So I got my second assessment appt last week and finally have an appt with a real doctor for the end of February.
But I'm wondering - how much help will I really get?
This is a vent diary. Because I have to get it out somewhere and maybe get some feedback from people who aren't invested in me fitting certain expectations they have. Or not. It's not exactly exciting.
So the usual questions for these kinds of things - and while I made the cut for "crazy enough to see a doctor", I'm not sure that actually means any help will be forthcoming.
There were a lot of questions about behaviour - and I can tell the nice lady is already zeroing on bipolar - which is not a good fit. I don't have nice clean highs and lows. I don't have manic periods that are manic. I have religious OCD phases and deep depressive phases. I'm weird and mildly autistic, not bipolar.
She was REAL interested in pot smoking and alcohol use. Went back to it several times throughout the interview - which annoyed me. Because everything is addiction, even when it's not. I don't like alcohol. I DO like pot. A lot. But since I'm down here and have no idea where to get any and have no funds - I quit smoking pot. Because that's how it works. I don't need it, I don't have to have it, I don't work that hard to seek it out. I don't whack old ladies over the head and steal their lotto money from their purses. It's just not that big a deal. I can have some when I go back to Oregon. Another sad little goal - something to look forward to when I go home.
And I'm wondering now that I've spent spent some time with my family - am I the only sane one?
Col. CatLady and Mum both swore up and down that he wasn't drinking anymore - but he's drinking tallboys by 2pm and gets belligerent and passes out by 8 pm every night. He blocks everyone in the driveway with his truck and then won't or can't move it because he's drunk - too bad you wanted to go somewhere. We eat dinner at 4:30 - 5:00 pm in a vain hope of trying to slow down the rate it metabolizes. He slept on the couch last night because he was mad at her and refused to say why - so everyone had to be quiet and go to their rooms at 6pm for the night. And his return to drinking started when I got here.
My Mum lies constantly. Constantly. She can't tell a story the same way twice within the span of 20 minutes. I'm the one who was checked out for autism - no, my brother was. No, the neighbour kid was. No, a cousin was. We had therapy for my issues. For her issues. We've never had therapy for anything. On and on and on. She just erases it and says whatever new version fits what she wants to think - and she gets angry when it's pointed out to her.
Then there are the other things. A cat TOLD HER to make a toy for it. EVERYONE hears music all the time. Not ringing in the ears - it's perfectly normal to hear music all the time. Of course animals speak. So do inanimate objects. She picked butter that was open and 6 months old out of the trash tonight because it was "perfectly good" - but she bought 2 more pounds and opened one of them rather than use the "perfectly good" butter I tossed because it was old, open and smelled like everything BUT butter.
She is mean. My Bubbe asked me to look at her fruit trees and sort out what was going on with them - the fruit is very bitter on the citrus. My Mum went out to the trees with me and was stripping leaves, breaking branches - like an obnoxious 6 year old. Kicks over ant hills. Tasting rotten fruit. I was surprised she wasn't shoving it in my face or throwing it at me she was behaving so badly.
I clean the kitchen twice a day every day because I can't stand sitting in (the other TV is in the kitchen) or working in a nasty kitchen. I vacuum whenever I can because the hair irritates me - they do it once a week otherwise. My dad STOPPED me from washing the couch covers so covered in hair they make me itch. Because we do that on Saturday, not Thursday. There was so much hair on them that it felted in the lint collector on the dryer. But they expect me to sit in there with them and watch FOX and "be a family." (I don't. I just can't.)
The other night my Mum asked me if I was feeling better yet. Because being here "with family" should have made it all better by now. I spend my days cleaning the kitchen watching NCIS and/or Kitchen Nightmares (to drown out FOX in the other room), and scoop the litter box by my door (for the 12 indoor cats) at least twice a day. I still caught one pissing all over my door - so the box is worthless.
I got some books at the library so I have been hiding in here reading a lot as well. I nap frequently because I'm exhausted from the drama and the allergies and the not good feeling in the house. I'm up most of the night reading or on my laptop - or both.
I'm not as worried about money, crying constantly or considering drowning myself in the harbour - but I wouldn't call this better in the sense she meant. I have a legal car I can't use because I'm blocked in - so I can't go anywhere alone, or learn how to get places. I have no friends - nor any ways to meet them - see above not able to actually go anywhere. I've developed a paranoia that I will be shot if I go outside beyond the mailbox in daylight because I was pulled over for being "a terrorist" three times on the way here - so I am afraid to walk in the neighbourhood. There was the Social Security incident as well.
So after the SSA incident and the OMG addiction grilling - how much help am I really going to get? I can't be honest with anyone about anything. I sure as hell don't want to be hospitalized and grilled about pot "addiction" and risking rape. No, no thanks. Or not allowed out. I just came here to get some cognitive therapy because I know I have some wrong thinking patterns I can't sort out on my own - I've tried. But I'm not feeling like I'm going to be able to get what I need, just what some stranger thinks I need - see "addiction" and bipolar focus that is not accurate.
I remember clearly why I booked the hell away from home (another state) at 17 unprepared for the civilian world - but I don't think hanging around would have made it any better. Mum insists that they asked me to come with them to Louisiana - no, they didn't. They took off without so much as a we're moving until after the fact.
I'm constantly told I'm selfish, mean, "being ugly", the only thing they aren't harping on is my sex life - because I don't have one, and men don't have to protect their chastity regardless.
I've been informed not to bother with adoption or seeking out kids for myself because my Mum "won't be a good grandmother" - I don't enter into the equation at all. But two weeks ago it was all "I don't have grandkids because you're selfish." If I express anything about my needs - selfish. I'm not supposed to have any.
Col. CatLady gave me some money - but only because HE felt shitty that if I wanted something I had to ask them for money for it. It embarrassed him - not me. Can't spend it or put it in my CU account though - see above car blocked in.
Tomorrow I am leaving for a couple days - but even that was a fight. I'm meeting a friend in Bossier City to hang out - we got a comped room - and I got lectured for being a HUGE gambler - I didn't even know it was a casino town. I wanted to see a friend who lives in Dallas and it was a good in between and a free room. Both of them tried to pretend I hadn't told them. Then they claimed it was another week. Then OMG GAMBLING. Finally I'm going - assuming Col CatLady will let me out of the driveway.
We'll see.