"Ewww!" Where did I stash that hand sanitizer? I will be soooo glad when this is over!!"
It you've been on the edge of your seat wondering about Mitt's future plans, you can relax. Ann Romney has declared that:
her husband will not run again if this race doesn’t turn out the way they hope.
Ann Romney told ABC’s “The View” Thursday that it was “a very hard thing” to put her family through another White House bid after he lost the 2008 Republican primary. She said she agreed because she feels her husband can bring economic prosperity to America, but they “absolutely” will not do it again if he loses.
Of course, we've heard the word "absolutely" a lot from Mitt throughout the campaign. It's one of his most revealing "tells" that an epic Etch-a-Sketch moment lurks only weeks away. Detroit should "absolutely" go bankrupt. FEMA should "absolutely" be eliminated. Those cookies "absolutely" came from the 7/11. That poor fellow from Cranbrook "absolutely" looked better after his forcible haircut. Seamus "absolutely" loved riding on the roof.
So if Mitt loses, what's next on his agenda? Inquiring minds... well, they probably don't give a sh*t, but let's consider the options, just in case.
First, it's no secret that there'll be hell to pay. Mitt's a sore winner, and an "absolutely" sore loser. Everyone within his drainage basin will pay the price if he loses. He'll no doubt fire all his campaign staff (or at least those who don't have the good sense to quite pre-emptively). He can't fire the MittKids, of course, but he can probably find other ways to make their lives even more unbearable. He might even fire his domestic help, just because he can, and because firing people is one of the few joys left for a guy like Mitt.
Maybe he'll take some vacation time and visit his money in the Caymans and in Switzerland. He might scout out some new sweatshops manufacturing locations since he no longer has to "Believe in America". Gosh, that was annoying!
Back home, he'll be chortling as he sits making his list and checking it twice, figuring out which factories to shutter in those states that screwed him over during the election. The actual layoffs will have to wait a few weeks for the ideal moment: after Thanksgiving and before Christmas, when they'll generate the most pain (for the little people) and joy (for Mitt). Nothing says "I love 100% of the people" than wrenching away their livelihood during the holidays and watching them explain to their tearful kids that, yes, Santa can still find them even if they're living in a homeless shelter.
Still, these are just short-term fixes. Mitt will still need to find his next mission in life. Ann's counting on it. I'm sure she doesn't want Mitt just hanging around the house(s) griping all day and kicking the family pets across the Oriental rugs. Family gatherings won't be much fun either, so the MittKids would probably appreciate your help in finding their dad a new direction. I'm sure you folks could tell Mitt where to go, so please add your ideas in the comments, and we'll send them along to Team Romney.