From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Massive apologies to the Night Before Christmas dude.
The Gift of the Moran
Twas the night before the weekend and over in the House
A crappy budget was passed---there was reason to grouse
And then it was shuttled to the Senate with care
In hopes that on Monday it might be stopped there.
The senators were flying home to their warm comfy beds
While vapors from bourbon muddled their heads;
And bloggers blogged madly over the bill full of crap
"It's a present for Wall Street, all neatly gift-wrapped!"
When over on Twitter there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my porn Bible lesson to see what was the matter.
Away to the home page I flew like a flash,
"BREAKING: Senators' free weekend is about to crash!"
The moon on D.C. made the Capitol glow,
As if in a spotlight for a really big show,
When what to our wondering eyes did appear,
But the junior Texas senator and his ever-present leer
With a wattle that wiggled so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment Ted Cruz planned a trick.
More rapid than pissed-off eagles back all the senators came,
As Ted whistled, and shouted, and explained his new game:
"No amnesty! No illegals! No Executive action!
No tyranny! No lawlessness from this Obama faction!
Lock the chamber down! Begin the roll call!
Now vote my way! Vote my way! Vote my way all!"
And then, as I was tinkling, I heard on C-SPAN
That Cruz had failed---by 52 votes---on his dastardly plan.
As I zipped up my fly, and was turning around,
Onto the floor the majority leader came with a bound.
Reid's eyes---how they twinkled! His demeanor---how merry!
His cheeks were like roses---this was one jolly Harry!
And pounding his lectern with slap-happy ease
He shouted, "Start the clock now on the President's nominees!"
A list of names he held tight in his hand,
Judges and secretaries, both exciting and bland
The icing on the cake: a Surgeon General most worthy
The NRA's nightmare: Vivek Hallegere Murthy.
Harry spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
Making Ted Cruz look like the world's dumbest jerk,
The nominees were confirmed, some by a nose
And giving a nod, the majority leader rose;
He unclipped his mic, the chamber adjourned,
Republicans fumed 'cause they'd all just got burned.
And I heard Reid exclaim as Cruz slunk out of sight---
"Hey buddy! Don’t bring a knife to a #!!@&%! gun fight."
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, December 17, 2014
Note: If you're not quite into the Hanukkah spirit yet, I've got four words that'll do the trick: try my pot latkes.
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5 days 'til Fa La La La La!
By the Numbers:
Days 'til 2015:
15
Days 'til the next Bronner Family Sing Along at
Bronners CHRISTmas Wonderland in Frankenmuth, Michigan:
5
Rank of Hawaii, Vermont and Massachusetts among America's healthiest states:
#1, #2, #3
Rank of Mississippi, Arkansas and Louisiana among America's unhealthiest states:
#1, #2, #3
(Source: annual United Health Foundation data)
Rise in wholesale prices over the last 12 months:
1.4%
(Source: Labor Dept.)
Percent of all overdue debt showing up on credit reports that have to do with medical bills:
52%
(Source: CFPB)
Average on-time record of airlines in the early morning and in the evening, according to FAA data:
85%, <70%
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 183 (including 5 false prophets and 1 false alarm). Soul Protection Factor 4 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Have a nice flight.
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CHEERS to the Obamacare juggernaut. Two days ago the deadline passed for people who want to sign up for a new health insurance plan in time for coverage to start on January 1. So how did we do? According to Charles Gaba---aks Kossack Brainwrap---pretty effing great: 4.5 million. And here's something else that's happening right on schedule: thanks to Obamacare, Mainers and people across the country are able to strike out on their own and break free of "job lock"…
My favorite ACA graphic.
[T]his fall, [Lisa Mae] Parker began Cakes for All Seasons---her home baking venture---and she’s now busy designing elaborate gingerbread houses and wedding cakes. Parker says the Affordable Care Act gave her the freedom to leave her job and join the ranks of the self-employed.
Some economists and health experts say the ACA is spurring people to quit their jobs to pursue self-employment---and the trend is already starting to reap benefits for the economy as people feel free to pursue their desired careers. While the numbers are just starting to roll in because key ACA reforms have been in place less than a year, a 2014 report says 7,000 more Mainers will be self-employed in the coming years, in large part due to the new law.
What? Democrat Barack Obama has created conditions in America that promote more rugged individualism, entrepreneurship and boot-strap-up-pulling??? No wonder Republicans are so pissed---he's stealing their act.
Sure. Yeah. Awesome. USA.
JEERS to the fantasies of the shoulda-been. It was all set in stone---Jeb was the anointed son to follow in his daddy's preznidential footsteps. It didn’t work out that way, though, and Jeb and Dad have spent many nights crying over the way their idiot son Dubya turned the Bush brand into the New Coke of the new century. But the lure of The Precious is too strong, so Jeb has started preparing for a White House run by
releasing 25,000 emails from his time as Florida governor. Meanwhile, I came across
this little tidbit about #43 from 2009. Seems we're about due for a big ol' document dump:
Computer technicians have found 22 million missing White House e-mails from the administration of President George W. Bush and the Obama administration is searching for dozens more days' worth of potentially lost e-mail from the Bush years, according to two groups that filed suit over the failure by the Bush White House to install an electronic record keeping system. …
It will be years before the public sees any of the recovered e-mails because they will now go through the National Archives' process for releasing presidential and agency records. Presidential records of the Bush administration won't be available until 2014 at the earliest.
Turns out the Bush White House didn't have much of a hankerin' to preserve their emailificatin' program related activities, but they got preserved anyway. Early word has it that Bush's emails are mostly routine: meeting notices, policy briefs, and requests for permission from Dick Cheney to go to the bathroom.
CHEERS to the original airhead. On this date in 1903, after paying a $45 luggage fee, shuffling shoeless through security and spending eight-hours on the tarmac next to a screaming baby, Orville Wright made the first controlled, sustained flight in a power-driven airplane at Kitty Hawk on North Carolina's Outer Banks:
"Hey, baby. Ever hear
of the mile-high club?"
Because the Wrights wanted a strong wind for their next test flight, they waited until the early morning of December 17 to signal the station. At the time of the flight, there was a 23–27 mile-an-hour wind, and it was bitterly cold. ...
Wilbur and Orville flipped a coin to see who would fly first. At 10:35 a.m., as the plane left the ground, Daniels, using Orville's camera, took a photograph of the first plane in flight with Orville at the controls and Wilbur alongside.
The jalopy-of-the-skies was in the air for less than a minute. It would've been longer but they ran out of booze.
CHEERS to that little scamp on popemobile wheels. Happy birthday (and many blessings on your camels), Pope Francis! He's 78 today. Last year he accomplished a rare feat by winning our C&J "Who won the week" poll four times…all in a five-month period. He's not about to un-tether the Catholic church from the old ways, but at least he's opening discussions on contentious issues and is ditching a lot of the fire-and-brimstone rhetoric of his predecessors. Oh, and I think it's very thoughtful of him to help close down our Guantanamo torture prison since our moral compass is so busted these days:
Don't get too cocky.
The offer came during talks between the pontiff's Secretary of State, Pietro Parolin, the number two in the Vatican hierarchy, and John Kerry, the US Secretary of State. Vatican spokesman Federico Lombardi said the Holy See welcomed recent signs President Barack Obama appears to have accelerated efforts to close the controversial facility where some detainees have been held for more than a decade without charge and tortured.
The pope made clear his feelings on the kind of abuses associated with Guantanamo in October, when he railed against the "penal populism" that led to countries facilitating torture, using the death penalty and incarcerating people without trial.
Because he's exceeded our expectations, we're sending him an invitation to visit the C&J kiddie pool when he visits the U.S. next fall. We'll need to start cleaning up now. I'll call the dumpster company and order a few dozen.
JEERS to lame attempts at swaying the tin-foil hat crowd. On this date in 1969, the U.S. Air Force closed its Project "Blue Book" by concluding there was no evidence of extraterrestrial spaceships behind the thousands of UFO sightings they'd investigated. It might have been more credible if the spokesperson delivering the news hadn't been speaking out of both sides of his tentacle.
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Five years ago in C&J: December 17, 2009
JEERS to writing about "him" in C&J! Sorry, but this is simply amazing and may, in fact, be a sign of the apocalypse. Tiger Woods' and George W. Bush's approval ratings are now indistinguishable from each other. If you go outside today, wear a helmet. Fireballs may be raining from the sky.
EH, WHATEVER to Time magazine. Their "Person of the Year" is Ben Bernanke. I fell asleep three times while writing that sentence.
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And just one more…
JEERS to traffic TIE ups. Heads up, everyone---there may be a delay during your morning commute:
Triple-A is on the way.
Have a nice Wednesday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
"I haven't seen Bill in Portland Maine smile like this in years. I don't like it one bit."
---Sen. Lindsey Graham
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