I'm glad in so many ways that the film "Bully" has allowed people to open themselves up and to tell their stories of being bullied; how they were hurt, and to send the message that tells kids that they aren't alone, and things will change - bullies don't always win.
But having seen the film, and having lived the experience, I wanted to spend a bit of time talking about a kid last year who set an example for his classmates of what it is to be a hero, and a man who I work with who has devoted his life to making a difference.
Heroes come in a lot of shapes and sizes. People who stand up for big causes, people who express incredible bravery. Firefighters who run into buildings, police officers who save kids, doctors and parents. But I wanted to share a story about a six grader. Because he's a sixth grader, I'm not going to use his name, I will just call him "RM".
As many of you know, I have a son who is autistic, who struggles at times with school, with people and how to deal with the world. He struggles to fit in at times, he loses his patience, the world doesn't always make sense to him. He's a big kid for his age, towering above his classmates. Because of his issues, he's an easy target to be picked on - because at times, he doesn't know it.
Last year, several classmates took turns telling him things - things which were clearly untrue, giving him "cute sayings" to repeat to make sure he got into trouble (ie, "bitch" and other nice words that they told him were "cute") along with a large array of words and phrases they thought would be funny if he would say aloud. Our son didn't quite grasp what was going on, and soon, they had managed to get him into trouble, as well as bring more attention to how different he was.
It's hard going for a son with special needs; his issues are severe and very real; at that point in time, he spent 2 hours a day mainstreamed (that has since ended, as other issues have compelled us to put him in a special school that can better handle his issues). But when other kids picked on him, made fun of him, and thought it was funny.. the easy thing to do would have been to let it go - to join the crowd, or to just walk on by.
Kids aren't quite sure of who they are yet; and if one kid is getting picked on, it takes a lot of courage to stand up for someone who is different. A fellow classmate (RM), however, saw what was going on and decided that he had to take a stand to stop it. It takes a lot of courage for a child to stand up to a crowd and do it for the kid who is different. When you're in the 6th grade, a big part of your daily life is trying to feel 'normal'. We all remember, we've all been there; it's the drive to seem to fit in, to find friends, to be popular. Standing up to the "cool" kids on behalf of a kid with a disability you don't really know? That, my friends, takes bravery.
I say this with all seriousness - I have known grown men who do not have the courage of conviction to do the right thing, to risk popularity to defend the unpopular. But that young boy did something before teachers could - he stood up and told a large set of kids what they were doing was wrong; and he defended a child who needed it. He may have been a sixth grader, but in that moment, he was a man amongst boys. He took personal risk and he did it not for his own self, not to make himself more popular, not because there was a benefit in it for him - he did it because he knew it was the right thing to do. He stood up to those around him and helped a student who needed it because that was the kind of person he was.
It's sometimes easy to castigate bullies. We all dislike bullies. But I have to tell you, I don't know if enough praise goes to bravery. That one act took a few minutes, and may be forgotten by many - but for the students involved it was one of those events that changed everything about how that day could have gone. I told his parents that day, when I heard about it that they needed to realize what a good kid they had - if they didn't know already, because anyone that brave deserved to be praised for his efforts.
But that kind of bravery doesn't just have to stop when we are a kid. When we move on, and find success in our life, it's easy to put the problems of others behind us and enjoy the benefits of our efforts and say "well, I hope that things sort out, I will donate to a charity here and there, and all will be fine."
For those with mental disabilities, in a lot of ways, society is the bully. We have relegated so many of them to the lesser class - we're happier to prosecute them or to find them in a jail cell rather then provide them with help. If you want to see the status of how this works in my state, you can look through several of my prior blogs. Society, it seems, has decided that playing the bully - poking fun at those who need it by denying them services and just hoping that the torture of prison or homelessness is "good enough".
And for those bullies, you sometimes need a bigger bat. The first time I met T, a Vice President of our company - a multinational, I didn't know about his work for the cause; when he met my son, he told me of his efforts to try and help. It was a rough day for us; our son - only 12 - had been charged with a felony, a tantrum outburst in a classroom that could not be contained was referred to court for destruction of property in a classroom. It seems as though getting him a better placement in Kansas wasn't possible under medicaid (denied) but all they needed was just another round of prosecutions, and they could demand he go to full time juvenile care.. a back door. We wanted another option - and we were willing to fight for it. But let me tell you about bravery - bravery is having those around you who say: I am willing to help you fight the system; we believe in who you are, and what you can become.
It's easy to say "Hey, I've achieved my goal.. why should I care.." The easy road for someone in that position is to donate to a charity, wear the shirt, and talk about how much you "care" as PR. It looks good. But the hard road is putting your money and time where your mouth is. It's being willing to stick your neck out to help a parent who needs help, it's putting yourself into fighting the real bullies - even if they are of the societal/government kind.
I've been thinking about bullies and brave souls all day today; it began this morning when someone circulated this story to me.
http://www.cnn.com/...
I never felt threatened, although he stood in my personal space about 1 or 2 feet in front of me. He would occasionally look in my direction, but never at me. Although he stood so close, he avoided eye contact.
"Can you drive me to the shelter? Because it's warm there and they have food," he asked me again.
"I'm homeless and very hungry," he said. "I'm not lying to you. If I lie to you then you might not help me."
I really didn't know what to say, because I wasn't comfortable driving him anywhere.
I was thinking about my day, sitting in my office at work, and I read until I hit the moment "I'm not lying to you. If I lie to you, then you might not help me."
I could picture the words rolling off the tongue of my 12 year old autistic boy - who says those things almost verbatim. When he's sad, when he tries to tell you something important to him "listen to me, this is important". I have no shame in saying, I retreated to a private office and cried. This, in the story by the author, was my son. Every fear I have. Every concern I have about his future. But I thought of RM and T, and I had to say: it's now time for me to be brave. To be brave for my son. To encourage and praise those who are also brave.
It's unfortunate that we all face bullies. We face them as kids. We face them as adults. As parents, we hear about how they impact our kids.
The bullies can be other kids. They can be the system itself. They can be the lack of hope. A bully can be the sense that you have no choice when you get up in the morning. But every time I feel down because of a bully, I find some hope in that I have known people who are brave. I've known a small boy who knew how to be a man. I've been in the company of men who had wealth and position who were willing to fight a bully to help the meek.
I've heard of those who used their own bravery to defend the week.
So, I'm telling my friends on Daily Kos right now: I've known bullies, sure. And I will think of the scars they've left me. But I will take every moment I can to praise those who stand up to them - big or small - and I will praise their bravery.
But I know part of the way that I make a better future for him is to encourage those who are brave, to be brave myself when I can. People here on Kos come here, in part to read about acts of bravery. We read diaries that we hope inspire us to be brave. All I'm saying today is the best way to beat a bully is to praise bravery and to encourage it where you see it. I believe it. I act on it. You should to.