As told by Republicans.
In light of the Republican party rewriting recent history, pretending that George W. Bush doesn't exist, and claiming credit for the Clinton years after condemning Bill Clinton almost as harshly as President Obama, I thought it would be nice to take a more comprehensive look at American History, as written by America's true historians, the GOP.
In the beginning, Jesus roamed the land on dinosaur back, giving the well dressed israelites stock options and semi-automatic guns, while telling the not-so-well dressed israelites to pull themselves up by their foot hairs (because poors didn't have boots back then).
Then the evil British came, so George Washington crossed the Atlantic Ocean and took them by surprise on Christmas Day (coincidence? I think not). The evil British were so thoroughly defeated that they surrendered and promised to be America's dusty old butler forever.
Things were not well in America, however. Northern communists tricked the nation into voting them into power, led by anti-capitalist Abraham Lincoln who wanted to steal the South's God-given labor force. The South, not fooled by their treachery, said, "No thanks." But then the evil North attacked the simple, honest folk of the South. In a War of Aggression. But by the grace of God and their God-given guns, the South prevailed and forced drunkard General Grant to surrender at Appomattox.
Over the years, the Southern-led United States kindly freed the slaves in exchange for letting white people treat them badly and call them names.
What happened next is something of a mystery that has yet to be solved. Some Republicans believe that Hitler bombed Pearl Harbor, but others think it was that evil communist Franklin Roosevelt, working with Hitler, who did it. Roosevelt had stolen the presidency by making the stock market crash and blaming it on Wall Street and the honorable President Hoover.
Nevertheless, America's greatest heroes (next to PATRIOT Robert E. Lee) Generals MacArthur and Patton rode into Germany on tanks while screaming, "USA! USA!" They ran over Hitler with their tanks like that one nazi commandant in that one Indiana Jones movie.
Then they drove their tanks to Vietnam and ran over the communists there and freed the oppressed freedom-loving Vietnamese, who apply our sacred free-market principles to producing music and software.
MacArthur and Patton were getting old, however. So in their waning years, they gave their tanks made of Awesome to their chosen successor, the future of the American race, Ronald Reagan.
MacArthur and Patton taught him well. Reagan strapped those tanks on, one on each foot, and rode them to Germany and single-handedly bulldozed the Berlin Wall and the entire city of Moscow, defeating communism forever. On his way home, he blew up Chernobyl, rescued poor helpless Americans from Iran, and killed Saddam Hussein. He was truly a hero. A paragon of America for the ages.
Sadly, a short time later, Reagan passed away. Good Christian Doctors said he overdosed on Awesome and gummy bears. This was a tremendously sad time in America. But fear not, because Reagan had disciples of his own: Newt Gingrich and Rush Limbaugh. The duo took up the mantle of Reagan and boldly pushed America to even greater heights in the 1990s.
But then disaster struck! A philanderer named Bill Clinton replaced Pious Christian Newt Gingrich in 2000. Helpless, America watched Clinton destroy the World Trade Center on 9/11, declare war on Iraq under false pretenses even though Reagan had already killed Saddam Hussein, and drown New Orleans in the sea! If only there had been a Disciple of Reagan in charge, none of those things would have happened!
To make matters worse, after Clinton had done all he could to wreck America The Beautiful, he appointed a crony-capitalist marxist atheist muslim black Kenyan to be his successor! This man, Hussein O'Bummer, killed Wall Street like his evil communist idol Franklin Roosevelt, and took it one step further by destroying our World's Best American Healthcare System. Even his horrible wife enjoyed tormenting the helpless Americans, by forcing them to eat broccoli!
It is a dark time for America, fellow Republicans. What Would Reagan Do?