Today, my son turns 8. Here's a picture of him with Danica Patrick whom he met in April at the White House Easter Egg Roll...(and contrary to the rumors, he was NOT responsible for her divorce about a month later!)
8 years ago today, my little one decided he was ready to come early - Tommy was born 2 months premature and weighed barely 4 pounds at birth. He spent 19 days in the NICU and then came home on monitors for another month. It was a rough start for this little boy - but my has he thrived!
Today, Tommy plays baseball on two teams, plays soccer, is in the cub scouts and, as evidenced by the above picture, obvioulsy has a way with the ladies (Takes after his Dad!) He is a happy and healthy young man and we are truly blessed to have him in our lives.
As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse it is, of course, my life's mission to protect all children from experiencing what I did; but even more so for my own boys. I have fought hard to give them the childhood I didn't have - a "normal" childhood. A childhood filled with innocence and first discoveries in a setting of safety and security. A childhood filled with love, laughter and peace rather than a childhood filled with self-hatred, loathing and chaos. Comfort vs confusion, love vs loss, protection vs persecution, and trust vs betrayals.
To that end I have spoken to both of my boys throughout their lives about their own bodies. That no one is allowed to touch them, not mommy, not daddy and not a doctor without mommy or daddy present. I have taught them modesty and privacy - not to be ashamed of their bodies, but rather to be protective of themselves and others - to respect boundaries and others rights to privacy and modesty as well.
I have told my oldest (24) about my abuse, not in graphic detail, but enough to prepare him when he chooses to have children to know the warning signs, to understand what grooming may look like, to identify marked changes in children's behaviors when they are being abused.
And I have taught my littlest one, my now 8 year old, the difference between a "surprise" and a secret - how one is inclusionary, exciting, fun, something you eventually share with others; whereas the other tends to be exclusionary, kept quiet and between just two people and how dangerous that can be.
I am not perfect and I don't do everything right. And I know I cannot protect my children from every bad thing that may happen in this world. But I am aware and I am on guard and I am paying attention. I ask questions - not every day - but probably once every few months like:
"Is there anyone who makes you feel 'icky' to be around?"
"Has anyone ever touched your private parts?"
"You do know you can tell mommy and daddy anything right?"
If there is a mark or bruise I am unfamiliar with (as often happens with boys!) I ask
"How did that happen" and "Did anyone touch you there?"
If he avoids the question, I may ask another bit more probing follow-up or reiterate our previous discussions that his body is his body and no one is allowed to touch him...and that he can always talk to mommy and daddy and never be scared to be in trouble.
It's not an inquisition, and I typically ask around bath/bed time - I'm not peppering him with questions, but rather asking in passing. I am providing him an opportunity to tell if anything is going on.
Often times it is that "one question more" that allows a child to speak up about something that may be amiss in their lives. I know for me, had someone asked me any of the above questions, I would have told earlier...
Today, my little boy is 8.
Happy Birthday, my son