I'm fifty-three years old, a middle class white guy. I saw the first Star Wars film (now laughably categorized as "Episode Four") when I was a teenager; when it was first released in the late seventies. Even then I recognized it as a washed-out, left-liberal version of the old "Flash Gordon" serials that i used to watch for free on local syndicated broadcast television...
...and I loved it. I loved it from the very first shot of those booming, dooming "overhead" space dreadnoughts, rumbling over us like trains -- a rebellion against the Empire!
..and just a few years later, a white middle class American male in the 1980s thought he was 'of' the Empire. The National Lampoon and PJ O'Rourke in Rolling Stone told the maturing white male marketing demographic that it was cool to be the dominant, racist, coke-doing caste. (I didn't buy that. I knew that was bullshit, because ever since I was a teen I'd worked manual labor.)
But now. at this moment -- FINALLY -- it is my time to shine, personally.There is a role I am perfect for. And I WILL audition for it... It's said to be the lead in the NEW Star Wars film (to be directed by JJ Buffy Marvel Abrams!:)
(CONTINUED)
DISNEY MOVIE LEAD ROLES - COMING TO BRISTOL NEXT WEEKEND pic.twitter.com/ltBcdaUZ5m
SEEKING YOUNG WOMAN TO PLAY 17-18 YEAR OLD. MUST BE BEAUTIFUL, SMART AND ATHLETIC. OPEN TO ALL ETHNICITIES (INCLUDING BI AND MULTI RACIAL).
(That's me! I'm Irish (so I'm beautiful.) And I've fucked Protestants. So my ancestors must have done the same at one time or another -- that makes me "multi-racial," in Protestant eyes ... and I'm also "Bi," because Protestants are lousy lays and that means I have to provide the sexual drive for both genders...)
(I) MUST BE OVER 16.
(Piece of cake! I'm fifty-three! That means that I (a white male of a certain age) am at least THREE TIMES as good as any sixteen-year-old actress! (Hear me out, this must count for something. Hear me out...)
RACHEL - Was quite young when she lost her parents. With no other family, she was forced to make her way in a tough, dangerous town. Now 17, she has become street smart and strong. She is able to take care of herself using humor and guts to get by.)
(THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I DO! I've used "humor and guts to get by," since I was seventeen! And I always thought I was a loser because I did that -- but it turns out that that makes me PERFECT to play a Star Wars multi-racial, bi-heroine!)
Always a survivor, never a victim...
(FUCK! That's me, again!!! On the nose!!)
...she remains hopeful that she can move away from this harsh existence to a better life. She is always thinking of what she can do to move ahead.
(I'm sorry for you: anyone else who was thinking of competing for this role (including you "multi-racial, bi-racial" young women in your teens.) Too bad for all of you. Because this last thing they required here... that means I've fucking nailed this already. "Hopeful that she can move away from this harsh existence to a better life..." ... that's me, in a nutshell, I give that off!... I got this part go home, teenage bitches.)
(You cannot hope (via a performance) to communicate that particular life experience better than I can, at age fifty-three. So you're done; I get this part. I got this wrapped up. Even if I have to wear a harem bikini and my hair in cinnamon-roll curls a la Carrie Fisher in "Empire Strikes Back:" I can do this part better than you, con an audience better than you, teen chicks. You, Ms. Seventeen Year Old "Actress," would merely be trading on your marketable young chick looks, like any "spokesmodel" at the International Cheese or Auto Trade Show...) I, on the other hand, have LIVED this character profile...)
(...but in case I crap out for the "bi/multi-racial undiscovered teen princess" part, I better size up this male supporting role. Let's read on:)
SEEKING YOUNG MAN TO PLAY 19-23 YEARS OLD. MUST BE HANDSOME, SMART AND ATHLETIC. MUST BE OVER 18.
THOMAS - Has grown up without a fathers influence.
(Well... yeah... kinda... I had a dad around, but he was... not.... that strong... (although he DID know where to place an apostrophe in "fathers influence...")
...Without the model of being a man,
(Shit... why dontcha turn the screws a little more, you casting call ad writer douche? Fuck!!!.. (Sorry, Dad, this writer's intent on putting it to ya, but I need this part so I have to put up with his/her cretin shit...)
...he doesn't have the strongest sense of himself, despite this he is smart, capable and shows courage when it is needed.
(Well... YAH!!! I try to bring those qualities to every job I've worked, for the past THIRTY YEARS-- Mr. Obvious DUMBASS! You BET I show courage when it is needed! But if it is not STRICTLY needed, I show my WHITE ASS and RUN! So, YES, I think I can PLAY this HERO that every pre-teen/eternally post-teen, 'consumer goods and service buying' white guy in America can identify with!)
He can appreciate the absurdities in life and understands you can't take life too seriously.
(...It just so happens that that is my MAIN SHIT, Scooby! YES! I happen to BE a wise cracking white guy, who wants to identify with Han Solo's watered down version of Flash Gordon cynicism about "the Empire" --circa 1977! I happen to have SEEN a few American Empires come and go -- since then!! So, I GOT THAT DOWN, bee-yotch (a la the already "deliberately uncool" usage via the writers of BREAKING BAD!)
But never mind that shit! For my time has come! So seriously. Give me that "girl heroine" part, though, not the male one. It's more money, and I finally want to wear the bikini. That would give me a kick and I need that, at this time in my life.