My stance on gun control is everybody should own a 1985 Nintendo NES Zapper.
When they announced Dennis Kucinich was going to Fox, I assumed they meant "as a character on The Simpsons."
Dear Abby, Does it all end in a big, black void, or are you burning in hellfire for not keeping Lent that one time? Sincerely, Agnostic
Um, uh, has anybody checked whether Lance Armstrong really had, um, cancer?
MacGyver's Hardware - all we sell is rubber bands, toothpicks, and chewing gum.
"As I sat there gazing out the window of the Chuck E Cheese with a blank stare drinking vodka from a sippy cup, I realized life had taken a turn..."
You’ll know we finally invented lightsabers when there's a sudden increase of men missing at least one limb.
Pee makes my asparagus smell weird.