It is, as always, time for our continuing coverage of...!
You know when we built that open, I was worried maybe we wouldn't use it enough to justify how much money it was going to cost, and now I'm worried that 2013 is going to be too limiting. A lot of our attention has been focused on Capitol Hill and the House Republicans, but the President is also a player in all this. What's his mindset with regard to acceding to Republican demands? See if you can read between the lines of his ring and index finger.
BARACK OBAMA (10/7/2013): We're not going to negotiate under the threat of further harm to our economy and middle class families.
BARACK OBAMA (10/8/2013): I'm not budging when it comes to the full faith and credit of the United States.
BARACK OBAMA (10/3/2013): I'm going to repeat it. There will be no negotiations over this.
(in New Jersey accent) "Hey, if I was on Deal or No Deal, I would say no deal. Hey, hey, if I was on Let's Make a Deal, no deal. Hey, if I was on Deal of Fortune, I'd say isn't this show called Wheel of Fortune, and still, no deal."
But what if they don't understand no? Or, NOOOOOOOO!!!!! Mr. President, what do you have in a colorful analogy?
BARACK OBAMA (10/8/2013): When you're and the plant, and you're in the middle of your job, do you ever say to your boss, you know what? Unless I get a raise right now and more vacation pay, I'm gonna just shut down the plant.
I'm pretty sure you just described a union strike.
All right, but clearly the President's point is, you can't punish everybody because you don't get exactly what you want. The Republicans wouldn't take the President's use of metaphorical language lying down, metaphorically. They see your vivid imagery, Mr. President, and raise you a trip to Kinko's for Senator Tom Coburn.
SEN. TOM COBURN, R-OK (10/8/2013): Just for a minute, I'd like for us to consider, and I ask unanimous consent to have some scissors on the floor, because I want to make a point in a minute.
"I would like permission to use scissors?" That is the best evidence yet that our Congress functions at a kindergarten level. (audience laughter and applause)
But no! Continue!
SEN. TOM COBURN, R-OK (10/8/2013): We're $30 trillion dollars in the hole. Plus another $17 trillion in debt. ... Actually, what we should do, is we should cut this credit card up. Which is what I'm going to do, cuz that's the way I vote. I think it's time we quit borrowing money...
Actually, I think I'll just tear it up. It's time we quit borrowing money.
What are you doing?? Do you know how angry the giant whose credit card that is, is going to be?
"Fee, fi, fo, fuck! I needed to buy cargo pants!" My... giant voice.
Angry giant aside, also, I'm pretty sure cutting up the country's credit card doesn't make the debt go away. You still have to pay it. Credit cards aren't like cursed medallions, where I destroy it, and it loses all its power. They still find you.
Actually, though, for the single best illustration of who the Republicans think they are in this fight, versus who they actually are, goes to Senator Mike Lee of Utah.
SEN. MIKE LEE, R-UT (10/8/2013): Suppose that you went to the grocery store, having been informed by your spouse that you need to bring home bread, milk, and eggs.
All right, so you believe you're a family man running errands for French Toast Day. What could be more wholesome?
SEN. MIKE LEE, R-UT (10/8/2013): But we won't allow you to just buy bread, milk, and eggs. In order to buy these items at this store, we will also require you to purchase a half ton of iron ore, a bucket of nails, a book about cowboy poetry, and a Barry Manilow album.
(audience laughter)
You're a family man running errands for French Toast Day, forced to buy poetry and gayish music.
SEN. MIKE LEE, R-UT (10/8/2013): That in some ways is the way that we're asked to spend money here in Congress.
Oh, I get it. You're saying that some people in Congress are being forced to pay for some stuff they don't want, and that's not fair. But unfortunately, that's called being in a country with some people who aren't exactly you.
So let's talk about what's really happening at that store. Everybody chipped in and gave you money to go to the store and buy milk, bread, and eggs. And then you decided on your own, "You know what? I don't fucking like eggs! Eggs are a Communist menace turning our country Muslim! So I'm just gonna buy milk and bread!"
And everybody else is like, "We passed a law that you would buy milk, bread, and eggs! And the Supreme Court upheld... that shopping list!" (audience cheering)
And that's when you burn the fucking store down! (wild audience cheering)
Is there any way out of this mess?
BRIANNA KEILAR (10/2/2013): There's also, I think, a large contingent of Republicans, who even if they were to vote their conscience, would vote for just a clean bill to fund the government.
REP. PETER KING, R-NY (10/2/2013): I can tell you, beneath the scenes — and Joe, you've been there — I would say there's well over 100 who are totally fed up with this policy.
JEREMY PETERS (10/7/2013): There'd be 150 Republican votes if this were a secret ballot.
"180 if they could write fake names! Congressman Dick Hurtz votes Aye!"
So if all these reasonable Republicans want to do the right thing, why don't they?
TOM DOHERTY (10/2/2013): So even when they want a deal, they need cover because they're going to get a primary on their right.
DANA MILBANK (10/6/2013): You've got maybe 50 diehard conservatives in the House, and you've got a 150 Republicans who are terrified of being primaried by one of those.
Oh, so they're willing to let people lose their government paycheck, so that they don't lose their government paycheck. For more, we turn to Capitol Hill Bureau Chief Al Madrigal.
JON STEWART: Al, thank you so much for joining us. This seems crazy. Why are these moderate Republicans hiding behind closed doors?
AL MADRIGAL: Maybe they're afraid of being judged by their families, colleagues, afraid of not being accepted for who they are.
JON STEWART: Judged for what? For being moderate?
AL MADRIGAL: Oh, they prefer the term "bipartisan curious". And there's way more of them than you realize, Jon.
JON STEWART: Well, if they aren't open about their political orientation, then how do they even find each other?
AL MADRIGAL: Oh, it's easy, Jon. They use an app called Votr.
JON STEWART: Votr?
AL MADRIGAL: Yeah, without the "e". You sign up, then other responsible Republicans nearby can see your profile, and decide if they want to meet up.
(audience laughter)
I do a lot of Zumba.
JON STEWART: Yeah, yeah. Cuz that seemed like you, but with better.... What do you use that app for?
AL MADRIGAL: Oh, it helps me find men who will fuck me. (audience laughter) But, who don't want to run through the debt ceiling. It's fiscally safe sex, Jon.
JON STEWART: Al, but can't this group of closeted Republicans understand, man, it's 2013. It's cool. The majority of Americans respect them more if they made the choice to be openly responsible.
AL MADRIGAL: Jon! It's not a choice, it's who you are. You're either born responsible, or you're not.
JON STEWART: Yeah, that's bullshit, Al. Responsibility is something that's taught and learned over time. If people were born responsible, babies wouldn't need diapers. They'd just climb up on the toilet and enjoy a relaxing read like everybody else.
AL MADRIGAL: Wait, so you're saying the Republicans are just being babies and pooping all over the country when they could choose to grow up and be responsible?
JON STEWART: That's what I'm saying, Al.
AL MADRIGAL: Those motherfuckers!
JON STEWART: Yes.
AL MADRIGAL: You know what? When I get on Votr later, I'm gonna give those responsible Republicans a piece of my mind! And then, you know what?
JON STEWART: What?
AL MADRIGAL: I'm gonna fuck 'em.
JON STEWART: OK. Al Madrigal, thank you very much. We'll be right back.
, but not much else.
who wanted to cause a massive traffic jam to force Obama out of office.
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Stephen then showed how Michele Bachmann's replacement in Congress, Tom Emmer (R), is looking to try to be just as stupid as she is with his
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