Last Friday, Bill Maher blasted both conservatives that cheat to win elections, and obnoxious liberals who turn off people from voting for their side.
And finally, New Rule: somebody has to tell me how do they do it? How do Republicans win elections? According to a new poll, only 6% of likely voters think Congress is doing a good job. Only 14% think it's passed any legislation that will improve their lives. Yet all the experts predict that come November, the House will remain Republican-dominated, and the party will clean up. Which is ironic, because all the actual cleaning up of America is done by Democrats — and by that I mean environmentalists and Mexicans. (audience laughter)
Now, I can understand how people used to vote Republican. Eisenhower seemed like an OK guy, and even if Republicans weren't all that interested in black people, women, or dolphins, you could still see how half the people could vote for them half the time. But how the hell do they do it now? They're so much crazier. And there are so many more of us.
Look at all the big issues Democrats have on their side by big margins. 71% want to raise minimum wage. 88% want background checks for guns. 80% support a path to citizenship for illegals. 90% support an equal pay law for women.
Republicans are against all of it. So how do they win?
I'll tell you how. They employ a complex multifaceted technique political scientists call "cheating". (audience laughter) Gerrymandering the districts, voter ID laws, purging the voter rolls, shortening the voting period, preventing anyone who's been to prison from voting, eliminating same-day registration, putting up billboards in poor black neighborhoods that say "Don't Vote. There's Ghosts In There!"
(audience laughter)
But that is not the only trick Republicans have up their sleeve. Even more than cheating, what Republicans have done is tap into the deep, rich vein of cultural resentment that runs through America's heartland like an artery clogged with hate-butter. And liberals, to be fair, sometimes make it pretty easy for them to do that.
When Gwyneth Paltrow said her divorce was a "conscious uncoupling", even I wanted to jump in a truck, crank up the Lynyrd Skynyrd, and shoot up a farmer's market. (audience laughter)
And as a comedian, I don't like it when political correctness Nazis hound me to censor every joke, and apologize for every slight. And when I have to learn how to pronounce words like "chai" and "quinoa", I just want to shove a head of kale up their ass! (audience laughter)
They mean well, but sometimes when I'm at Whole Foods, I don't want to sign petitions and give to charity. I just want to go in and get a $15 dollar lentil sandwich that'll make me fart for a week! (audience laughter and applause)
I also, for example, think it's ridiculous that Facebook has now decided we have to choose in our profile from 56 different genders — including transgender, cisgender, and of course, Bruce Jenner. (audience laughter)
You know that I once almost ate at Chick-Fil-A? Just because so many people were telling me I shouldn't eat at Chick-Fil-A! But then I remembered, it's Chick-Fil-A. (audience laughter) But even atheists make me roll my eyes sometimes, like when they sued to have a cross taken down from a building. Oh, for fuck's sake, we're atheists, not vampires! (audience laughter) You can't handle seeing a cross now, and then you pick the wrong country!
So I get it, liberals can be obnoxious. And that's why lots of Americans say we don't want politicians nagging about what we can name our football team, or how big our soda can be, or what we can eat, or who we've offended. We have wives for that!
But don't cut off your nose to spite your face. One of the Republicans' strongest voting blocs is low-income whites who didn't go to college. These are people who desperately need a minimum wage hike. Need unions. They need health care. But not if it's got Obama's name on it!
Remember, for every liberal with a cause who makes you go, "Oh, just shoot me!", there's a conservative with a gun who will.