From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE
We'll Be Back After This Commercial Interruption...
"La la la…I'm the Republican nominee for president taking a jaunty stroll while perusing the pages of my awesome gold-embossed Romney plan."
"Loo loo loo…I'm a Wisconsin congressman walking briskly in the other direction on my way back from Tae-Bo class at the Ayn Rand Center for Physical Fitness and Chain Smoking, while swooning over my awesome mimeographed Ryan plan."
[Clunk!!!!!]
"Ow! Say, that cocobutt sound would seem to indicate that you, Congressman, and I have partaken in a pedestrian-related collision of sorts. Strange things are happening to me, lemme tell ya!"
"Yeah, I'd say so, bro. Like, total freakin' head-butt."
It makes a cocobutt sound
"Oh, heavens! From my personal observation, it appears you got your Ryan plan in my Romney plan!"
"Well you got your Romney plan in my Ryan plan!"
"Wait a minute! Privatize Medicare? Raise taxes on the middle class? Increase funding for war-related activities and nuclear armaments? Why, your plan looks like my plan, Mr. Ryan!"
"Privatize Social Security? Cut taxes on the rich? Increase the deficit? Food stamps that are only redeemable for cat food? I'd say your plan looks like my plan, Mr. Romney! Ha ha ha!!!"
"Yes, indeed! Titter titter and other assorted mirth-expressive exclamations! Hey, how would you like to be my running mate?"
"Love to, sir."
"It's a deal! I'll just need twenty years of your tax returns, proof that you signed the Grover Norquist tax pledge and the Rush Limbaugh loyalty oath…and a promise that you'll never say that our plans are alike in any way, shape or mysterious silhouette-like pattern whatsoever."
"Done, done, done and totally done!"
"Oh, and George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, John McCain and Sarah Palin never existed."
"Got it!"
"And you'll need to shorten your legs by two inches. I like my running mate to be the right height."
"Ha ha. Good one, sir."
"Not a joke."
Announcer: The Romney plan. The Ryan plan. The Romney-Ryan plan. Whatever you call it, it's still a shit sandwich! Also available in hard-to-swallow bitter pills.
Now back to our regularly-scheduled blogging.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Note: Kossack navajo is doing a fab-o job keeping track of all the Kossack meetups that are breaking out across the country. Click the link above to find out about the ones planned for San Francisco, L.A., Houston, New York City, and New England. (Clytemnestra has a fresh post up about the September 15 New England meetup. Click here for details.) And let us know if you're planning one so we can promote it. Together, we can take our country back from TYRANNY(!!!)…one round of beer at a time.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the first presidential debate, in Denver, hosted by Jim Lehrer: 49
Days 'til the second annual Portland Brew Festival down on the waterfront: 16
Odds of finding an authentic case of attempted in-person voter fraud: 1:15,000,000
(Source: News21/Carnegie-Knight investigation)
Rank of Mississippi, Louisiana and West Virginia on the latest "obesity map": #1, #2, #3
Rank of Massachusetts, Hawaii and Colorado: #48, #49, #50
(Source: CDC)
Reduction in Portland, Maine's crime rate over the last three years: 15%
Percent chance that "F-bomb" was added to the new Mirriam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary: 100%
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 184 (including 4 date settings and 1 Human-horse hybrid). Soul Protection Factor 20 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day The Canine Marine Oath:
"This is my ball. There are many like it, but this one is mine. My ball is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life. My ball, without me, is useless. Without my ball, I am useless. I must fetch my ball true. I must run faster than my enemy who is trying to fetch my ball before me. I must beat him before he beats me. I WILL."
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The Ohio University that helped
defeat an enemy of education
CHEERS to schooling Romney.
Woo hoo!!! I'm famous!!! Well, okay, not me personally. But my alma mater, Otterbein University in beautiful Westerville, Ohio, was the site last spring of a Mitt Romney whopper ("Borrow money, if you have to, from your parents"). The Obama team has turned that Otterbein moment into
a punch-to-the-Romney-gut TV ad on the issue of higher education. So, remember, Mr. President: if you carry Ohio, there's an institution of higher learning just northeast of Columbus whose campus center really needs a new
Frogger machine. (I kinda wore it out between 1982 and 1986. Hey, don't roll your eyes like that---it was my major.)
CHEERS to green shoots. Here's a bit of good news: for the first time in four months, retail sales are up…
…as demand rose broadly for everything from cars to electronics, a sign that consumers could drive faster economic growth in the third quarter. Retail sales rose 0.8 percent last month, the Commerce Department said on Tuesday. It was the biggest gain since February and well above analysts' expectations. … [It] offers some relief for President Barack Obama, whose November re-election bid has been imperiled by a weak jobs market.
Now if we could just get our corn to grow that fast.
CHEERS to VJ Day. Sixty seven years ago, on August 15, 1945, America celebrated the end of the war in the Pacific. Our youngest W.W. II vets are now in their mid-80s, so today it's our pleasure to slip a nip `o scotch in their Ensure with a wink and a "thank you"---that was a war that needed to be fought. Meanwhile the Afghanistan war has dragged on over seven---seven!!!---years longer than the Second World War. Not that we're counting. Or seething.
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Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda… GONG!!!
This is another edition of The One Word Answer Man. Jeff Greenfield asks: Will Paul Ryan lose Ohio for the GOP?
Hopefully!
Now back to Cheers and Jeers.
Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda… GONG!!!
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JEERS to the lowest of the low. A new Gallup poll is out and it reveals what Americans think of Congress. The CliffsNotes version: more popular than a root canal, less popular than spending an evening of cuddle time with Bashar al-Assad. Heckuva job, America!
Lipitor not included
CHEERS to an artery's best worst friend. On August 15, 1911, obedient American housewives across America swooned to the sound of
Crisco (short for "crystallized cottonseed oil") glopping into their frying pans and mixing bowls as Procter & Gamble brought it to market. Today Crisco is still a popular way to make food more slick and slippery. And, from what we hear, no Romney media surrogate ever goes in front of a camera before bathing in it.
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Five years ago in C&J: August 15, 2007
JEERS to America's #1 Defeatocrat. Quick, who said this?
"Once you got to Iraq and took it over---took down Saddam Hussein's government---then what are you going to put in its place? That's a very volatile part of the world, and if you take down the central government of Iraq, you could very easily end up seeing pieces of Iraq fly off. Part of it, the Syrians would like to have to the west. Part of it---eastern Iraq---the Iranians would like to claim; they fought over it for eight years. In the north you've got the Kurds, and if the Kurds spin loose and join with the Kurds in Turkey then you threaten the territorial integrity of Turkey. It's a quagmire if you go that far and try to take over Iraq.
John Kerry? Howard Dean? Ted Kennedy? Nope.
Dick Cheney thirteen years ago, before the alien mind-control slugs burrowed into his brain. Someone hold 'im down and fetch me the tongs...I'm goin' in!
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And just one more…
As Republicans call them:
"Husband and Incubator"
CHEERS to love in the Pine Tree State. Maine Senator Susan Collins
got married over the weekend to Tom Daffron, who is---big surprise---a D.C. lobbyist. They would've gotten hitched sooner, but someone put an anonymous hold on the wedding. (Coburn…must you spoil
everything???) Anyway, here's a song in honor of the happy couple. A' one, two, three…
Susan and Tom
Sittin' in a tree…
K-I-S-S-I-N-G
First comes love,
Then comes marriage,
Then comes BABIES BABIES BABIES BECAUSE MARRIAGE IS ALL ABOUT PROCREATION!!! NOW GET TO IT AND PRODUCE A BAKER'S DOZEN OF CHITLINS OR YOU'RE BOTH GOIN' TO HELL!!!
Ahem. Sorry. Me and my conservative Christian values get a little carried away sometimes.
Have a nice Wednesday. Feel the love. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
Study details how to avoid the weirdo Bill in Portland Maine on the bus
---BodyOdd
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