Merriam-Webster defines insidious as:
causing harm in a way that is gradual or not easily noticed
Farther down in the definition it states:
of a disease : developing so gradually as to be well established before becoming apparent
This is how I would describe Depression.
My own struggles with this disorder probably began in childhood, when it became apparent to a five year old child that the world was out to victimize her. From that point on, I believe I was on guard against everyone, even relatives, which turned out to be wise beyond my years. No details will be given of my close brushes with child molestation, but be assured they still affect me to this day, even though none of those attempts were successful.
My mental health was in jeopardy then, at five years old when I should have been playing with dolls and riding bikes and having a carefree childhood, and no one knew. Not that they would have understood or known what to do. By the time I was 13, we had moved at least that many times and I began closing myself off, finding it too painful to lose friends and make new ones.
I am the classic example of a child neglected in their emotional needs. Looking back, I realize I never felt safe or wanted. How could I, when I had been told I was the product of a loveless marriage? An accident due to my mother's need to get away from her own father. Latchkey child, child at risk, potential troublemaker, all those labels apply to me.
I didn't know it at the time, but I had a parent struggling with their own mental disorder and it was exacerbated by the life choices she had made as well as by her own out of control Diabetic condition. I don't believe that I ever felt that I was connected to my mother. All I ever felt was that I was burdensome.
So with that already bottomed out self esteem, Depression became a part of my life, waxing and waning at will, causing extreme pain emotionally and physically. Outwardly, you might think I'm the strongest person in the world, that nothing can take me down and I worked hard to maintain that facade, but when medical trauma entered the picture it all changed.
There are several causes for Depressive Disorder, there isn't just one reason and it takes it's time in bringing you to your knees.
In my case, I watched as parts of my body were lost to a disease, I watched as I lost my job due to my illness, I watched almost like I was on the sidelines, and one morning I woke up wondering why I bothered to wake up. I lay there looking out the window at the sunny day and asking myself where the nearest Mental Hospital might be. I saw no hope to go on, I felt no joy, I only felt that gut wrenching ache and tears streaming down my face. I couldn't even tell you why.
I had friends then, I had family...and I knew they were there. It didn't stop the darkness from descending upon me, and if all this sounds too dramatic, I don't know how else to tell you that it was real inside me. Years of damage and years of keeping it all inside just spilled out of me when I finally went to talk to someone, but talking about it never makes it go away and everyone you meet professionally after that first contact, wants to hear it again.
Eventually I stopped therapy. It became too painful to go and ironically too painful not to go. A no win situation. I chose to live without therapy and I still struggle hard with the depressive disorder, but I recognize it now and that is half the battle.
If you feel down more often than not, if you no longer want to do the things you used to enjoy, if you begin to isolate yourself from friends and family, if you lose your appetite for food, sex or life, please consider that you may be in a depressive state and it is real. Talk to someone, call a hotline, write down your feelings, go outside and scream, but whatever you do....decide to live.