a huge impact on your life. (One of the reasons I am so thankful for my Kossack family)
I got to the point where I started calling the police on my 14 year old. I NEVER wanted to do this ... but when he is continually getting into trouble and won't listen to me, and doesn't seem to think there is any problem. My choices became very limited. His father is 23 hours away ... in Pennsylvania ... I did not have money to get him there and he did not either. He rarely talks to his son and they are not close at all. I sent him to my sister for a month ... he gained over 20 pounds and had a worse attitude after being there than before he left(they are of course republican!) ... but when he beat up his brother - he said to me it was not too bad and he didn't really do anything wrong because he could have hurt him way worse ... (Lord help!!) I prayed so much for him and begged God to help me. When you are at the end of your rope and feel you have tried all you can ... what do you do? I looked at all my options. He had to learn one way or the other that there are consequences for his actions. Last year I had gotten a councilor in our home to help us ... after several months the man was arrested as a child molester !! I really could not get a break ... and when I wanted to get help it caused more problems. I made an appointment for him at Meridian (a psychological facility that accepts medicaid) but he refused to go. After sending him to Juvenal Detention Center ... he had no choice - he HAD to go get help. (thank God) So ... baby step by baby step ... all of my kids are s-l-o-w-l-y getting the help they really need. (I have been told that it wouldn't hurt for me to get counselling for myself ... but gas money can only go so far ... and the kids come first) Now I know my son believes in God ... and now I am Muslim, but this is a new thing for him and I know no one should be forced into any religion. He came to me today ... saying his friends (2 girls) invited him to church ... they have a teen program there ...and I am pleasantly surprised by this. It is my firm belief that each person must come to God as a personal thing between them and God. I let him go. I was so happy to hear it really touched him ... and he felt God there ... I could not ask for more from God and I was very happy for him. I told him when we first started going to the Masjid (Mosque) that i would never force it on him but that he respect my wishes that we go as a family. He respected me in this. So I respect him in his wish to go to church. It is an answer to my prayers and I have such hope that it is a start of a change for the better for him.
I had to examine my relationship with the man I had been talking to for 4 years. It was not a healthy relationship unfortunately. I wish him well, but when I saw it was destroying me and keeping me depressed ... I saw I needed to let go but it was so hard. I had after all invested 4 years into this ... Maybe I am stupid for letting it go on at all ... or letting it keep going on after seeing it was not good ... but I hated the thought of being alone again ...but once I let go - I felt soooooo much better. I felt lighter.
Then the other day I read a diary from Vetwife A trip down Nightmare Lane to which I made the following 2 comments:
Occupy the vote
Excellent! couldn't agree with you more! I have been down so much this year and feel Obama is not what I wished he would be - but really there is no comparison - I do not want Willard in office for anything - and having hate filled ignorant people putting that money hungry uncaring bigoted jerk in office is way worse if I do nothing to try to stop it.
Thanks again for your strength and resolve Vetwife ...
you can't get anything done if you don't try
They would love us all to have a defeatist attitude ... I can only hope our vote makes a difference - because if Romney DOES get into office and you did not vote against him - you are in part responsible - but if you vote, at least you will know you tried to make a difference.
These comments made me think about my spiritual walk with God ... they flowed out of me and I could look back and see how defeated I had felt though all I had to endure. Really it was more than depression - it was oppression. It was like someone (the devil) was trying to kill my spirit. I felt things would NEVER get any better. But still I prayed. Still I believed God was hearing me, I just did not know what else I had to do to get past all of these overwhelming problems and burdens on me. But it is not about winning every battle ... it is about fighting the good fight.
I was talking to a young kid about God ... he is my 14 year old's good friend. He is such a good kid here - but gets into so much trouble away from here. I asked him - why are you so good here when you are with us? He answered, well you seem like you really care about me. I said - I do care about you. He then said to me - do you love me like your other kids? I told him I love him just as much as them, but I can not be responsible for him because he has to obey his parents. I have to respect that. He asked me, what is it like in Heaven ... I said to him - honey I don't really know. I told him how do you feel when you are here and know you are loved and I do things for you? He said I feel really good. I said to him, so when the maker of ALL the worlds and all the universe will answer your prayers and do something for you and you know it is because he loves you - how will it make you feel? Really REALLY good he said with a smile. Exactly I said with a smile. We talked like this for about 10 minutes ... I told him some of my own struggles and let him know I am not any better than he is - we all have to make choices in our lives - but our choices matter. He just leaned on me ... and I could feel in him that he felt it was impossible for him to be good. I told him that if he tries to get close to God a little - God would come so much closer to him ... I could see he needed this reassurance ...
I come back to fighting the good fight ... we have to live with our choices, and we will have to answer for our choices one day. Each thing I had to fight I felt so alone ... it was overwhelming!! but when I made the tough decisions, things started changing. I think it is the devil's goal to keep us not just depressed but oppressed, but really we must fight back as best as we can. Step by step. It is so hard when you feel alone, when you feel nothing you are doing really matters one way or another. But we have to keep going forward. Retreat can not become a way of life. I do not care if it is political or spiritual. Really we are only defeated if we allow ourselves to be. I felt defeated so much this year - Vetwife can tell you - she missed her old friend because I was just not the same woman she knew. It was like I was near death. It was so hard, so overwhelming. But I did not give up on God. I had hope that somehow things would change. Politics seem almost impossible to me, those with the money seem to call the shots and sometimes I feel our freedoms are gone, but they are not gone. Not yet and I pray we can really fight to keep our country as a good place, but we can not keep it that way without fighting for it. Just as we can not keep the peace of God without fighting for it.
God willing I plan to go to the Democratic Party here in Alachua county Florida and volunteer. I do not know what they will have me doing, but I will sleep better at night knowing I am doing all I can to keep the rights and freedoms I hold so dear to my heart. Our life is made up of the choices we make. I will fight as long as I have strength to fight. But even when my strength is gone - I want to hold on to hope. It is little ... but sometimes hope can bring you through the toughest times. It is fighting the good fight.