Or, How I was Really Mad America Took My Favorite Holiday and Screwed It All Up, But I Learned to...
Well, OK, I’m still mad.
I realize that getting torqued off about the way people are celebrating the holidays puts me on a course to become a FoxNews Christmas fetishist. But at this point in my life, my personal totem is the Egyptian God of Frustration, Arg-Ra. So why not fight the battle of T-Day?
Let’s look at why we should rename this particular holiday below the Cheetoh.
Let’s face it, America needs to relook at its national holidays and the naming thereof:
Walk the calendar with me:
New Year’s Day is relatively safe, although we could rename it National Hangover Day. But who wants to be that brutally honest first day of the year?
Martin Luther King Day - the first time I set foot in Baltimore, Maryland (we moved there for a job), an adorable little old lady neighbor came up and explained to me the garbage pick-up days: “They come on Mondays and Thursdays except on Christmas and N****r Day.” At that time, you rarely heard that sort of thing in public. Now it’s on FoxNoise, just barely covered up. My proposal for a renaming is “Martin Luther King Day Deal With It Bitches.”
Valentines Day - Can we just name this “National Greeting Card and Florists Day” and be done with it? I’m as romantic as the next person, but a national day that really benefits the greeting card industry, florists, restaurants and jewelry stores... that doesn’t seem really romantic to me. You want to be romantic? Do so randomly, not when forced to by a calendar date.
Presidents Day - I am so old I recall when we used to celebrate Washington’s and Lincoln’s birthdays separately. I’m pretty sure it was only school children and bank employees who actually took those days off. With Presidents Day, I am personally offended that I have to “honor” Nixon, Hoover and Reagan in the same lump with FDR, Lincoln, Kennedy and Clinton. How about we just skip this one and declare an arbitrary February Monday and call it “National Day Off Because It’s Still Freaking February”?
Mother’s Day - See Valentines Day. Call it Part 2. You should honor your mother every day. Or not. Call her once in a while. Or not.
Memorial Day - Once upon a time, this was about honoring our war dead. People actually went to cemeteries, cleaned the place up, had a picnic there. Now we ignore the veterans (though we sure like making them), and just have the hot dogs and burgers. Let’s just call it “National Picnic Day.”
Father’s Day - see Mother’s Day. National Greeting Card Day Part 3.
Fourth of July - Seriously, who really cares that this was/not the day they finalized the Declaration of Independence? Pass the hot dog! I vote for “National Fireworks Day.”
Labor Day - If FoxNews ever realized this holiday was set aside to honor Labor and Unions and Workers’ Rights, they’d have a fit and it would be abolished. Also, if you’re anything like me, you have labored on this day, without any actual holiday pay. Let’s rename it “National Picnic Day Part 2.”
Columbus Day - Are you fuking kidding me? Yes, let’s rename this holiday ASAP. But steer away from “National Mattress and Furniture Sales Day.” I’ve seen votes for “Indigenous People Day.” I’d go with that. But I also like “National Make Fun of White Men Who Won’t Ask for Directions Day.”
Veteran's Day - Parades and ceremonies honoring veterans are great. But here's a better idea: Let's lose this holiday entirely and honor our veterans by giving them decent benefits, getting the ones who need counseling and mental health care what they need, housing and job training, and taking care of their medical bills for life. Also, stop creating more veterans!
Thanksgiving - My favorite holiday until the last 5 years. A national day of hanging out, making and eating food you wouldn’t think about stuffing in your gob the rest of the year, talking to your relatives (and being reminded why you don’t chat often) and watching football. What could be better? Well, retailers have decided, shopping for over-priced geegaws no one will recall getting in 10 years (or maybe even next year) would be better. And forcing low-wage employees to work instead of being with their families is even mo’ bettah! I get really really angry about this change. So, to deal with my increasing blood pressure issues, I’ve decided to rename this holiday “National Gluttony Day.” This way, I don’t get mad at people who shop on this day. Gluttony covers the idiots who think they’re getting a deal on this day as well as folks who overeat. I feel better already! (Pass the tofurkey, please.)
Christmas - The Pilgrims arrested anyone who celebrated Christmas. Pastors who gave a Yule sermon were put in the stocks. So why is it that FoxNews, who worships our “Founding Fathers” obsessively, skip over this part? My mother, a devoted Fox watcher, screams “Merry Christmas” at everyone. She’s agnostic. She also fetishizes the whole gift and eating part. Yes, my family is a bit complicated. Since we know Christ wasn’t born on this particular day, how about we call it “Winter Solstice Day” and move it over a couple of days to the 21st. We can still give presents and overeat.
There. Your calendar is now fixed. You’re welcome. And Happy National Gluttony Day!