In an appearance last night on Sean Hannity’s Fox News program, former Vice President Dick Cheney emphatically denied he was former Vice President Dick Cheney.
“There can be no doubt,” Mr. Cheney said in a prepared statement, “that we are two different people with distinctly different DNA.”
To support his claim, Mr. Cheney volunteered to produce a sample of DNA from his recently acquired heart for comparison. As an added feature of this procedure, Mr. Cheney expected the DNA extraction from his heart would also settle the controversy over whether or not he actually had one.
“Just undergoing this surgical procedure will be sheer torture,” Mr. Cheney claimed, “but it will be worth it to settle these ridiculous assertions” that he was once a strong proponent of the CIA’s torture program "currently being debated."
In response to a question from Mr. Hannity about equating surgery with torture, Mr. Cheney explained that he intends to undergo the procedure without anesthesia in order to conserve the country’s supply of sedative medication for his supporters.
“It might hurt a bit, but the information it will provide, and the people it will protect, will most certainly prove worthwhile,” Mr. Cheney said.
Mr. Hannity thanked the former Vice President for letting the nation know who he really wasn't and effectively putting to rest any presumption that he had played a part in the CIA's torture program, "which we all now know never actually existed in the first place."