Last night, Jon Stewart took a closer look at some of the insane bills and laws being pushed by Republicans at the state level where the GOP is in control of the government. The three main things were sodomy, zygotes, and welfare.
But Virginia's sodomy laws were struck down by the courts. What's Cooch going to do about it?
KRYSTAL BALL (4/4/2013): Last week ... Ken Cuccinelli filed an appeal to keep Virginia's sodomy laws on the books.
If that law is reinstated, we all know what that means. Because when blowjobs are outlawed, only outlaws will get blowjobs. (audience laughter and applause) Pipe down! You know, the only way to stop a bad guy with a blowjob... (audience laughter) is a good guy with a blowjob.
And now, curing ebola, the former President.
Can I tell you something? That law would make for some very awkward prison cellmate conversations.
"What are you in for?"
"I'm in for sodomy."
"Really? (strokes chin) Interesting!"
"Uh, I mean tax fraud!"
Actually, Cuccinelli wants to use the sodomy laws as a loophole to prosecute someone who had consensual sex with a minor, because while sodomy is still technically illegal under Virginia law, sex with a 15-year-old is apparently fine.
....
STEVE DOOCY (1/29/2013): If your kids don't get good grades — in other words, don't pass — they would cut your welfare benefits 30%.
(audience boos)
Moochers!
Let me see if I get this theory straight. Little Billy is poor, and he's not doing very well in school. I have an idea. What if we made him poorer? And told his family it was his fault?
"Um, last semester my grades were bad, because I was hungry and cold. But this semester, I'm hungrier and colder, and my family isn't talking to me. So, bring on the long division!"
Is Stacey Campfield a state senator, or a villain from a Dickens novel? (audience cheering and applause)
....
Who is this state legislator Stacey Campfield, who wants to turn Tennessee education into the actual Hunger Games?
SUZANNE MALVEAUX (2/6/2013): This comment from Tennessee state senator Stacey Campfield in a Sirius radio interview raised some eyebrows. He said AIDS was transmitted to humans because "one guy" had sex with "a monkey" and then started "having sex with men".
(audience boos)
All right, two things. One, I always knew the man in the yellow hat was bad news.
(wild audience laughter and applause)
Two.... Bi-curious George. (audience laughter)
And two, did you read that sex monkey story in the New England Journal of Bullshit?
STATE SEN. STACEY CAMPFIELD, R-TN (1/28/2013): I'm not expecting these kids to write the Magna Carta. You know, ABCs, 1-2-3s. I think any parent can just about do that.
You believe AIDS began when a guy had sex with a monkey. That's gotta be worth 40% of your salary. (audience cheering and applause)
And you do know, kids who depend on welfare are not the only schoolchildren who receive the benefit of state funding, right? Don't just penalize the poor kids, penalize everyone who benefits in some way from public money, which I believe is everyone.
I mean, I'm tired of my hard-earned money going to police departments that protect rich kids who don't do well in school. So next time this happens:
"Yeah, hey, 911, someone's breaking into my house. What's that? His last math test? Um, I think it was a D. Yeah... hello??"
Video and full transcript below the fold.
Now lately, if you've been watching the television or reading the newspapers, you may have noticed the federal government — thanks to deadlock and inertia, in what many analysts are calling fatheadedness — is not really doing anything when it comes to governing........ Yeah, governing. But the states are picking up the slack. Yes, the meth laboratories of democracy are hard at work tackling all of our nation's most important and pressing issues, as we see in our state laws roundup.
(audience yells out) Sodomy! Zygotes! Welfare!
Oh yeah! Let's put up the big board! Let's do it! (hits buzzer)
Yes! Virginia and sodomy! Because Virginia is for lovers... of the missionary position.
KRYSTAL BALL (4/4/2013): The Republican nominee for Governor in Virginia, a rapidly changing moderate state, has just come out against oral sex and anal sex. Not just the gay kind, the married consenting adult variety as well.
(audience boos)
Wait, what? Wait, there's a married adult oral sex variety?? (audience laughter)
(as stand-up comic) Huh? Am I right, people? Married people know what I'm talking about. Hey, hey, sodomy? I'd settle for some gomorrah at this point! Huh? That guy knows what I'm talking about! Huh? That guy doesn't. She doesn't either. But that, over there. Those three definitely.... But seriously, folks, love is a beautiful thing, the world needs more of it. God bless. Get home safe. Bye.
That was weird. So current Virginia Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli is not a fan of sodomy. He is a penile traditionalist. He likes his sex the way he likes his coffee: hot, black, and exclusively in a vagina. (audience laughter turning to cheering and applause)
Please don't. And now, Jimmy Carter and the guinea worm.
But Virginia's sodomy laws were struck down by the courts. What's Cooch going to do about it?
KRYSTAL BALL (4/4/2013): Last week ... Ken Cuccinelli filed an appeal to keep Virginia's sodomy laws on the books.
If that law is reinstated, we all know what that means. Because when blowjobs are outlawed, only outlaws will get blowjobs. (audience laughter and applause) Pipe down! You know, the only way to stop a bad guy with a blowjob... (audience laughter) is a good guy with a blowjob.
And now, curing ebola, the former President.
Can I tell you something? That law would make for some very awkward prison cellmate conversations.
"What are you in for?"
"I'm in for sodomy."
"Really? (strokes chin) Interesting!"
"Uh, I mean tax fraud!"
Actually, Cuccinelli wants to use the sodomy laws as a loophole to prosecute someone who had consensual sex with a minor, because while sodomy is still technically illegal under Virginia law, sex with a 15-year-old is apparently fine. It is a complicated but serious story.
KRYSTAL BALL (4/4/2013): Cuccinelli's nickname is "The Cooch". I will pause for a moment while you fill in the inappropriate jokes.
Really? Oh, I'm going to make a vagina joke? Grow up, lady! What's next?
(audience) Zygotes!
Kansas, Arkansas, and North Dakota, that's a red state trifecta!
CHRIS JANSING (3/7/2013): Arkansas now has the toughest anti-abortion law in the country on the books, banning abortions after the 12th week
NEWS REPORT (4/6/2013): North Dakota banned abortions as early as four weeks.
LESTER HOLT (4/7/2013): Kansas ... declares that life begins at fertilization.
Kentucky says life begins when a man and woman's hands accidentally touch, reaching for potachos at a Denny's. In Louisiana, it begins from the moment you log on to Craigslist. "What? I just wanted to sell my old Ottoman!"
So in essence, the states are saying, you gotta have the baby-making sex, and you gotta have the resulting baby. Any state laws that might cover what to do with them afterwards?
(audience) Welfare!
Let's head out to the Volunteer State!
STEVE DOOCY (1/29/2013): Let's go out to Tennessee and tell you a little bit about a state senator by the name of Stacey Campfield. He doesn't have children, but he has an idea.
(audience murmurs)
Go on...
STEVE DOOCY (1/29/2013): If your kids don't get good grades — in other words, don't pass — they would cut your welfare benefits 30%.
(audience boos)
Moochers!
Let me see if I get this theory straight. Little Billy is poor, and he's not doing very well in school. I have an idea. What if we made him poorer? And told his family it was his fault?
"Um, last semester my grades were bad, because I was hungry and cold. But this semester, I'm hungrier and colder, and my family isn't talking to me. So, bring on the long division!"
Is Stacey Campfield a state senator, or a villain from a Dickens novel? (audience cheering and applause)
But I guess when the state of Tennessee... if Tennessee's just handing people, you know, $900,000 bucks a month, Tennessee should have some say, right?
NEWS REPORT (4/4/2013): Right now, the current system gives families up to $189 a month for welfare assistance.
Because $190 a month would spoil them.
Who is this state legislator Stacey Campfield, who wants to turn Tennessee education into the actual Hunger Games?
SUZANNE MALVEAUX (2/6/2013): This comment from Tennessee state senator Stacey Campfield in a Sirius radio interview raised some eyebrows. He said AIDS was transmitted to humans because "one guy" had sex with "a monkey" and then started "having sex with men".
(audience boos)
All right, two things. One, I always knew the man in the yellow hat was bad news.
(wild audience laughter and applause)
Two.... Bi-curious George. (audience laughter)
And two, did you read that sex monkey story in the New England Journal of Bullshit?
STATE SEN. STACEY CAMPFIELD, R-TN (1/28/2013): I'm not expecting these kids to write the Magna Carta. You know, ABCs, 1-2-3s. I think any parent can just about do that.
You believe AIDS began when a guy had sex with a monkey. That's gotta be worth 40% of your salary. (audience cheering and applause)
And you do know, kids who depend on welfare are not the only schoolchildren who receive the benefit of state funding, right? Don't just penalize the poor kids, penalize everyone who benefits in some way from public money, which I believe is everyone.
I mean, I'm tired of my hard-earned money going to police departments that protect rich kids who don't do well in school. So next time this happens:
"Yeah, hey, 911, someone's breaking into my house. What's that? His last math test? Um, I think it was a D. Yeah... hello??"
We'll be right back.
Jon then had on Jimmy Carter for the next two segments to talk about his recent work eradicating guinea worms from humans in Africa and Asia. Here are both parts.
Part 1
Part 2
Meanwhile, after introducing him to
Twitter, Stephen talked with both
Bill and Chelsea Clinton at the Clinton Global Initiative University, as well as several college students who have very good ideas that can change the world.
Stephen then looked at how Exxon is
covering up their oil spill in Arkansas.
Stephen talked with controversial Detroit journalist
Charlie LeDuff.