A poll commissioned by Hustler Magazine has found that self-identifying conservatives are 89 percent more likely to buy pornographic publications if they are printed with toxic ink on non-recycled paper.
The poll comes on the heels of news that conservatives are less likely to buy energy efficient bulbs if labelled as environmentally friendly.
Hustler's publisher, Larry Flint, commissioned the poll on behalf of a group of pornographic magazines. He revealed some of its findings today at a press conference in Las Vegas, and pulled no punches in doing so:
Look, this poll here makes it clear – in case anyone was confused – that conservatives are not only total hypocrites about their morals and values. Turns out they get turned on by fucking up the world in which these flimsy morals live. Seriously.
The poll shows that, if given the choice between a girl-on-girl issue or an issue printed on pages that came exclusively from virgin forests, 91 percent chose the virgin forests!
When asked what the poll's impact would be on Hustler's printing practices, Flint was clear:
These guys make up three-fourths of our clientele. And they won't buy our magazine unless those pages are from freshly-killed trees and printed with toxic-as-hell ink. So what are we going to do? Kill us some trees, print a lot of these bad boys with cyanide and sell them like hot cakes in red states.
Fox News hailed Flint's announcement, calling it "a huge win for conservatives everywhere who care about freedom."