In a series of statements given to reporters, Cardinal Christoph Schönborn of Vienna said the the newly selected Pope Francis is "known to be heterosexual", and "not a pedophile"
The Viennese Cardinal was responding to questions about the deliberations made in secrecy leading up to the selection of the new pontiff, who until today has been known as Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio Of Buenos Aires.
"The Holy See is widely known to have never had homosexual relationships and is known to only be willing to have sex with females" .
"Cardinal Bergoglio has never had sex" with any person "as far as anyone knows." the Cardinal stated.
"The Pope has never shown any interest in having sex with children", continued the Cardinal, "and we believe that includes female children as well as male children".
"The Pope is strongly opposed to abortion." concluded the Austrian Cardinal.