This is a diary on behalf of the new group Cranky Grammarians. Be not afraid; we come as friends. We do not mean to beat you over the head with finickyness, but to assist you in improving your writing, should you need that, or to invite you to join us in our primal urge to appreciate appropriate English grammar and composition.
I'll bet you've never considered that you are an apostrophist, in the sense that you use apostrophes to punctuate words. Follow these simple rules to be the best apostrophist you can!
Here is an apostrophe. |
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Isn't it adorable? The resemblance to a sperm cell has not gone unnoticed. Spermatozoa are half of the miracle that creates a new being. Apostrophes are part of the miracle that creates good writing, so let us take a loving look at them and declare them our BFFs henceforward.
By the way, because our keyboards offer only a single way of indicating an apostrophe, it often looks like this on the screen: |
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Either way, the apostrophe is properly used for only two things, as you will see below the fleur de Kos. |
To make this simple and gruesomely dramatic, let's say that there are two uses for apostrophes:
1. To indicate singular or plural possession
A mad scientist, Dr. Frankenstein, has created a living being. It is called Dr. Frankenstein's monster.
Various organizations for Monsters' rights have offered legal assistance in the face of a torches-and-pitchforks uprising from the locals.
2. To mark the omission of one or more letters, as with contractions
I'm not dead. = I am not dead.
He said he's not dead. = He said he is not dead.
I'm not. = I am not.
He isn't? = He is not?
Well, he will be soon, he's very ill. = Well, he will be soon, he is very ill.
Other than in plural possessives, apostrophes have
nothing to do with plurals. Translation: do
not use apostrophes to indicate plurals. You really can’t go wrong if you abide by this rule. (
I can think of one exception, which I'm sure someone will mention in the comments.)
The 60s were fun, iirc!
Those blotter squares look tasty.
Summer days make me feel fine.
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We Cranky Grammarians are not alone. There's an unsung group of heroes fighting the good e-fight on behalf of the apostrophe. See, for example,
Bob the Angry Flower,
Apostrophe Catastrophes.com, and
Apostrophe Abuse.com.
This last has a blogroll to direct you to other grammar-oriented sites, and "contains links and visuals illustrating an orthographic pet peeve." They invite submission of examples of unfortunate and liberal misuse of apostrophes, such as these:
There are not enough vodkas, rums, cognacs or tequilas to help one recover from the sight of such an abomination, the sin of commission.
Then there are glaring sins of omission, like this punctuation neglect in the Grand Canyon.
These folks feel that an apostrophe is needed somewhere, so they fling it in all anyhow.
Click here for a cartoon-ized diagram with more thorough information about apostrophe use. Whether you "have a nice day" or not, fer the luvva Pete, be kind to your readers and put your apostrophes where they belong.
Now, let the wild rumpus begin so that we can cover all the exceptions to these rules!