In what can only be described as the Full Employment Act For Paleo-Pundits, throngs of craven Cretaceous creatures are literally stumbling over one another in their haste to fling themselves off the cliff of relevance and into the Tar Pits of Doom.
While past mass extinctions were attributed to externalities - meteor impacts, climate change, wily little mammals eating the GOPasaurs eggs (or lunch) - this event appears to have been entirely self-induced. Darwin, already spinning in his grave as these creatures have eluded their well-deserved extinction, is approaching launch velocity. Among the species caught up in this epic self-cull are the following "dirty dozen" GOPasaurs whose only remaining benefit to the planet would be their BTu value:
Griftasaurus palinii: this leathery-skinned part-time denizen of the Bering backwoods is best known for her ability to mesmerize her prey by winking. Once in her grip, these hapless creatures willingly surrender their assets, convinced that, this time, her nails-on-a-chalkboard vocalizations are sincere. In the world of the lizard-brained, this Cretaceous con works like a charm, again and again.
Boehnersaurus lachrymosii: having evaded the Reaper by hiding out on lush grasslands, orange camouflage coloration, and masking its natural scent in vats of distilled spirits, B. lachrymosii has ample reason to weep. Unable to corral his own GOPasaur herd, and unwilling to carry out the most basic responsibilities of his position, his entire existence now focuses on maintaining his tenuous grasp on his job, and on reality.
Brontosaurus romneii: Already extinct, you say? This Lazaroid lizard continues to emerge from his cash-filled Caymanian cave from time to time to share his unsolicited insights, careful to avoid any references to the fossil record which reminds votersaurs that B. romneii was the progenitor of healthcare program enacted by Obamasaurus rex.
Bloviasaurus limbaughii: still spewing toxic blasts from his Oxycontin-filled bunker, this heinous creature has lost many of his followers through the efforts of massive Mesozoic Campaigns of Shame. The remaining sponsors of his blathering, eager to avoid co-extinction in his inevitable collapse, are leaving the drainage basin in droves.
Albertasaurus tedcruzii: the Grim Reaper has a special plan for this self-aggrandizing foreign interloper. Fueled by delusions of adequacy, this craven creature has already outgrown the Permian Basin and has its beady eyes set on the White Cave. Birthersaurs - once swarming around the ankles of O. rex, are awash in adoration for A. tedcruzii, unconcerned about his dubious provenance.
Cubanasaurus marcorubio: this hydration-challenged Latinosaur, carrying on his shoulders the hopes of a generation of immigrasaurs, has been satisfying his thirst with Baggasaur Kool-Aid. As a result, he has sunken into the fossil flip-flopping that has claimed so many other GOPasaurs. Unable to placate any faction, he can only watch as his prospects erode like a sand bar in a tsunami.
Louiesaurus gohmertii: elevating hateful ignorance to an art form, this single individual has managed to drag down the already perilously low collective GOPasaur IQ. L. gohmertii's witless utterances and disdain for other life-forms exemplify the "we've-got-ours-screw-you" mentality that spurs mammalian usurpers to accelerate their efforts to convert the Permian Basin's Red Shift.
Gaffasaurus perrii: having shaken himself free of his gubernatorial mantle, this fumbling Texasaur is once more launching himself onto the Continental scene. While his previous fossil faux pas were exacerbated by ingestion of massive quantities of red wine and pain medication, much of the fault lies not in the stars, but in the fact that this is one truly witless creature who cannot locate his posterior with both forelimbs and a flashlight.
Archelon mcconnellii: this already fossilized Kentuckian kritter had its posterior soundly kicked in a recent campaign appearance. Opponents, smelling blood in the water, are circling for the kill, as A. mcconnellii swims further and further to the right to placate the Baggasaurs, who are already laying the fire for a delicious turtle soup, reportedly a favorite menu item at the White Cave
Libertariasaurus randpaulii: considered by some best hope for GOPasaur domination, this Mesozoic monomaniac preaches from the Ayn Rand Petroglyphs, eschewing any assistance from the Federales. The fossil record, however, shows that his drainage basin has been the beneficiary of considerable influx of funds, a fact brought home by his newest nemesis...
Behemasaurus christii: thinner in girth, bloodier in tooth and claw, this Jerseysaur is clearly keeping his options open. Not one to take coprolites from fellow GOPasaurs, B. christii slashes back with the fighting style that will exemplify his neck of the woods in future eras. L. randpaulii has chomped on the wrong GOPasaur in taking on this Mesozoic mesomorph.
Archeopteryx bachmannii: extinction takes many forms, the saddest of which is the rapid deterioration of mental faculties. A. bachmannii, not exactly at top dead center on the flywheel of life, is now spinning out of control in full view of fellow GOPasaurs who considered her a viable contender for the paleo-presidency. Now, she continues her pathetic vocalization while her mate, the curious Marcasaurus, is simply grateful to have her out of the cave for weeks at a time.
There is no shortage of schadenfreude as we witness - in real time - the self-inflicted demise of creatures who have bedeviled us, imperiled our offspring, and trashed our surroundings. It takes a village to chronicle this debacle, and you, dear reader, are encouraged to share your observations in the comments as the drama unfolds.