Deer Pupils, irises, lenses, and retinas:
It hath been far too long without the appropriate pun-ishment. So without further ado, gilding the lily, or needless delay, here we go.
From the Church of Ineffable Stupidity:
1. Because Ebola is so hard to catch, America's response should be:
a. Concealed carry gun toting patriots should be scouring the borders, airports, banks, police stations, schools, and areas where minorities are known to congregate to locate and shoot down Ebola in its tracks. Ever notice how close "Ebola" is to "Obama?" Coincidence? I think NOT!
b. Ban anyone who owns a passport from the country. After all, what true blue patriot would ever want to leave the bestest country with the bestest economy, bestest christians, and bestest medical care in the world? Answer: only traitors, socialists, college grads, muslins, and Democrat Partiers would ever find a reason to leave. Since Ebola is obviously an attack by Al Qaida, if we ban all foreign travel, we will never get attacked.
c. Build a bigger, finer, and stronger net or sieve, at least 13,400 square meters large. The problem has to be that Ebola either avoids our net, or slips through it. Build a big enough, and we are sure to catch them little suckers.
d. Nuke Africa. Besides, if we don't use our nukes, they go stale.
e. Prey.
2.ISIS is a clear and present danger. Therefore America should:
a. Concealed carry gun toting partiots should be scouring the borders, airports, banks, police stations, schools, and areas where minorities are known to congregate to locate and shoot ISIS in its tracks.
b. Ban anyone who owns a passport from the country. See generally, #1.
c. Nuke Africa. Besides, if we don't use our nukes, they go stale.
d. send 13,400 marines to invade Syria. Just because.
3. Scientists have discovered a high energy particle that is simultaneously both a particle and its anti-particle. Therefore, we should call it:
a. the Palin - If ever both of her functioning brain cells should ever occupy the same space, the resulting energy blast would rival the light from 13,400 suns.
b. the Quirk, cuz the Quark was already taken.
c. Sparky
d. Daedalus. Majorana Fermion just doesn't cut it.
4. Water vapor was found on a Neptune sized exoplanet (outside of our solar cistern). This will result in:
a. The Koch Brothers grabbing it and polluting it while fracking for hydrocarbons.
b. Walmart will bottle it and sell it for obscene profits, while firing any low paid employee who dares drink a bottle without paying for it. (after Walmart removes all water fountains from the stores)
c. Bruce Rauner will use the water to outsource 13,400 more domestic jobs in Illinois.
d. Republican christians will claim it is all a scientific fraud, intended to teach people that the universe is more than 7000 yrs old.
5. A pre-Clovis society has been discovered in Oregon, more than 13,400 years old. This means that:
a. Ralph Reed will be shitting bricks
b. Bryan Fischer will be shitting concrete blocks
c. Ted Cruz will be shitting 13,400 Legos
d. Sarah Palin will be shitting on everyone who dares mention her clan's drunken attack on fellow partiers.
6. A new Lab on a Microchip could serve as an early cancer detector for humans. This will cause:
a. Great despair among Tea Buggerers, since they are a cancer on our body politick.
b. Lead to early treatment with lower side effects.
c. A ban by the FDA as being too effective. Fearing a huge loss of income, Oncologists and Chemotherapy drug manufacturers will buy out the rights and hide the technology.
d. Jeezus, Pastor Ag. You are being really cynical today. The drug companies won't hide the technology. They will simply charge 13,400% of the actual cost (including R&D) for patients, making it too costly for most patients.
7. AIDS drugs often lose their potency because the retro-virus mutates so quickly. New computing power is designing new and improved drugs to stop it in its tracks. This will lead to:
a. The American Family Association claiming that computers are Satan's playthings.
b. The accidental and unintended creation of a mutating algorithm that unites 13,400 supercomputers worldwide against us pesky bags of mostly water.
c. A breakthrough in other medical fields, leading to lifespans that exceed 120 years.
d. Calls by christian conservatives to ban all research because clearly the retro-virus was sent by god in response to gay marriage.