From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Yesterday we recapped the first four months of 2014, sealed 'em in a lockbox, wrapped the lockbox in chains and tossed it off a pier. They can never hurt us again.
In August a team of cats wins the National
Water Ski Championship for the first time ever.
This morning we dispense with the middle third of the year, starting with May.
During those 123 days we saw growing employment numbers, the Netroots Nation convention in Detroit, the U.S.-Africa Summit, "Hands up! Don't shoot!", the VA reform bill, a European probe making sweet love to a comet it found on match.com, and Obamacare not only having a pulse but doing marathons. We marked the 70th anniversary of D-Day. Gay marriage stormed into Dixie and recreational pot went on sale in Washington state. Oh, and you may have heard that Obama was impeached in the House and convicted in the Senate for wearing a tan suit.
Below the fold is the second of our three-part series called, 2014: Eh, Coulda Been Better Coulda Been Worse. We've rounded up some of White House shutterbug Pete Souza's great pics, plus stats, late-night snark and newsy bits from May through August. You'll laugh. You'll cry. You'll beg me to seal this post in a lockbox, wrap it in chains, and toss it off a pier.
Your wormhole to the past opens up again below the fold... [Swoosh!!] Right now! [Gong!!]
Note: After posting our final 2014 installment tomorrow, we'll be celebrating the new year with the relatives we saved from Obamacare death panels by stashing them on an ice floe under the care of hungry polar bears. We'll return Monday to start documenting whatever 2015 brings, starting most likely with hangovers.
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Your Pup Pic of the Day: Pup's first swim
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C&J 2014 Flashback: May
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President Obama looks at a jersey worn by Hall of Famer Jackie Robinson
during a tour of the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, N.Y. on May 22.
For starters: Oklahoma botches an execution as bad as it could be botched, Israel cut off peace talks with Palestine, Syria is still a mess, storms are huge and deadly down south, the armed Cliven Bundy gun nuts are setting up roadblocks in Nevada for god-knows-why, kidnappings and forced marriages of hundreds of young women are happening in Nigeria, there's been another oil-car train derailment (Virginia this time), East Ukraine more closely resembles the wild west, and there was a shooting spree in a Georgia town where everyone is required to own a gun to prevent shooting sprees. It's all downhill from here.
Voters in Crimea vote in a landslide to give Crimea back to Russia. Meanwhile Karl Rove, armed with his own math, insists Crimea will go for Mitt Romney once all the votes in Ohio are counted.
Private-sector job creation is stronger than expected at 288,000, but the labor force shrinks in April, coinciding with the first full month after open enrollment for Obamacare ended. The conclusion from this jobs report is obvious: the death panels are working.
By the Numbers
• Portion of millionaires surveyed who favor tax hikes on themselves and an increase in the minimum wage: 2/3
• Percent increase in the size of the big Wall Street banks since 2008: 38%
• Percent of Congress represented by men and women, respectively: 81%, 19%
• Number of fires the California Department of Forestry and Fire Protection has responded to this year, versus a rolling average of 800 per year: 1,500
• Number of college students who are graduating in the U.S. this year: 1.6 million
• Age of Lucy Li, who qualified to play in the U.S. Women's Open: 11
• Median age of The O'Reilly Factor viewers: 72
The House holds hearings on Benghazi. Answers are demanded, tempers flare, umbrage is taken and fingers are pointed. By the end of the day, Joe Biden is sworn in as president after Barack Obama flees town with his Kenyan birth certificate and a steamer trunk full of arugula from the White House garden strapped to the back of a pimped-out Cadillac. This according to a textbook approved by the Texas Board of Education.
The feds release a major climate-change report. Among the conclusions for Maine: the spread of invasive plant and insect species, and more frequent heat waves. Republican Governor Paul LePage promises to turn the report over to his staff for serious consideration, then walks back to his office, turns the report over to his staff, and tells them to seriously consider if they'd rather shred it or burn it.
President Barack Obama talks with a family in tornado-ravaged Vilonia, Ark., May 7.
The President speaks at the dedication of the National September 11th Memorial and Museum. Darrell Issa openly wonders if the memory of the September 11 attacks on New York City are being used as a distraction from the memory of the September 11 attacks on Benghazi. Even Michele Bachmann is like, whoa, dude, dial it back.
In addition to legalization in Pennsylvania and Oregon, gay marriage begins its march into Dixie as marriage licenses are issued in Arkansas. All the bigots who claimed they'd rather die first on biblical principle than allow it to happen decide, meh, whatever, the Bible's just a guide anyway.
Senator Marco Rubio of Florida dismisses the fact that humans are contributing to catastrophic climate change, ridiculing the avalanche of hard science as a "notion." Moments later, half of the western Antarctic shelf breaks off and slices Rubio's gated mansion off its foundation, eventually turning his back yard into what is now marked on maps as Lake Told Ya So.
Late Night Snark
Clip of Nevada rancher Cliven Bundy defending his racist comments: If I say 'negro' or 'black boy' or 'slave' [and] those people can not take those kind of words and not be offended then Martin Luther King hasn’t done his job yet.
Jon Stewart: Yeah…it's his fault! Why did that guy quit before finishing his job? Somebody should call him and tell him to stop slacking and get back to work.
---The Daily Show
"Hannity ate up that [Bundy and his armed "patriots"] story so hard, Bundy should have charged him grazing fees."
---Stephen Colbert
"A British ice cream maker has created a new flavor of ice cream that mixes champagne and Viagra. Perfect for anyone who wants to eat something that tastes like Donald Trump's burps."
---SNL's Cecily Strong
"Republicans have pounced [on the problems at the VA]. They're outraged. They say, 'How dare you lie about caring for the people who got hurt in the war we lied them into?!!"
---Bill Maher
Petro Poroshenko, a billionaire chocolate manufacturer, claims the Ukrainian presidency with after a crushing election victory. His opposition is hobbled by the fact that they were makers of cod liver oil lollipops, deep-fried pig spleen gumdrops, and asbestos cotton candy on a stick with a nail in it.
As the North Carolina legislature re-convenes, the Moral Monday protesters discover new rules have been put in place by Republicans to silence them. Asked if they would fight the rule changes, organizers said, "You're darn tootin' we will!" Moments later Republicans ban tootin'.
Calling for higher wages and bargaining rights, fast-food workers across the US (and in 33 other countries) walk off their jobs in more than 150 cities in the largest-ever strike to hit the industry. After the successful protests, the workers say they're looking forward to shutting down fast-food stores again. Almost as much as their customer's coronary arteries are.
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June
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President Obama and WWII veteran Kenneth (Rock) Merritt talk onboard Marine One
after departing the 70th French-American Commemoration D-Day Ceremony at the
Normandy American Cemetery and Memorial in Colleville-sur-Mer, France on June 6.
In the wake of the EPA's new clampdown on carbon emissions, China announces it, too, will set limits on CO2 emissions. Meanwhile U.S. coal-producing states compensate for the 30 percent cut in carbon emissions through increased outrage. The upside: it's a lot cleaner. The downside: it's a
lot noisier.
Scientist Alexander "Sasha" Shulgin, famous for his design and synthesis of psychedelic drugs, dies at 88. His funeral is attended by purple leprechaun licorice welders, turtles in spaceships zapping meteors in the refrigerator, and ponies with giant panda heads farting rainbows on the set of Judge Judy. (Or at least that's what I saw.)
The NRA takes several Texas yahoos with NRA memberships to task for aggressively brandishing weapons inside restaurants and retail stores, calling them "weird" and "downright scary." Moments later they issue an apology for their comments after they realize they've forgotten just how weird and scary NRA members are.
By the Numbers
• Number of living WWII vets in 2014: 1,002,466
• Number of school shootings in the U.S. since Sandy Hook in December 2012: 74
• Amount the NYPD will pay to 14 Occupy Wall Street protesters for wrongful arrest in 2012: $583,000
• Length of Massachusetts' now-unconstitutional abortion clinic buffer zone and the Supreme Court's still-constitutional buffer zone, respectively: 30 feet, 300 feet
• Percent of Daily Kos readers who favor the decision to exchange Taliban-held American prisoner Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl for the release of five Taliban-affiliated prisoners from Gitmo: 85%
• Percent of Kossacks who disagree with Sarah Palin that water torture is "what America does to baptize terrorists": 99%
The Calculated Risk "Saggy Butt" graph.
Thanks to 217,000 new jobs, the "saggy butt graph" by Calculated Risk shows that America has finally come out of the longest employment slump since the Great Depression. Democrats react to the news with their trademark cautious optimism and calls for context. Republicans reacted to the news with their trademark denial and calls for impeachment.
The second-most-powerful Republican in the House, majority leader Eric Cantor, loses his primary in a landslide to an unknown teabagger, after which he scoops up a cushy new Wall Street job that pays ten times as much money. Said Cantor: "I don’t understand…how did everything go so right?
Wisconsin becomes the latest gay marriage state for Fox News to completely ignore.
President Obama greets a young boy at the Cannon Ball powwow grounds during a visit
to the Standing Rock Sioux Tribe Reservation in Cannon Ball, N.D., June 13.
Gallup releases a survey showing that Obamacare has created the lowest rate of uninsured Americans in six years. Not to be outdone, Republicans release a survey showing that Republicans have created the lowest rate of uninformed Republicans in thirty.
After pouring a ceremonial Molson into the toilet and vowing to never let the sound "eh" pass through his lips again, U.S. Senator Ted Cruz finally renounces his Canadian citizenship. And in other news, Canada announces that May 14 will become a national holiday known as Don't Let The Door Hit Ya Where the Good Lord Split Ya Day, Eh.
The Federal Reserve's grand poobahs meet to set interest rates using finely-calibrated financial instruments and a secretly-guarded set of calculations refined and perfected for over one hundred years. But only because Ben Bernanke made off with the Fed's dartboard.
Late Night Snark
"Soccer is one of those things that the rest of the world cares more about than we do. Y'know, like healthcare, education, gun control…"
---David Letterman
"Eric Cantor was the tea party's biggest ally in Congress. He didn't know what hit him. After the concession speech he made, on the way home he was saying, 'I don't get it---I was unreasonable, I was uninformed, I was hateful. What happened???'"
---Bill Maher
"The John McCain military victory plan for America is the same as the John McCain media strategy: Be everywhere…forever."
---Jon Stewart
Republicans in the House elect their new majority leader. A far-right conservative with radical views is narrowly chosen over a far-right conservative with radical views, a far-right conservative with radical views, and a far-right conservative with radical views.
North Korea fires a couple medium-range rockets over the Sea of Japan. They fall harmlessly into the water and sink to the bottom. "Ah---this will be very useful to us in our quest for world domination," said evil squids.
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July
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President Obama and staff watch the U.S. soccer team vs Belgium in World
Cup action in the Eisenhower Executive Office Building on July 1.
President Obama discusses education issues with teachers over lunch at the White House. It goes well until the "dangling participle incident," which sets off Drudge's blinky light and prompts Darrel Issa to schedule immediate impeachment hearings.
Congressman Louie Gohmert (R-TX) insists that what's needed to deal with an influx of refugee children from Central America is "troops, ships of war, even exacting a tax on interstate commerce." He stops short of calling for a children's war crimes tribunal because of his commitment to being a compassionate conservative.
Despite Republican attempts to pull a sheet over America's head every five minutes and send us to the morgue, the economy grows at a robust four percent in the second quarter. Meanwhile, austerity hawks' attempts overseas to pull a sheet over Europe's head every five minutes and send it to the morgue continues succeeding.
By the Numbers
• Percent of people who bought health insurance plans through the ACA who said they were somewhat or very satisfied with their new health insurance: 73%
• Percent of newly insured Republicans (including those whose crappy plans got canceled last year) who like their new health insurance plans: 74%
• Years by which the Medicare trust fund's solvency has been extended since the ACA went into effect, according to its trustees: 13
• Amount being spent by outside groups to influence this year's midterm
elections: $2 billion
• U.S. approval of drone strikes in 2013 and today, respectively: 61%, 52%
• Percent of Californians who oppose a billionaire's ballot initiative to split California into six states: 59%
• Portion of your cable subscription that's going to Fox News: 89 cents
The Netroots Nation Convention convenes in Detroit, with appearances by Senator Elizabeth Warren, VP Joe Biden, Rev. William Barber, and future Michigan Senator Gary Peters. On Friday afternoon actor Mark Ruffalo joins a march to protest the widespread water shutoffs affecting poor residents. (Mere hours later, the Water Department agrees to suspend the shutoffs.) Injuries sustained during Adam B's pub quiz reach a record low of 17.
Arizona botches a lethal injection, leaving Joseph Rudolph Wood gasping and writhing for two hours before his executioners finish the job with a huge wooden Acme mallet. Arizona promises to guarantee that nothing like it is ever witnessed again by banning witnesses.
On newsstands in July.
A trial concludes that acetaminophen is no better than a placebo for treating back pain. On the bright side, a separate trial concludes that acetaminophen is excellent for treating headaches caused by learning that acetaminophen is terrible for treating back pain.
In continued good economic news, American consumers open up their wallets and spend more on "long-lasting goods like autos, appliances and furniture" and businesses spend more on technology and equipment. Democrats and independents shout "Hooray!" Republicans shout "Benghazi!"
Late Night Snark
"Congress is now getting ready to take a month off. From what?"
---David Letterman
"Republicans have to stop saying that all those Central American kids we're detaining prove we have to secure the border. The border is secure. How do you think we caught all those damn kids?"
---Bill Maher
"Edward Snowden is back with yet another spying scandal. In a new interview, Snowden revealed that NSA employees regularly pass around nude pictures of people they spy on. It got even weirder when German Chancellor Angela Merkel said, 'So, vat do you think?'"
---Jimmy Fallon
"According to a new report from BP, the earth will run out of oil in 53 years. Luckily, thanks to BP, the ocean will still have plenty."
---Seth Meyers
House Republicans vote to give Speaker John Boehner the green light to sue President Obama. Moments after the vote, Boehner receives a huge delivery of thank-you bouquets from the people who are happiest about the Republican leader's decision to go after the Democratic president: Democratic fundraisers.
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August
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President Obama reads material before his Daily Briefing in the Oval Office August 29.
The House Oversight and Government Subcommittee on Government Operations (HOGS GO!) meets to discuss the growing wave of pot legalization around the country and establish federal DUI penalties. They agree that anyone caught driving while stoned should pay a hundred bucks for every ten miles per hour they're driving under the speed limit.
As part of the historic U.S.-Africa summit, fifty African leaders converge on the White House for a dinner in their honor. Or, according to the birthers, fifty African leaders converge on the White House so Obama can hand-pick his successor.
By the Numbers
• Portion of Ferguson, Missouri's residents who are black: 2/3
• Commissioned police officers in Ferguson, out of 53, who are black: 3
• 2nd qtr. economic growth in the Eurozone, where 6 years ago austerity was promoted as the secret for reviving the economy after the Great Recession: 0%
• U.S. adults who believe concerns about global warming are unwarranted: 13%
• Percent of Americans who are and aren't, respectively, concerned there’ll be an Ebola outbreak in U.S. within 12 months: 39% / 59%
• Percent of Americans who believe we're winning the "war on drugs": 3%
A report by the Republican-led House Intelligence Committee concludes there was no wrongdoing by the Obama administration before, during or after the Benghazi attacks. For those of you keeping score, this makes 322 straight times Darrel Issa has lost an argument to intelligence.
Obamacare update: in the five months I've been paying my reasonable Obamacare premiums, I haven't gotten sick once, so I'm lovin' it.
President Obama signs a $17 billion VA reform bill, which provides critical funding and roadblock-busting measures so backlogs can be dealt with faster. It's a nice welcome for new VA Secretary Bob McDonald as he tackles the agency's problems, and another reminder that "Support the troops" should be a reality, not a bumper sticker.
TanSuitgate was a thing for a week.
The European Space Agency's Rosetta probe makes a historic rendezvous with a comet after traveling four billion miles over ten years. So somewhere up there is a sophisticated product of competence, skill, vision and intelligence running circles around a giant rock. Or as we call it down here: A Democrat debating a Republican.
Rays of sunshine as the Obama Recovery from the Bush Recession continues:
• Gas prices are down
• June job openings highest in 13 years
• Weekly unemployment claims at eight-year low
• 2014 record year for soybean and corn crops
• Wall Street up
On the downside, the company that makes
Candy Crush is
getting stomped by sour investors. The Obama failure continues.
The ALS Ice Bucket Challenge officially jumps the shark when George W. Bush sees no irony in crying out in agony as water gets dumped on head, threatening his ability to breathe.
Late Night Snark
"In Gaza the crisis continued. Over a thousand people have now been killed. There were multiple cease fires all week, none of which have held. One cease fire was so short it was technically only a 'cease f...' because fighting resumed before they could even finish the fucking word."
---John Oliver
"You can tell this drought is getting really bad. Today at lunch, my waiter asked if I wanted a glass of water or a future for my children. I took the water."
---Conan O'Brien
"Meet the Press has fired host David Gregory and hired another guy, Chuck Todd, to host. To me, if your name is Chuck Todd, it might as well be David Gregory. Todd Chuck, Gregory David...it makes no difference. They're all interchangeable."
---David Letterman
Law enforcement officials turn Ferguson, Missouri into a town more resembling Fallujah circa 2003 to tamp down protesters after black teenager Michael Brown is gunned down by white police officer Darren Wilson for the heinous crime of walking in the street. In addition to revealing a serious problem with racial inequality, we also learned that our nation's police force is apparently equipped with more firepower than our military.
President Obama wears a tan suit to a press conference. Several right-wing bloggers are briefly hospitalized with pearl-clutching injuries. After their release, they're re-admitted after suffering traumatic shock when they realized they'd briefly felt happy that their pearl-clutching treatment is covered by Obamacare.
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Winners of our Friday C&J "Who Won the Week" Poll
Jeremy Triantafilo with his hero
cat and May 16 WWTW winner Tara.
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May 2 U.S. District Judge Lynn Adelman, who invalidated Wisconsin's "voter ID" law, calling it a GOP scam to suppress voter turnout.
May 9 President Obama: releases climate-change wake-up call; report confirms ACA saving lives; sends help to rescue girls in Nigeria.
May16 Tara, the California cat that pounced on a dog that was attacking her owner's 4-year-old son.
May 23 Judge Michael McShane, for ruling in favor of marriage rights for gay couples in Oregon, and Judge John Jones III for doing it in Pennsylvania.
May 30 The Lexington Herald-Leader editorial board, for mocking Mitch McConnell over his claim that Kentucky's successful state exchange has nothing to do with Obamacare.
June 6 President Obama: announces EPA initiative to cut CO2 emissions; brings home US prisoner from Afghanistan; decent jobs report; Europe trip with stirring D-Day tribute.
June 13 Neil deGrasse Tyson and the wizards behind the successful reboot of 'Cosmos.'
June 20 President Obama: nabs Benghazi mastermind; orders ban on discrimination among fed contractors against LGBT employees; expands Pacific Remote Islands Marine National Monument.
June 27 The Supreme Court of Canada, for granting Aboriginal groups the right to claim possession and control of ancestral lands permanently.
July 11 The BBC, which will no longer give climate-change deniers a platform for their misinformation.
July 18 Netroots Nation organizers and attendees.
July 25 President Obama: expands "My Brother's Keeper" program, signs LGBT employment non-discrimination executive order, steady hand on world events, confirms Iran has backed off uranium enrichment.
August 1 Sen. Elizabeth Warren, for her floor speech lashing out at corporations that renounce their U.S. citizenship to dodge taxes but still enjoy U.S. public services.
August 8 The doctors and medical aid workers on the front lines of the Ebola outbreak in Africa.
August 15 The peaceful protesters in Ferguson, the journalists who covered the riot police attacks from the scene, and Capt. Ron Johnson for establishing a calming police presence in the town.
August 22 The peaceful protesters in Ferguson, Attorney General Eric Holder, and the journalists there who are shedding light on the killing of Michael Brown.
August 29 Whoever made the secret recording of Republican leaders and candidates sucking up to the Koch brothers at their annual luxury retreat for the 0.01 percenters.
Tomorrow: the less-than-thrilling conclusion!!!
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