I am having a difficult time. I am in a bad place. I am struggling through a series of hard days and I do not see an end to them any time soon.
I've also been on short sleep for a while. I am wiped out and weary on a very deep level.
The evening stretches out empty before me and although I am tired I am also too uneasy to sleep. It is hard to explain.
So I am sitting here with my holding cross until I come up with a better idea.
Welcome, fellow travelers on the grief journey
and a special welcome to anyone new to The Grieving Room.
We meet every Monday evening.
Whether your loss is recent, or many years ago;
whether you've lost a person, or a pet;
or even if the person you're "mourning" is still alive,
("pre-grief" can be a very lonely and confusing time),
you can come to this diary and say whatever you need to say.
We can't solve each other's problems,
but we can be a sounding board and a place of connection.
Unlike a private journal
here, you know: your words are read by people who
have been through their own hell.
There's no need to pretty it up or tone it down..
It just is.
A holding cross, aside from any religious significance, is a piece of wood carved in a very specific ergonomic design.
Similar to a worry stone, you just hold it. That's all. You don't have to pray, or say anything, or do anything. Just hold it.
It feels good in my hand. The edges are rounded over and smooth, and through the years I've owned it I have worn it down and made it even more smooth and in subtle ways the wood has conformed itself to my fingers. The quality of the wood is solid. It is just the right thickness. It almost feels like holding a human hand.
My holding cross is strangely comforting on days like this.
When I anticipate a tough day ahead I slip it in my pocket as I am going out of the door for the day. When I need to hold it, no one needs to know. I just put my hand in my pocket and and close my fingers around it. I hold it for a while. Somehow it calms and focuses and comforts me.
I've been carrying it every day for the last couple of weeks.
I am holding it right now.
That's all I've got tonight.