America doesn’t have an obesity problem, the rest of the world has a skinny problem.
Ever love someone just cause you have so much common hate?
Embrace enlightenment. Give voice to joy. Spring forward into the day. Turn a flamethrower on the office. It's fun to be unpredictable.
I need insurance to protect me from myself.
When people talk about the good old days, I like to tell the story of my great uncle freezing to death in the outhouse.
Roger Clemens was found not guilty of lying to congress. In other words, he was found guilty of telling the truth to liars.
I always have the safe search turned off on my computer because I'm a grown ass man and I can look up weird shit if I want to.
I always wanted to be a contract killer. I would stab the shit out of some indemnity clauses. stabbing motion DIE! DIE! DIE!
True unadulterated humor comes from the mental struggle to make sense of the bullshit around you. Be angry. Be very fucking angry.