Mitt Romney is apparently a Seinfeld fan. “As George Costanza would say, ‘When they’re applauding, stop,’” he said during the Arizona debate after being interrupted by applause mid-sentence. The fact that Romney butchered the line is now well-documented (the actual line is “When you hit that high note, you say good-night and walk off,” and it’s from Jerry, not George).
But all quibbling aside, a different Seinfeld episode applies to Romney even better: “The Pez Dispenser,” in which George laments that he never has the upper hand (or, more simply, “hand”) in his relationships. If Romney hopes to win in November, he should look to George for lessons on how to get hand, not on how to react to applause.
At the beginning of “The Pez Dispenser,” George tells Jerry that things are not going well with his girlfriend, Noel.
GEORGE: No everything is not going good. I'm very uncomfortable. I have no power. I mean, why should she have the upper hand. Once in my life I would like the upper hand. I have no hand—no hand at all. She has the hand; I have no hand...
GEORGE: How do I get the hand?
JERRY: We all want the hand. Hand is tough to get. You gotta get the hand right from the opening.
After Noel embarrasses George (“I said I DON’T FEEL LIKE IT,” she screams at George as he pathetically begs her to spend a night out), Kramer suggests to George that he preemptively break up with Noel to get some “hand.” That way, the power imbalance will shift to George’s favor.
The trick works. “You’re breaking up with me?” Noel says in disbelief. “I ... am breaking up with ... you,” George responds, pausing for emphasis.
George eventually takes Noel back, and he gloats to Jerry about his new power: “Jerry, let me tell you something, ‘A man without hand is not a man.’ I got so much hand I'm coming out of my gloves.”
So what does this have to do with Romney? Well, simply put, when it comes to his relationship with Republican primary voters, Romney has no hand. Look at how the voters flirt with other candidates while still keeping Romney within arm’s length. First it was Bachmann, then Cain, then Gingrich, and now Santorum. The voters can smell Romney’s desperation, and they loathe him for it. Yet, they keep him around like a stale boyfriend because they realize he can still be useful.
What Romney doesn’t understand is that the voters want a Spike to go after that prancing, Sylvester-like Obama, but all he gives them is the obsequious Chester. After voters smack him away, Romney comes back with stuff like, “The trees are just the right height here.” Translation: “You want this? You want that? Just tell me! I’ll say it! I’m eager to please!”
Candidates with hand don’t say stuff like that. Candidates with hand make you worry that they are going to break up with you. Obama didn’t just have hope in 2008—he had hand.
Despite his lack of hand, Romney will still likely win his party’s nomination (you don’t dump your boyfriend unless something truly better comes along). But come November, unless he can get some hand fast—and keep it—he’s going to end up just like George at the end of “The Pez Dispenser” after Noel flips the script again:
NOEL: You lied to me George, you lied to me.
GEORGE: No, I, uh, um, wa, wa, What did I do? ... Where are you going?
NOEL: I ... am breaking up ... with you!
GEORGE: You can't break up with me. I've got hand.
NOEL: And you're going to need it.