First, many thanks to all of you who helped me on Monday night. I was in a very dark place and just needed to interact with someone. Even if that was just to post that although I was in mental hell at that moment I was still in shock that 2 calls to prominent hotlines were completely useless. I guess in a way the impulse to share that shock in itself was a help.
I did reach out to my Aunt, she helped talk me down, and on Tuesday I did go see my therapist/counselor, who has helped put me back on a more even keel. I only came back to work today for the first time since COB Friday. I really couldn’t stand the thought of seeing this place until today.
Today is the first I’ve logged in for more than a few moments on Tuesday. Quite honestly I was embarrassed to even really log in until now. I do feel like a “Shit Head” for having fallen “So Low”, to have wound up spilling my guts, drunk, on a blog, in the middle of the night to a world of strangers. As I said in “My Story”, how the mighty have fallen….
I wanted to update all of you on how I was doing, and again thank you deeply for your help, thoughts, advice, and wishes.
I have some work to do to pull myself out of this pit. I may have to get back on some SSRIs, or some such, which I really wanted to avoid doing, but I’ll keep working with the professional, and try to keep a positive attitude, which is very difficult given everything that’s going on.
I recently heard an interview with Chris Hayes on NPR (Fresh Air, I believe) where he briefly discussed “Meritocracy”. He was saying how we were all taught all the goodies about “Work hard, Do the right things”, and “We’re going to climb the ladder”, But “how many have done that, especially at the upper middle class level, and have wound up nowhere, or worse” (I paraphrase).
His words struck me because that’s exactly the place I feel I’m at right now, and what’s worse, I now feel like, why am I bothering anymore? I killed myself for 30 years, I did ALL the things I was told to do, the way I was supposed to do them, and what do I have to show for it? The money I put in 401Ks for my retirement never grows to that amazing amount they project, it just gets eaten by the next bubble. My home equity gets swallowed by the next bubble. All that job experience I accrued, training, skill, and expertise is now a liability, because I’m too expensive. My age is a liability because it pushes up a Co’s health care costs. So what’s the point? At this moment I’m simply working to pay the bills, that’s it.
I need to find “A New Hope”… All the things that I had been taught, and were working toward over the last 30 years are gone I believe. I need a new horizon. Once I figure out what that is, how to start driving that direction, and keep paying the bills too. I’ll be in a much better place!
I’ll keep you posted.