Last night, Jon Stewart looked at how John Kerry "lucked" into possibly resolving the Syria situation without having to go to war, and tore into Fox News for their reaction to this potential good news.
We got into this pickle from an ill-thought out hypothetical statement, a red line. So perhaps the only way out is with an equal and opposite ill-thought out hypothetical statement, according to Newton's theory of relative stupidity. But what kind of Magoo-esque accidental genius could bumblefuck their way into diplomatic success? (picture of John Kerry) "Hello!" (audience laughter)
It's John Kerry to the rescue! Secretary Kerry! In the middle of presenting Kerry's slam dunk case for why we absolutely, positively, must attack Syria, he inadvertently may have found an internationally acceptable peaceful resolution.
9/9/2013:
REPORTER: Is there anything at this point that his government could do or offer that would stop an attack?
JOHN KERRY: Uh, sure. He could turn over every single bit of his chemical weapons to the international community in the next week, turn it over. All of it. Without delay. And allow a full and total accounting for that. But he isn't about to do it, and it can't be done, obviously.
Can't be done! Can't! It's never going to happen! No way! Can't be done! And just to drive the point home as to how ridiculous this possibility was:
BRET BAIER (9/9/2013): The State Department quickly called that a rhetorical argument and not a real proposal from Kerry.
They had to make a separate announcement to say, "Hey by the way, he was just being condescending. And sarcastic."
Well, guess which Middle Eastern despot doesn't appear to understand rhetorical devices.
BROOKE BALDWIN (9/9/2013): Syria's foreign minister says the country "welcomes" a proposal to put its chemical weapons under international control.
Magoo, you've done it again!
(video of Mr. Magoo unknowingly escaping death from a tiger)
Holy shit! Syria is taking him up on his dickish offer! Syria, through the auspices of Vladimir Putin's Russia, would like to take the international community and Secretary Kerry's generous offer to hold their weapons for them. No war, no costs, no blowback! How could any patriot view this as anything but a fantastic development?
STUART VARNEY (9/10/2013): President Obama has just led us into a humiliating defeat.
Defeat?! Who did we lose to?? Sanity?? You beat us this time, rational forethought. But we'll get you.
Who cares how we avoided a war and got a dictator to give up his chemical weapons, if we avoided a war and got a dictator to give up his chemical weapons?
TUCKER CARLSON (9/9/2013): This strengthens Russia and humiliates the United States.
SEAN HANNITY (9/9/2013): Now Vladimir Putin has filled the leadership gap.
CNBC ANCHOR (9/10/2013): I think Lindsey Graham's on the tape saying that the Russians have played us like a fiddle.
FOX BUSINESS ANALYST (9/9/2013): They are now the new cop of the world, and we're not. It's despicable.
GRETCHEN CARLSON (9/10/2013): Now have we handed the power back over to the shirtless Putin?
OK, two things. One, was that guy in a cow suit?
I don't really understand financial news. And #2, ohh, Putin gets the credit. If we caught Charlie Manson, who gives a shit who gets the collar?
And I get that Fox opposes a Syria peace plan because its modus operandi is to foment dissent in the form of a relentless and irrational contrarianism to Barack Obama on all things democratic, to advance its ultimate objective of creating a deliberately misinformed body politic whose fear, anger, mistrust, and discontent is the manna upon which it sustains its parasitic succubus-like existence. (MASSIVE audience cheering and applause)
And uh, but.... Sorry, I blacked out for a second, was I saying something?
But for some reason, even CNN's Chris Cuomo seemed disappointed with the turn of events.
CHRIS CUOMO (9/10/2013): A Russian proposal to have Syria hand over its chemical weapons could change what the President has to say, could change the entire debate. But should it?
Should it? Yeah, on the one hand, geopolitical reality just shifted 100%, but on the other hand, we built this graphic.
Look, cuz isn't that the problem now? News networks aren't invested in right or wrong, they're invested in momentum. Ah, you can take us to war on false intelligence and pretense, but God forbid you rev us up for war, and you don't deliver. The one thing we won't tolerate in this country is a little war foreplay without the payoff. You can make disastrous foreign policy decisions, but you will not give this country a case of blue bombs. We'll be right back.
off the coast of Italy.
about the eccentric heiress Huguette Clark.