From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Call Me A Concern Troll, Republicans. But Read This Anyway.
Your GOP convention starts in 20 days in Tampa. There will be speeches, straw hats, smoke-filled rooms, confetti, names of states on dancing poles, and also lots and lots of dancing pole dancers. I'd like to warn you about the latter.
From what the sex industry says, you Republicans are a horny bunch. A survey by the Association of Club Experts, for example, says that you outspend us Democrats three-to-one at stripper bars during your conventions. For all the noise you people make about irresponsible spending, you sure have interesting ways of blowing through your cash. I guess I never knew your road to eternal salvation passed through the lap-dance booth. Does Rick Warren have that sermon posted up on You Tube? But I digress...
I also noticed that Republicans appear to have the backing of the porn industry. As adult actress Jenna Jameson said during her endorsement of Mitt Romney: "When you're rich, you want Republicans in office." Lady, you said a mouthful.
"Oops."
My point is, I'd like to think that you conservatives will be playing it safe at your convention, and no, I don’t mean your choice of vice presidential candidate. I'm talkin' about "Goin' the Full Pokemon"---if ya know what I mean. (Or, as Rick Perry calls it: "Oops.")
Look, I know you think you know how your erotic escapade will play out. You think you'll bring a hot, intellectually-curious escort back to your hotel room, turn your penis off and spend a wild night discussing Ayn Rand's economics, atheism, love of trains and stuff. I know that's what you were taught in abstinence-only class. But it just doesn't work that way. Your wee willie winky is gonna short-circuit your thinkin' brain and switch over to caveman mode. At that moment, your purity ring will become as useless as your trickle-down economics.
There's no other way to say this, so I'll just say it: you're gonna have buy enormous amounts of sex in Tampa. The ladies (and gents) of the evening are going to pay off lots of bills thanks to your GOP convention. But be safe, for cryin' out loud (but not too loud---you never know who might be next door pressing a glass against the wall). The Centers for Disease Control is a good source of info, as they run the gamut from Chlamydia to Syphillis to a bunch of diseases you may not be able to pronounce. You'll also find a list of Tampa STD testing clinics (with directions) here. If you're gonna bring a souvenir back home with ya, better it should be a Grover Norquist snow globe (shake it up and watch it erupt in a blizzard of teeny tiny tax pledges) than the clap. Or worse.
There. I said it.
I know you're a bit---how to put this diplomatically---less reality-based than Democrats who know that comprehensive sex education prevents cases of the creepy crawlies more effectively than abstinence-only education. That's why I'm posting this now…so you'll have a full 20 days to, um, bone up on how to avoid the dreaded D in STD.
We may be ideological opposites, but it's important that you Republicans stay relatively healthy. We'll need you to help turn back the invasion of America by the Soviet Union that Mitt Romney has promised to prepare our defenses for if he becomes president. So sin responsibly, my friends. Sin responsibly.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Note: We love hearing about and promoting Kossack meetups. They're friendly, fun and foodilicious. Four are currently in various stages of planning: there's one in New York City at Spitzers Corner on Sunday, August 19th, one in Foxborough, Massachusetts September 15th, and a couple in the planning stages in Maryland/Virginia and Los Angeles. If you're in any of them thar neighborhoods, click on the link and give the organizers a shout. Together we can conquer the world one brunch table at a time. Forward!
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By the Numbers:
Weeks 'til election day: 13
Days 'til Maine's Winter Harbor Lobster Festival: 4
Approximate number of Sikhs living in the U.S.: 300,000
(Source: NBC News)
War/defense spending in 2000: $294 billion
Estimated war/defense spending this year: $716 billion
(Source: Budget of the U.S. via USA Today)
Number of U.S. farmers over 75 for every farmer under 25: 5
(Source: The Portland Phoenix)
Medal events when Britain hosted the summer Olympic Games in, respectively, 1908 and 2012: 109 / 302
(Source: USA Today)
U.S. Olympic Medal Count: Gold: 29 Silver: 15 Bronze: 19
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Tuesday Words of Wisdom from the Right-wing Blogosphere:
Hippies and Liberals Are the Greedy Ones, Not Conservatives.
---"Zo" at Pajamas Media
All together now: 1…2…3…
Classy!
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Puppy Pic of the Day: 500 good reasons why trying to kiss a porcupine is a bad idea.
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BREAKING: New photo from Mars
Rover 'Curiosity' just released by NASA
CHEERS to sticking the landing. It's not everyday you get to shout,
"Mars, bitches!" and mean it literally. Or, as Brian Williams said it last night: "It's nice to hear the world cheering NASA again." Damn right. How cool to see NASA scientists and engineers erupt in rational exuberance yesterday morning after learning the Mars rover
Curiosity touched down on the Red Planet safe and sound. The first photos have already come back. So far they reveal dust, rocks, and another Mitt Romney tax shelter.
JEERS to more madness. What happens in the wake of the massacre massacre in Aurora, Colorado Oak Creek, Wisconsin, aside from the anger and grief, is depressingly predictable: gun control advocates will wisely suggest that this might be a good time to review our federal and state firearms policies so that our nation's shameful record of gun violence might be improved upon. The NRA will respond by scaring politicians into looking the other way by informing them that, "We'll be scoring you on your response." Meanwhile right-wing bloggers and numbskull pundits will insist that if only those kids at that theatre Sikhs at that temple had been allowed to be armed with Glocks, they would've been able to return fire Rambo-style and no one but the gunman would've been harmed. Like I said, predictable. Depressingly.
JEERS to America the Gullible. Fool us once: On August 7, 1964, Congress passed the Gulf of Tonkin Resolution, giving President Johnson a big fat stick to wield in dealing with reported North Vietnamese attacks on U.S. forces. It was all crap---the attacks never happened but we bought it anyway. Fool us twice: Years later George W. Bush did virtually the same thing by ginning up bullshit documents and other phony evidence to concoct a bogus case for invading Iraq, but we bought it anyway. Here, let me try: Hey America! Send me all your gold and diamonds or our Mad Zombie Clown Defense Shield will be penetrated by proton-eating devil wombat dogs in Boston Whalers!!! (What the hell...it's worth a shot.)
JEERS to things that we do not need or want. Oh dear lord, look who's building a "policy think tank" so he can share his wisdom and experience as governor of California with the world: Arnold Schwarzenegger. The structure will be built out of incompetence and powered by delusions of grandeur.
2004 GOP convention attendee mocks
John Kerry's military service
CHEERS to honoring our casualties. On August 7, 1782, George Washington created the Purple Heart, a decoration to bestow honor on soldiers wounded during their service to our country. The recipient, said Washington, "has given of his blood in the defense of his homeland and shall forever be revered by his fellow countrymen." It only took Republicans 222 years to
dishonor, tarnish and abuse it. A model of efficiency, they are.
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Five years ago in C&J: August 7, 2007
JEERS to General David Patraeus. The de facto Commander-in-Chief was the '04-'05 supervisor of a shoddy distribution process that allowed over one hundred and ninety thousand guns---not to mention tons of helmets and body armor---to fall into the hands of insurgents, who are now using them to kill our troops. On the bright side, not a single Blackhawk attack helicopter has fallen into enemy hands. Yet.
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And just one more...
CHEERS to great moments in blogger history. It was the first full week of August, 2007. The Great Orange Satanists were assembled in Chicago. Over 40 state and national candidates showed up, along with all the presidential candidates except the one who's now our damn fine Vice President, but not before Bill O'Reilly tried to scare them off by calling us "Worse than the Nazis." Oh, and Saturday night the hotel bar ran out of booze. It was only our second netroots convention (#8 is in San Jose next June), but it was the last one to be called Yearly Kos. What a time. Some of my highlights from the archive:
"They like us! They really like us!"
Hillary and Obama came to Yearly Kos 2007
>> The Nazi roundtable was boring. Herman Goerring IV kept hogging the agenda (and the doughnuts). Apparently the answer to all of America's problems is more Messerschmitts.
>> There were no signs saying that we couldn’t play in the lobby's 'dancing fountains,' so you security bullies had no right to yell at me and Governor Richardson like that during our game of Marco/Polo.
>> Next year I'm bringing my slingshot. Anyone who stands up to ask a question but instead makes a bunch of preliminary comments and then bundles four questions into one will get a Milk Dud in the back of the head. This also applies to anyone who fails to turn off their cellphone.
>> The congressional candidates who attended are seriously cool people. Almost makes me feel sorry for their opponents. Almost.
>> Don’t taunt the Teamsters. Don’t taunt the Teamsters. Don’t taunt the Teamsters.
>> And lastly: As I suspected...Kos has bird legs.
In hindsight, I don’t think he appreciated that.
Have a nice August 7, 2007 retroactively. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
Fox News Wonders, Why Don't Our Athletes Love Bill in Portland Maine More?
---Gawker
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