It's probably too soon, but I've made all the calls I needed to make (except the one for my appointment at the mortuary). Yes, I am bereaved. After 41 years as a couple and 4 years as a legally married couple, I'm widowed because Jim died this morning in his sleep as we were getting ready to take him to the hospital; a stubborn man, he had refused to go any earlier because he didn't know what to expect. The fire department was great, the police from the North Hollywood Division were great (they even offered to stay until Forest Lawn came for the body, but I needed to make some calls myself to his family), the guy from Forest Lawn told me he had two lesbian daughters. Yes, I'm babbling to hold off the tears. This wasn't supposed to happen to a 66 year old man. Or to his 63 year old spouse.
And I'm writing this for catharsis. My nose is running and I have tears although I'm not actually crying. I don't think it's a "men don't cry" thing; I've just never trusted some of my emotional reactions. The problem is that for the past four decades I have deferred decision making to Jim on all the important things, like where to live and issues like that. We live in a long-term sublet. He was thinking of moving, I tend to follow the path of least resistance on that, and I guess we'll see if the woman we're subletting from annoys me as much as she used to annoy him. The one thing I DID do because I am now trying (and empowered) to make decisions for myself was register for Netroots Nation 2013. You all may be my real family now.
I hope this isn't as self-indulgent as I'm afraid it might be, but if I act odder than usual over the next few weeks or if I develop different triggers because I've lost someone who made my life the wonderful life it was for the last four decades, you'll know why. I hope I can run my life as well as just me.
Thank you for your condolences.
11:31 AM PT: It is SO gratifying to know that the community I though I had found here is indeed the community I HAVE found here, only bigger and warmer than I ever realized. Thank you, and now I have to buy sheets. I'll be back as soon as I can.
Thu Dec 06, 2012 at 2:40 PM PT: You have not just consoled me (as much as that's possible at this point) but you have enriched me, embraced me, and enveloped me into the warmest family I can imagine being part of. Thank you again, fellow Kossacks!